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Accepting The Reality

Since the day I can remember I was a little different but not to the point that I knew I could be "different". Anyway, one time in mysterious ways one girl convinced me of kissing her, I wasn't discussed by the proposition, I was just intrigued by it. So... we kissed, I was about 11 and she was 14. My first kiss, we never tried of ever doing it again and gladly we never did it either. But because of that kiss it made me think... if I was into girls, guys or both?
I kept thinking of that all the time, I would be depressed and in so many mood changes all the time because of that stupid question that was in the back of my head, "Am I a lesbian? or Am I just curious?" I thought it was a sin, and I would research everything about gay and lesbian people. Was it right? Was it normal? Was it a sin? How to deal with it? I knew that if I thought about it a lot was because I was actually a lesbian, so I tried to not think about it. I was scared of the reality and the changes. I never said anything to anyone, I was the girl with a secret and that had to deal with it until the secret fade away.
My freshman year in High School, I went to a new school, I knew nobody there but my cousins, so I wasn't prepared to "come out" with my family in school there; and that's what I did, I kept quiet and "straight". I met a boy and I did liked him or that's what I thought, we went out for 5 months and then he moved out to other city and we broke up. Then sophomore year I starter to hang out with different friends and this other girl, lets call her Lola. She was cool, we became friends, then good friends and when we less expected we were Best Friends. We were so close that we would talked everyday and all the time. She told me how she liked a girl, a formal all out lesbian girl from school, and I never thought she was like that. She surprised me all of the sudden and I didn't know how to react, so I was just supporting and a good friend. I confessed to her that I liked a girl too, Karla. She said she suspected it but she didn't know if I was that way either. But nothing happened, Lola broke up with that girl and Karla dropped out of school.
Now I'm a junior and I thought that my life wouldn't be better in High School, wrong! I started to like a girl, Sofia, I knew she was Bisexual but I never thought anything about her nor bad or good. It was the first time we had a class together and the first time we talked. Everything started like a joke, she would say things like "You are so beautiful" or "I want you" and stuff like that but ALL the TIME! and I was only like "You too" and "Thank you" but then one day she asked... "Are you lesbian?" What?!!?!? My whole teenager life struggling with this situation and all of the sudden someone just asked me that? I couldn't make a single sentence, my mind was disconnected from my mouth for about a minute until I managed to say "No, but I could kiss a girl" What?!?! I said that, yes I did, it was like I wanted to die. How come I could never say anything to anyone but Lola, and here I was telling Sofia that I could kiss a girl....
Well after that, Sofia started to talked to me more and we hang out during lunch and called each other and eventually hold hands. My High School is pretty small in total we are about 400 students including Freshmen, Sophomores, Juniors and Seniors. Basically everyone knows everyone, and the gossiping is a big deal! Everyone was talking about Sofia and I, and so I had to talked to my cousins in school and I told them and gladly I can say they all supported me, all of them said "As long as you are happy, I have your back". Long story short Sofia and I started going out (dating). We were girlfriends? I was madly in love with her but she dumped me... yeah she did... but well life goes on and it's been two months. I see her everyday in my English class and we barely talk, because she is talking to this guy now.
The point is that, at my school and to several cousins, which I'm super close to know about me, about me being a lesbian or a bisexual? I really don't know yet, I'm not sure what I am but I've never liked labels. My parents don't know nor my siblings and I think they can wait for this, at least when I'm sure what I want, a girl or a guy. Its so much "easier if you don't stay in the "closet" if you do know what you are. Because you are just lying to everyone that loves you. They deserve the truth and you deserve peace with yourself.
Naf96 Naf96 16-17, F Jan 27, 2013

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