Totally Lost!

So, It's been a few months since I've been struggling with the thought of being or being not a closet lesbian.
But these past few days it really started to consume me, to the point I was eager on telling it to the first stranger I'd cross on the streets-- It's so hard to keep such a secret!

And I feel kinda silly of writting it down here, but I realised I didn't feel confortable with the idea of telling it to any of my friends, and with the only friend I think I could do so we've stop talking months ago. Ironically it was because she had a crush on me for years but never told me. Until the beggining of the year. And me, eager for trying new things in life, gave in and we started to meet in her house. But it only lasted a week, for we were just too scared of what could happened. I had no idea of what I was doing, and by the end of the first week I realised it was better for us to end it all or we could-- we would, get really hurt.

So we didn't spoke for a few months, in wich she got back with her old boyfriend, but when we did again it all came back, though we tried to ransom our old friendship as if nothing had happened. Of course we couldn't, and I was startled that I was still having strong feelings for her, and I told her that and she told me she felt the same.

And, once again, we stoped talking. And we haven't done properly until now. And she's got another boyfriend and I still think about her, even though I try to go out with other guys. I know we both are not accepting that matter, like being lesbians is not a reasonable option, and I know that if I walked into her life again and tell her once more what I felt I would completly shake her world, but I can't do this until I am sure of what I want!

Well, the thing is that I never really accepted that I could be a lesbian, probably because I am too frightened of what people would think about me, specially my family. I think I've dealing the matter with prejudice myself, and I am really lost, specially because I have other matters to deal with beside this.
Troubled times!
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Dec 10, 2012