I Am a Closet Lesbian
It has been five years since I last wrote on this site. I am still in the closet about my sexuality with my family but have stepped out of my comfort zone to take calculated risks in telling certain friends. So far those risks have paid off and I've been able to establish a second family I can be completely myself around. The biggest news I have to share is that my partner and I of 8 years made it legal in Washington this past week. It was an incredible experience with a blend of emotions such as fear, excitement, nervousness, intense happiness, etc.
We applied by mail and so when we arrived in WA the three day waiting period was completed. We were so nervous to pick up our marriage license. We wondered if we would be laughed at, smirked at, or rejected in any manner. As we stepped through the doors of the license department I felt a nervous warmth hit me and I took a dry swallow. I stepped up to the counter and gave my name. Here's the cool part, we were treated like any other couple. There were no looks, no hanges in voice tone, nada... we were given clear instructions along with our license. The whole ordeal lasted less than a minute. As we got back onto the elevator my partner and I both had a sigh of relief. She reached over and kissed me and asked, "Can you believe this?" We both just smiled and shared our excitement.
The next morning I was filled with so many emotions. All of a sudden it hit me, "Our records will be made public! Our families will find out!" So I had a brief panic attack as I stared at the marriage license form that required we indicated our parent's names and their date of births/locations. My partner was great, she took me out to lunch and we talked through the situation. In the end we switched around our parent's first and middle names. The paperwork did not warn of any perjury and we did give full names, just not in the correct order. It was the best we could do given our situation. The nerves calmed and I turned my focus to the events of the evening.
The wedding took place in a beautiful quaint little home that had been turned into a restaurant. It was right out of a fairy tale it seemed. A turn of the century stone building that had so much character of its own you wouldn't dare add any decor of your own. We were led upstairs to a studio above the restaurant to finish getting ready. Within about fifteen minutes our photographer arrived to snap the last moments of our preparation. I was so nervous. In the past eight years we had maybe 6 pictures that included both of us in the photo. We were so accustomed to being closeted and careful about showing any signs of attraction that we didn't even know how to be with the photographer. It took us some time but our photographer was great and soon we forgot they were even there. Now the time came to head downstairs to take our places in front of the fireplace and exchange our vows.
Our guests (10 of them) were sitting in the corner enjoying a video I had put together of our past 8 years. Once the video finished my partner and I came around the center room fireplace and stood facing one another. I was absolutely nerve-racked and couldn't bring myself to look at anyone. I stared directly into my love's eyes as if begging her to save me! The minister opened in a prayer and explained to our guests why we were here and what their roles would be. The minister brought us closer together and we gave our flower arrangements to a friend to hold. I then took my bride's hands in mine and just held them, feeling relief from the nerves that had taken over.
I don't remember every word of the ceremony. What I do recall is the tremendous feeling of responsibility that hit me. I became keenly aware that this person was placing their trust in me. I knew I would need to support them and care for them and place their well-being above my own. It was a responsibility I was eager to have. I looked into her eyes and attempted to reassure her that I would take good care of her. We both exchanged the minister's vows as well as our own. One of our friend's read 1 Corin. 13 1-9 and then we exchanged rings. It was time to wrap things up and kiss. I knew it was coming and was nervous because we had never kissed in front of anyone. My bride went in for the kiss and as I pulled away she kissed me again. Everyone was cheering and laughing and I was embarrassed so I grabbed and hugged her. It was a great moment we all laughed about later.
The dinner was amazing... they served us four courses family style. We sat around for hours talking and sharing about life. I thought that surely the night would have some sadness since our immediate families were not present, but you know what? That wasn't the case at all. The night was amazing and full of joy. I had already come to accept our situation with family and had accepted the reality of things. I didn't have one moment of regret or sadness... I only felt joy and love. As I watched my bride giggling and heading to the dance floor I knew all would be well.
We don't know what our future holds... who does? Life is an adventure, that's for certain. We have talked about coming out, we have talked about starting a family, we have talked about it all. Our courage has strengthened as well as our confidence. We aren't ready yet but we are having those conversations. Perhaps in another five years I will be able to share good news that our family and friends know and our life is grand. That would be great. But for now we will enjoy our new marriage and continue to live our lives with as much honesty as we are able to.
Thank you for taking the time to read and please feel free to comment or ask questions.
We applied by mail and so when we arrived in WA the three day waiting period was completed. We were so nervous to pick up our marriage license. We wondered if we would be laughed at, smirked at, or rejected in any manner. As we stepped through the doors of the license department I felt a nervous warmth hit me and I took a dry swallow. I stepped up to the counter and gave my name. Here's the cool part, we were treated like any other couple. There were no looks, no hanges in voice tone, nada... we were given clear instructions along with our license. The whole ordeal lasted less than a minute. As we got back onto the elevator my partner and I both had a sigh of relief. She reached over and kissed me and asked, "Can you believe this?" We both just smiled and shared our excitement.
The next morning I was filled with so many emotions. All of a sudden it hit me, "Our records will be made public! Our families will find out!" So I had a brief panic attack as I stared at the marriage license form that required we indicated our parent's names and their date of births/locations. My partner was great, she took me out to lunch and we talked through the situation. In the end we switched around our parent's first and middle names. The paperwork did not warn of any perjury and we did give full names, just not in the correct order. It was the best we could do given our situation. The nerves calmed and I turned my focus to the events of the evening.
The wedding took place in a beautiful quaint little home that had been turned into a restaurant. It was right out of a fairy tale it seemed. A turn of the century stone building that had so much character of its own you wouldn't dare add any decor of your own. We were led upstairs to a studio above the restaurant to finish getting ready. Within about fifteen minutes our photographer arrived to snap the last moments of our preparation. I was so nervous. In the past eight years we had maybe 6 pictures that included both of us in the photo. We were so accustomed to being closeted and careful about showing any signs of attraction that we didn't even know how to be with the photographer. It took us some time but our photographer was great and soon we forgot they were even there. Now the time came to head downstairs to take our places in front of the fireplace and exchange our vows.
Our guests (10 of them) were sitting in the corner enjoying a video I had put together of our past 8 years. Once the video finished my partner and I came around the center room fireplace and stood facing one another. I was absolutely nerve-racked and couldn't bring myself to look at anyone. I stared directly into my love's eyes as if begging her to save me! The minister opened in a prayer and explained to our guests why we were here and what their roles would be. The minister brought us closer together and we gave our flower arrangements to a friend to hold. I then took my bride's hands in mine and just held them, feeling relief from the nerves that had taken over.
I don't remember every word of the ceremony. What I do recall is the tremendous feeling of responsibility that hit me. I became keenly aware that this person was placing their trust in me. I knew I would need to support them and care for them and place their well-being above my own. It was a responsibility I was eager to have. I looked into her eyes and attempted to reassure her that I would take good care of her. We both exchanged the minister's vows as well as our own. One of our friend's read 1 Corin. 13 1-9 and then we exchanged rings. It was time to wrap things up and kiss. I knew it was coming and was nervous because we had never kissed in front of anyone. My bride went in for the kiss and as I pulled away she kissed me again. Everyone was cheering and laughing and I was embarrassed so I grabbed and hugged her. It was a great moment we all laughed about later.
The dinner was amazing... they served us four courses family style. We sat around for hours talking and sharing about life. I thought that surely the night would have some sadness since our immediate families were not present, but you know what? That wasn't the case at all. The night was amazing and full of joy. I had already come to accept our situation with family and had accepted the reality of things. I didn't have one moment of regret or sadness... I only felt joy and love. As I watched my bride giggling and heading to the dance floor I knew all would be well.
We don't know what our future holds... who does? Life is an adventure, that's for certain. We have talked about coming out, we have talked about starting a family, we have talked about it all. Our courage has strengthened as well as our confidence. We aren't ready yet but we are having those conversations. Perhaps in another five years I will be able to share good news that our family and friends know and our life is grand. That would be great. But for now we will enjoy our new marriage and continue to live our lives with as much honesty as we are able to.
Thank you for taking the time to read and please feel free to comment or ask questions.
By:
ariz29
Age:
31-35
,
Female
