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I Am a Closet Lesbian

I Wish I Wasn't

By: WristsWithoutScars
Written on February 9th, 2013
I've known for years that I wasn't a 'normal' kid. And to be honest, I never saw the big deal with the fact that I liked girls more than guys. But I come from a very Christian family and there is no way I can come out without being shunned or disowned. I love my family too much to put myself or them through that humiliation, so I've kept my sexual identity a secret.

It's hard, considering I'm already a tomboy and they hate it, but I cannot stand girly things that they push on me. I like shorts and T-shirts. I want my hair short and choppy. I despise makeup and dresses. They already think I'm a freak and that this 'phase' has been going on too long. They keep telling me that I'll never find a boyfriend looking the way I do. Obviously, I could care less about that. But it hurts knowing I'll never truly be able to be myself around my family and friends. I'm constantly faking it day after day. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but what choice do I have? I don't want to be a pariah in my family.

Not even my closest friends know that I'm in the closet. Given, I've dropped hints to my best friend but she either ignores them or they completely go over her head. It sucks that I have no one to talk to about what I'm going through.

I'm not sure what I wish for more. Acceptance from my family or hope that this IS just a phase and I'll somehow turn out to be normal some day.
By: WristsWithoutScars
Age: 16-17 , Female
189 people have read this story

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4 responses
  • MissynKissy
    MissynKissy

    - well hello there..

    haha boyish girls are like a magnet to me. You guys are so hot.

    Dont ever wish to turn "normal" please. My day changes when i see one of you tomboys! Family and society are obstacles. They love you but they are ignorant. As simple as that. My mom does religious counselling. And her groups focuses on abused and gay females and dudes. But i know she loves me, i avoid talking to her about lesbians, i do turn extremely cold and mean when she even starts talking about it, she learned to not. I get defensive to a point i would rather die than let someone make me say that i dont like women. I am with a boyfriend now and my mother is happy but, again, a tomboy woman being with me is like having something amazing in my life every day, something to live for. So my little fortress built on working, studying and spending evenings with my boyfriend is going to shatter once another woman comes along.

    - seriously there isn't that many tomboys around where i am. Keep it! Its so friggin precious.

    Feb 16
    1 like
  • Rennn
    Rennn

    I know how you feel, though I'm not in exactly the same position. Emotionally, I'm androgynous (not bisexual or homosexual though), so my mind is a pretty even mix of male and female. I tend to like girl and guy things, and sometimes I like to crossdress in small ways. My parents aren't very religious, but they do hate feminine guys. I don't actually have any real-world friends, so needless to say, nobody knows about me either.

    Feb 10
    1 like
    • WristsWithoutScars
      WristsWithoutScars

      I'm so sick of hiding it. I want to be able to talk openly about myself when this subject comes up, but I know it'll never happen. Even still, I suppose it doesn't matter since I have a fear of intimacy. I wouldn't say I crossdressed, but I do tend to go for boy clothing over girls. I prefer to look like a guy although I still identify myself as a girl. I don't think anyone should have to hide who they are.

      Feb 10
      1 like