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Am I.. Or Am I Not? Plz Help

I feel a little weird writing this.. but at the same time i feel so releived that i found a place where i can speak my heart out and there WILL be people who understand me- well at least i hope. This is the first time that im actualli releasing all my thoughts n feelings, so i might now be making sense to u or myself! but any repsonse would be good.

Im a single girl... well ive been single for 1yr and 4 monthz now.. but ever since i broke up with my boyfriend i found myself really thinking about girls. I used to think about the whole issue wen i was way younger as well and quite honestli supportd the idea and openly told my peers that i found nothing wrong with it. I never thought that i would actually find myself seriously being a lesbian. But now i have my doubts.

Its been about a year and when i think of relationships, I alwys see myself having a steady relationship with a girl. Not that i hate guys, but i often find myself pushing them away and alwys seek attention from girls. I just want them to notice me and i want to be around them and i fantasize having intimate conversations with them. I have this attraction towards girls which i cannot control.

It's come to a point now, that im constantly imagining myself with a wonderful girl but it all comes crashing down when i think of all my friends and family. No one knows how i feel, and i dont know how to tell them. i kno i shouldnt be embarrassed.. but yet i feel ashamed. I feel jugded. What do i do? I dont kno if this is just a phase that im goin through.. but even if it is.. its a serious one. And i kno it is.. because i feel more strongly for girls than for guys. I want to experience having a girlfriend.. but i cant get around to doing it because im scared of it being publicized just yet.

I can say lots more.. bt im gnna stop just here for now. I hope someone responds bak.. and then i will take it further.

Thanku.

NoelS NoelS 18-21, F 30 Responses Oct 5, 2008

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give yourself time...don't be afraid of what you feel. make friends and explore other people. let it pass....at the right time, you will realize what you feel most strongly.

I tried to put you in my circle, but it said I wasn't allowed?

I could have written this letter myself. I'm 57 and married to male for 27 yrs and I love him very much. Feelings started fleetingly early in life but I am sure now that if I ever found myself single again I would be either bi or lesbian...not sure which because I have tried either. Don't deprive yourself of being who you truly are esp. if you know your mom would accept it. It would probably make her happy to know you are happy. Good luck and many blessings :o)

I mean how will u know if it's real if you are scared to try it or what others think. I'm sure it's another female you talk to or that knows you that may like you too that's how it was with me. Maybe if you make the first move but slowly like flirting a lil by smiling at them or something you will get the same attention back

hey I really like your story about closet lesbian, I'm jamaican, cool to talk to add me if you want to on hotmail, facebook, twitter, bbm... just let me know and I will send the info. just looking ppl I can relate to

I know how u feel. U have feelings u don't understand and cant control. I think u should try dating a girl and see if u like it. If u do then go get her but if u dont u can always date guys again.

It's like you told my exact story. Thank you for writing this! x

Do what works.

Im a femme/girly girl so I would like to find a femme/girly girl who likes me exactly for who I am. I look forward to hearing from you!

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I completely relate to everything that you have written

wtf did you read my mind?

you will know if you get with a girl and it feels right. Some girls don't like it once they get with girls. the "phase" is over. Just make sure you let her know you are experimenting and unsure to avoid broken hearts.

Maybe I can help you ;)

I have been lesbian for the past 4 years , firstly i started off bi then i veered more towards girls & became fully gay : ] . I think your might need to try get with a girl and figure it all out from there. but you sound pretty like lesbian or the early stages , I dont think your bi if your pushing the guys out of your head! <br />
My family didnt enjoy me telling them because I had two brothers who came out gay before me so I was the lost sheep who all the hope was on. <br />
If you feel you cant tell them at least talk to your friends about it : ] , its not healthy to live a lie , iv been there :/ . hope you sort out your problems : ] x

awe... i started reading your story and realized that it was over two years that you first posted. i'm happy to hear you are more out now and happier with yourself. i hope things are going well with the girlfriend. if you ever get a chance check me out or send me a message sometime, it sounds like we might have a lot in common. =)

its been a year since i joined this group and wrote down my true thoughts... and its amazing to see where i am today. i am happy =) and i know im gay. ive had a girlfriend for a year now.. and things are great.

good on you - life is what you make out of it.

That's great. You can't be happy unless you let yourself be real!!

I share the exact same thing, and i happen to come from the same country you come from.. so i kindda know how you feel about facing all the rejections and judgments when you come out.. It's pretty hard. <br />
I've also recently found out about my attraction to girls. I was kindda ashamed of it, and i even tried to deny it.. you know.. as in.. i was trying to convince myself that i'm attracted to guys.. but it didnt work. It's just something that i cant help. <br />
I kind of reached a conclusion about my sexuality now ( after alot of self search and reading), and I'm not really ashamed of it anymore. But, i still think i'm not ready to let it out and face all the consequences. I think i'm too fragile for that, at the time being. <br />
I dont mind keeping it a secret. But, i'd also like to share it with someone.<br />
oh yeah.. and i also sometimes think it's just a new phase in life and stuff.. but that doesnt at all mean that it's not serious. <br />
I liked your story. I'm so glad i got to read it, It kind of made me feel better.. you know.. it's a good feeling to know that someone from the same place you were brought up is actually passing through what you're passing. Gives a feeling of connection. <br />
<br />
I wish you all the best. :)

maybe ur bisexual

maybe ur bi

maybe ur bisexual

Hi, you may not believe me, but I know how you feel. I have lots of conflicting emotions. I would agree with a lot the advice given, namely, just be yourself -- but ... if conservative Arab is a art of who you are then think hard about what you are doing. I was rasied (and still am) conservative Christian, so when I started to consider other options I realized that this also is a part of who I am, so instead of be unfatihful to my wife, I talked to her about it and hopefully we can fully integrate this into our own lives. This may not be what you want to hear, and I am sure others will disagree with me, but this is what has worked for me.

Hi! You may find this interesting. <br />
<br />
Please pass this on too... it can be helpful to someone <br />
<br />
http://www.amazon.com/Figuring-Out-N-S-B/dp/0979216303 <br />
http://www.myspace.com/figuringitoutbook <br />
<br />
Figuring IT Out by NSB - A Coming Out Story. <br />
<br />
This books has been rated with 4.6 out of 5 in Amazon. <br />
com <br />
This book will help your friends know that they are not alone; that they are not different; that what they are feeling is normal... <br />
<br />
From the author herself: <br />
"I started this project to share my experience with the hope that it will make others feel less alone and more understood, and to inspire empathy in those who have not had the experience themselves." -- NSB

Hi NoelS,<br />
<br />
It is so strange that I have come across so many stories that are so like my own. <br />
<br />
I felt the exact same thing when you said "It's come to a point now, that im constantly imagining myself with a wonderful girl but it all comes crashing down when i think of all my friends and family".<br />
<br />
I too was so torn between my own happiness and my family and friends approval etc..<br />
<br />
Anyway I have just commented on a few othe rpeoples stories which I think also really relates to your how you are feeling.<br />
<br />
Here are the two links to the comments that I had made. <br />
<br /> <a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e=376110" target="ep_blank">http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e...</a><br />
<br /> <a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e=363109&n=&aok=Show+me+the+Story" target="ep_blank">http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e...</a><br />
<br />
I hope they help as I think they cover a lot of the things that you are thinking about... I hope :)

I think you'll be surprised at how easy it can be to act on your feelings. I certainly was (but only have once i.e., one isolated incident.)<br />
Anyway, I too have always openly accepted homosexuality as perfectly normal and nothing at all wrong with it. I even started to get pretty vehement about it i guess.<br />
And now it's just a recent thing i've noticed that i'm attracted to girls. <br />
But i find it surprisingly hard to actually go about having a relationship with a girl now that i've really wrapped my head around the idea that i think im a lesbian. i get shy about it. and i really, really know i shouldnt, and that makes it even harder. i'm just psyching myself out. mind over matter.<br />
Guess all i'm saying is i understand. And that if you pursue a relationship with a girl, acting on your feelings will proabably come naturally - try not to fear it.<br />
Good luck to you.

hey.. thanks so much for that. It was such a short comment.. but it dent even need to be longer coz it was just so honest n sincere. Glad u understand how i feel. <br />
<br />
but how did u overcome it?

Sweetie, they would never think your a fake. There's alot of gay people who you would never know they are just by the way they look or what they wear. Plus, you don't need to prove anything to anyone.

thnx so much... i will definateli take ur advice... i actuali did want to go to a gay bar ..even attend da gay pride that was held over here! but .. i want someone to help me out with the process. i feel a bit intimidated to attend these event n venuez alone. i dont want the gay people to feel offended by thinking that im just a 'fake' . <br />
<br />
btw... im been brought up in a very conservative arab culture. but luckili my parentz and my famili have alwys let me free to westernize myself. however im sure that they will not accept all my sexual feelings. either wayy... i live in south africa now- cape town. Studying at a university. itz meant to b a pretty big pink city.. so i hope that helps.

I'm what they call a late bloomer. I had 4 kids first before I dealt with my sexuality. I can hear the urgency you have because your feelings are so strong. I don't know you, but what your saying sound familer. I also know nothing of your culture so I hesitate offering suggestions because how our beliefs and acceptness here in the US could be so different then yours. So, what ever I say, take what you want and leave the rest.<br />
There is not much difference in dynamics of a relationship with M & F and F & F. That applies to everything when it comes to meeting people, what the relationship is like. etc. The bonus is the intimacies. When your in love with someone, there is nothing even close to the beauty of becoming one. (And when you love her, the sex is good too.) Sorry, I went off thinking about it. Anyways, 1) check it out 1st b4 you share w/family or who ever. 2) Find the gay community in your area. You can use the internet, phone book, news paper, asking around. Hopefully you'll find some kind of "Pride" event you would enjoy and go to it. Of course if you know someone to go with is nice to. If there's a gay bar, meeting someone there is no different than meeting someone in a a straight bar. Just remember, everything is the same but making love. I wish you the best and a happy life.

but how did u let urself out? as in how did u get to have dat lesbian experience? i dont kno how to get myself to do that. like i wnna meet girls in person but i feel like im gnna make a fool out of myself.. i wouldnt kno what to do... or how to go about it. i mean its one thing wen u realize that ur attracted to girls.. and its another to ACT on ur feelings. how did u act out to it?