Am Tired Of My Feelings

i grew up in a Christian home and my father is a pastor. he does not believe that people can not have feelings for same sex and all he knows is that such people are possessed by evil spirits or demons because of the knowledge he has about people who worship Satan. he gave me a book explain how they worship Satan by practicing homosexual acts. my whole society is against it and the few who come out or get discovered are separated and stigmatized.

the problem is i started liking a girl when i was 14 and we even started going out together. the day we were caught my parents flogged me like i was a thief. they said i should not even try thinking or repeating doing that... i can never forget the beating.
i have tried going out with some guys but its not the same. when a guy touches me it looks like disturbance to me.. even my boyfriends cant make me horny... i hate watching sex between man and woman, and even having sex with men is the problem.
if i imagine my future is a woman i see living with me and not a man. i have never liked men before and i don't know i will ever do that.
i better stay single all my life than be married to a man and live in regrets all my life.
now am in a different country, away from my parents in a church university where if you are a lesbian or gay you will be expelled immediately. am lonely, confused and frustrated... i cant wait to start my own life and move somewhere very far and be free from all this caging.
if it is demon they say i have then their prayers are not working and they should leave me alone....
An Ep User An EP User
3 Responses Jan 11, 2013

Well, I'm in the cage closet also and never ha a gf. I'm too shy to ask women out in person, and online i have no luck. But the christian stuff i feel you. You just have to be true to yourself and let the God stuff happen when your ready. Even if you believe the christian stuff (like I do believe it is wrong), but you still are gay, for you can't force yourself to do anything you don't want to do even if you feel it is wrong. It is when your ready that you do something, and as for me can't wait until i get to be with a woman.

religious parents are the worst, anyways want a fun friend add me monibx@hotmail.com

I was caught wen i was 7 by my mom an she beat me like hell, she died when i was 9yrs old, then i went to live with my dad who hated the entire lesbian idea. He married my step mom who had a niece that came to live with us and i stil despite the beaten i got from my mom yrs ago continue to enjoy being with women so i would let the niece come stay in my room at nights jus so i could play with her breast and kiss her up she was 8 and i was 13. We got caught and wow did my dad beat me silly it stil hurt now when i think about it even though that was 11yrs ago now am 25 and straight lesbian he had come to accept the fact that i will always be a lesbian and that no matter how much he beat or hate me being one he couldn change it. Am happy being a lesbian and am not ashame of it am proud and content. So pls live your life to suit you and not other. If lesbians were sinners god would have wiped us all of the face of the earth and throw us in burnin flames, we cant help who we love and happy with

I am 55 cabgirl and I am here if you want to talk or just rant.