My Secret Love

It was not that i was not proud, but from where i live, it is not readily accepted for a woman to be in a relationship with a woman.

It was unexpected, but it was one of the most wonderful years of my life.

We kept it a secret from everyone, sometimes pretending we are relatives just to stop the questions. We lived together and made things work for both of us although there were lots of obstacles along the way.

I am very sad today because we had to end it. I guess it came to a point where she could not find herself anymore. Its been days since we talked although we still live together. It is a heartbreaking arrangement. I'm not from this town but i work here, so does she. We rented our place together.

I tried to talk to her for only to be rejected. She said she's tired from work and she does not need any of the stress I am causing. Every word and realization hurts. Until it came to a point where i said, so you found out you were happier when you are without me? And of course she said yes.

Every morning and every night she would act that way, unwanted to be disturbed, pretending I didn't exist. She must really be happy because she is very good in what she is doing.

I don't want to be selfish and show her my weak side because she'll only be irritated. But honestly, I am too crushed to pretend that I don't care, that I can do what she's doing, that when she comes back to me i'll reject her the way she did to me so she can taste a part of my world right now.

I haven't really cried out until writing the above. The fact is no one knows right now that my heart is broken, no one I could talk to. Because no one knew about this secret relationship but me and her. Normally if i have no one to talk to she would be there.

But now i have absolutely no one. And it hurts 1 million times
alamona alamona
26-30, F
4 Responses Jan 16, 2013

Having to live a double lives suck. Not to be able to be yourself openly can weigh on a person and cause the love falter. You are not living a full life. If you have to be in this hidden state. I don't know your circumstances. And I must tell you, I also am a closeted lesbian to my family, but not my friends, for I live with my parents and depend on them, but for you not to express yourself I know it hurts. For I know that, I can't express me love for women open and plus I'm shy. But I understand from her point and the whole picture of both your situations. I understand staying in the closet might be the best and most safer option for you and lock your deepest heart's desire. I don't blame her or you, but I understand what she is doing, but be there for her if you still love her. Even though you have broken up with her, you both are fighting the the same but not together. I don't think it has so much to do with you but you guys situation. I know it may hurt to see your lovers face and be in her company but yet so alone and not being able to talk to her. I know with my desire to be with a woman I will have to face the decision to live me life openly or to remain in the closet. I hope what ever you two are going though that by the end of it you two will be better.

I'm so sorry about that but I have a couple questions for you, do you mind?!

Sure go on

how do you approach the person you like and how do you know when you can trust someone and let them in on your secret?

wow that is great thank you anyways you were quite lucky!!

Hi, thanks! I realized that I might have accidentally deleted my last response, im so sorry. Anyway like i said it was mutual discovery. I guess if you like someone be her friend first and really make the friendship mean something to you. If you think later that it is worth it to try to kiss her and if her personality is not judgmental then maybe it is worth a try. Like me even if our relationship is through she is still my best friend and would choose her over any other friend, and that is prolly because we went through that road first, no hidden agenda.

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How are things now??

Well basically i've approached her and we talked and she wanted to be friends because that's what we need right now. But she wants to continue doing things alone, deciding alone, like being single again. It still hurts and still is very awkward. We committed to this relationship before and now she said she can't do it anymore. But we still want each other. And it is so hard to separate that wantness when you are together and keeping things platonic at the same time. What seems to work is I pretend she is my friend and I tell her the story of my heartbreak and there for the first time i really criied my heart out. I told her maybe if this wasn't a secret relationship i would have coped much better.

your not alone.. i experienced that kind of treatment from my ex girlfriend.. treating you like you don't exist and being rejected is like living in hell.. don't worry too much.. just be there as a friend to her, don't talk about the relationship YET talk about other things friends often talk about.. maybe ask about her day and talk of some things that doesn't stress her.. tell her you can set aside your relationship as of now and start a new relationship as friends.
and do not reject her if she comes back to you.. because you will feel awful by doing that afterwards.. if things wont work MOVE FORWARD!

You are right. Babysteps. Being only a friend is hard but it is better than not being someone at all. I could use a friend myself. Thanks so much for your support and response!

eventually you'll find your one true love.. just think positive and ask God for it.. :) i can be your friend.. :)

Wow really? I am very much overwhelmed with the support I am getting here and now i can make friends too..thanks i am honored!..few days ago i was suicidal almost. Now i still feel lonely and empty inside but when i come back here and see the support i am lifted. Thanks so much..

your not alone.. just focus on something today.. and look forward for a better future.
eventually the right person for you will come around.. don't feel lonely I can be your friend.. :)

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