Funny Thing Called Life..

I am a almost 40-ish soon to be divorced mother of three who had her world rocked about 10 years ago when I met my soul mate, my best friend. And sadly enough, after about a year of this wonderful friendship I realized I was in love with her. It just hit me like a ton of bricks after a day of goofing off at the beach with her and my kids that I loved her. I truely loved her. This woman has gotten under my skin and has wrapped herself around my heart and I have been scared to death for years since. I am entering a new chapter of my life and all I can think is how much I want to start that chapter with her. And what makes this so damn hard is knowing how much she loves me. She talks about us and our bond and love in the moast amazing way. She calls me her soul mate and says she wants us to grow old together like two old spinsters. She refers to my kids as "our" kids. I am not a fool, I know these are just words and I don't think she feels the way I do. But deep down in the depth of my heart I can't help but hear a small voice ask "what if?".
carson011 carson011
36-40, F
3 Responses Feb 4, 2013

Your story has given me some courage to actually be the true lesbian that I know I am. I am a 34 year old woman stuck in a marrige where I am not happy because deep inside I am in love with a woman. The bad part about it is that the woman I love was introduced to me by my husband. I have strong feels about this person but i'm afraid to tell her because about six months ago we stop hanging out with each other.

Now she is engaged to be married to a guy. I dont want her to make a mistake by marrying this guy if she truly have feelings for me. I refuse to go on any longer with out telling her how I truly feeling and hoping that she tells me how she truly feels. Thanks for the inspiration!

I feel like from the things she is saying to you that does love you. She wouldn't just call you her soul mate for nothing. I think you should go for it. At least that no matter what happens you don't have to question it anymore. Good luck and I hope that you two can live a wonderful life together and be the happiest you have ever been.

This is so scary...."If I don't say something, how will I ever know for sure? And if I do say something, and it turns out that I have totally delusional about this the whole time, and she freaks out, changes her name and moves to Greenland....What then?"

I have been in your place, Oh God....There is so much room for something to go horribly wrong with neither party intending it. There is also a strong case for saying something, a VERY strong case. It sounds like the two of you have been dancing around one another for years...but....but...but....I hate the "but", but it's there, the Great Unknown...Thing...that could either produce Pure Joy of the sort most mortals NEVER get a chance to experience, or the most painful heart ache you, or anyone you've ever met or even heard about has EVER experienced.
May I tell you a story?
thirty-plus years ago I met a woman. (Full disclosure: I'm a guy) We hit it off immediately upon meeting, intellectually. We started talking to one another...and never stopped. It was a meeting of minds the likes of which I had never experienced. Our interest in one another wasn't physical, that is, we never slept together or even tried to, she was living with a guy when we met, and over the course of our friendship she came out as a lesbian.
I was the first person she came out to. I was the first person she wanted to tell. I was SO honored...She eventually met the love of her life and I met mine, we still stayed in touch.
I came to realize that I loved her. I loved her with all my heart and soul. But...I desired nothing, I expected nothing, I wanted nothing from her.
I knew she did not feel the same way, and probably never would, that was alright, My love for her was (and remains) unconditional and absolute. It was enough for me to know that she was in the world and happy.
I decided to tell her how I felt. Our rapport was such that I believed she would understand, that she would realize that it wasn't an icky "Oh baby, I just gotta have you" kind of declaration. I wrote a letter. In it I told her how I felt, why I felt that way and told her that I wanted and expected nothing from her. I loved her because she was who she was, period.

She wrote back. She never wanted to see, speak or hear from me ever again.

That was twenty-five years ago. The pain of it has never gone away or lessened in the slightest. I cry every time I think of it, which is often. Someone said, "Just because a love is unconditional, does not mean that it must be without hope."
She took away the hope. But it hasn't changed how I feel. I still love her without condition, without expectation, but I am human, to lose her like that is pain that I cannot describe, and it will NEVER go away.
And this probably hasn't helped you at all with your situation. Thank you for listening though.

Thank you for sharing such a personal story. That's why I joined this site. I feel so utterly alone in this sometimes. It's nice to be able to talk about it so freely.