I'm finally acknowledging and on my way to accepting my desire for women.

I have been trying to understand these feelings for a long time now.

In high school I pretended to like boys so my sexuality would not be questioned and I wanted to make conversation with friends. The irony is I was president of my school's GSA. I believe in marriage equality and see it as the fight for the freedom of love. I never thought of applying the label to myself. I saw it as helping others but it should have been an obvious red flag.

I've liked women for as long as I can remember but I denied it to my judgmental self. I remember liking the female actresses in soap operas and movies. I used to stare at my teacher's legs in second grade. When I was around four or five years old my grandma caught my neighbor and I playing "massage" naked. I'm obsessed with female writers, artists, and singers. I daydream about having affairs with them. I realized this past year I spend more time looking at women than I do looking at men. I see women on the street all the time I want to kiss. I still find some men attractive and am open to the possibility but I definitely prefer women.

From the age of fifteen to eighteen I had a close friendship with an older girl. In general I have an aversion to touch. I don't like touching of any sort not even handshakes. I black out in my mind when I have to hug people. But it was different with her. One time I was sitting on her lap and I felt comfortable, like I had finally found a home. I wanted to hug her and for her to hold me. One time we were changing in the locker room and I found myself staring at her breasts. I was aroused but I pushed the feeling away. I felt it was wrong. I place mind and soul before body. There was never anything physical, we were both nerdy naive virgins. But we were so close a woman at a store asked us if we were sisters although now I wonder if she meant partners because we look nothing like each other. After two years into our friendship I cried most of the time because I felt anguished and confused about the way I felt. I didn't understand what those emotions meant. I cared about her so much I couldn't stand it so I pushed her away. I tried to talk to her after I realized I loved her but I know I cannot undo the hurt I caused. She holds grudges and nothing would happen between us anyway. I don't know if she is not straight, but I suspect even if she wasn't straight she wouldn't admit it.

I've liked men but they were feminine men. I was only comfortable being friends with boys I knew were gay, unusually shy, or had no interest in me. I am in my early twenties now but didn't start to get noticed by men until two years ago. I wasn't attracted to any of them and stopped seeing them before it went any further. The first time I got drunk at a party I was in bed by the end of the night with a man. I realized it was the perfect opportunity to finally lose my virginity but I couldn't do it. My body wouldn't let me. One time at a college party I could tell a boy was checking me out but I was busy checking out a girl I was physically and spiritually drawn to. I couldn't stop glancing at her. I still daydream about her.

Looking back I loved some of my friends in more than a friendship way but I pushed those feelings aside. I'm tired of casual friendships and acquaintances. No one matters unless there is not that one person I can go home to at night. I've always been career oriented and preoccupy myself with work but I am ready to admit that is not enough. I don't know how to come out or what to do about it. Also I am not sure if I'm bisexual, a lesbian, or asexual. I suspect part of the reason why I am so uncomfortable with men and the idea of sex in general has to do with abuse experiences in the past. Although I do desire physical intimacy part of me is frightened and disgusted with the idea of actually doing it in real life. But I do know I want a serious relationship with a woman for now. I haven't told anyone yet. I have been reading and thinking about how this will affect my life, but regardless, I acknowledge, I am what I am.

I accidentally blurted out "I am a lesbian" to my sister one time out of the blue. I know my parents and friends who know me well are suspicious. I wouldn't want to tell my father he is homophobic and violent. I keep telling myself I'll wait until it is necessary for me to come out; I'm in a long serious relationship. But I know if I want a relationship the way to steer people into my direction is to come out. The thing is I don't really have anyone to come out to and I don't know how to or if I should even bother. I don't know anyone who is out and my friends are moving away there is no reason for me to say anything. I feel alone. But I'm glad I can come here and discuss this anonymously for now.

freeink freeink
22-25, F
Jan 18, 2013