My 7-Year Closet Lesbian Story (Updated: 10/06/2012)


The story I am about to tell is one that I never told a soul. A story I chose to tell anonymously to the unjudging ears (or at least I hope) of the internet because I couldn’t tell anyone - neither to my family nor to my very close friends. This is the first time I am letting it all out.

I think everything started when I was 12 (c. 2002). Aside from all the puppy love with my guy friends, I began “admiring” or more like “crushing on” my bestfriend because she was smart, intelligent, beautiful, and kind. She went to a different school when we entered highschool, so I got over the feeling at a moderate phase.

At 13, I started crushing on my idol celebrities... like Avril Lavigne and Lindsay Lohan (after seeing her on Freaky Friday). But hey, both of them are full-blown hoes now, so I am pretty much over them. LOL! Anyway, all the other short-lived crushes followed. It was a mix of boy and girl crushes from my school, but I can’t recall which one was the majority - the boy crushes or the girl crushes.

When I was 14, I started dating my first boyfriend. We broke up, got back together when I was 16, and broke up again. We loved each other, but I guess we just weren’t on the same page. Anyway, that’s a whole different story and it’s not because of my “lesbianism”. But during the time we were together, I still found myself attracted to girls (especially when I was 16). I secretly “loved” (I guess?) another “past bestfriend” of mine whom I’ve been with since I was 7. However, when we grew up, we started to drift apart, not because we fought, but because our interests differed growing up, but we’re still good friends even now. The thing is, I loved my boyfriend, but it’s not exactly like the one I felt for my “past bestfriend” (whom I still have small feelings for until today). No one ever knew, not even after we graduated highschool.

At college, I am still attracted to men, but more attracted to women. I got a crush on my classmate 2 years older than me, who called me “baby” (because I kind of have the baby-face) and introduced me to her friends as her “baby sister” with her arms over my shoulder and she wrote me this sweet note. It was for a short time, because she already graduated... or so I think. She doesn’t test well. Haha.

Now, I am 19 and I find myself deeply attracted to my biological kind even more. I think I am “in love” with a girl? Am I in love? Hell, I don’t really know. Please tell me. All I know is she’s almost 3 years younger than me. She’s quick-witted and clever, she sings great, she dances great, she plays the guitar and the drums great, she skates, she acts great (especially comedy), she’s just hands-down gorgeous, and she seems to be even nicer in person. Yes, she’s a celebrity... from Disney... and she’s half-Latina. So N-O, she’s definitely NOT Miley Cyrus. LOL!

My attraction plays between people around me and celebrities, older or younger. I still occasionally get attracted to men (although I don’t feel like going out), but now, I really really hate myself and these feelings, because I think like I am some sort of a what... a pedo bi/lesbian/whatever stalker?! What the hell, even I can't accept THAT myself! Let alone, let anyone else know about it… and get them to accept it. That’s why I’ll always keep it buried deep within. That’s why I’ll always be alone.

Thank you for reading my story. A story so… shameful… I only had the courage to tell in the anonymity of the internet.


UPDATE: OCT-06-2012

Hi guys!

I am now dating a girl! She's four years younger and it turns out, I'm actually the girl in the relationship. She plays the guitar, draws, loves literature, intelligent, sporty, and just a genuine person! She's amazing and she shines, I love her! I turned down a guy who was courting me and now I'm really happy with her. Wish us luck! :)

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13 Responses Feb 8, 2009

any update??? musta n ang status ngaun???

nice story,,,,

We are not masters of our souls. Sometimes we love and need what confuses us or scares us. But it's good to know what it is that turns you on. Fined a women that loves you and that you love. and know that your not odd, you just have not gotten to know yourself just yet. this self hatred is not healthy. love yourself

Do not feel ashamed of anything. It's ok to find out who you are...I've been engaged to a man and right now with the most amazing woman in the world. Never worry what others think, being bi is much harder than just being gay or straight....Have fun learning who you are and except yourself. Once you do that everything will fall together. Don't limit yourself and look at what you want, there is nothing wrong with you and there are lots of women just like us out there. My girlfriend now was a lot like you and was always afraid to act on her feelings....when she finally did she got stuck with me.

well, I guess I can relate to you.haha...i mean i like girls and attracted to girls but sometimes i think guys are cute but i'm not attracted to them i just think that the're cute....i do consider having sexual relations with women...but i dont consider getting a girlfriend....i consider marrying a man rather than living with a woman as a partner...i just love, like, want, and desire women but i dont want to have serious relationship with them because someday they're gonna leave you and realize they want a man....anyway there is nothing shameful about your secret...i think its totally normal...did i say i love lesbian women...i drool over their bodies...haha...but i'm still single...and never been in a relationship..... :P

yes u were good than u r good now no guilts just live on and love on

why the heck u were afraid of showing ur feelings,open up babe let the strings of ur feelings be played by a beautiful girl,u will enjoy the tune of love. be brave sweet pie

lol.... i have been feeling the same way you do. until now i'm in my midlife stage, i prefer to be alone. Been in love with few bestfriends in the past but secretly. i used to have really pretty friends (majority of them) from highschool to college and now i am secretly in love with my colleague, lol, hell! i wonder if she felt the same way because she flirted on me when we were having christmas party in the office (we were tipsy that time and i really manage to be demure and stay lady like). Gosh!<br />
Sigh, i like this site because it makes me feel better knowing that i am not alone... there you are, lol.<br />
and yes, i have been dating and making out with men and i am no longer a virgin. I love them the time i have had a relationship with them, long story but the relationship never last.

Dear Bio<br />
<br />
i am saddened that you think that there is something is wrong with the way you feel<br />
love is love, no matter if it is for a male or a female<br />
i have felt love for both<br />
don't ever let anyone tell you what is right for you to feel, feelings are very personal things that nobody else can ever hope to understand<br />
<br />
if you feel strongly about someone, let them know.. the worst that can happen is they'll tell you they don't feel the same way.<br />
but if you don't tell them you'll spend months, maybe years kicking yourself for throwing the chance away while you look on as he/she goes off with someone else <br />
<br />
i feel for you i really do, reaading your story bought a tear to my eye because it's not too far from my own<br />
<br />
i wish you love and happiness in your future<br />
<br />

I went from KNOWING I was going to be with women when I was 12 years old, to finally DOING it with a woman (and quite a few since) when I was 18 ...THAT was a looooong 6 years. I write about alot of those experiences on hope you find fullfillment.

Bio, <br />
<br />
YOu have my admiration that you came here and expressed your feelings. I feel bad for those who live in a society that being gay is such a dangeroouse feeling to have. It makes it even that much harder. What you are feeling is very strong and hard. It will get better you will in time be able to tell your family. <br />
<br />
I wish that you could let your passions be felt in the open maybe being in here to this site will help.

I have been where you have and well. I choose to just let my heart guide me and I have been in my lesbian relationship for 11 years. If you ever need to talk I am here. pm me.

Firstly your story is far from shameful - you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. And you are certainly not a 'pedo' as you put it. Thinking a younger girl is attractive is not a crime, you are 19, which makes her 16 - and that does not make you a pedo. If you were in your fourties or something, then maybe, but the age difference is completely normal. <br />
<br />
It sounds to me like you are confused. Very confused. And its perfectly normal to have crushes on celebrities! All i can suggest, is that you try not to worry about all of it too much, if you like girls, thats fine, if you like boys, thats fine too, maybe you like both, nobody says you have to choose - and maybe you are attracted to really great people, and it doesnt matter what sex they are if there is a strong connection. However you shouldnt worry about this, and you shouldnt feel guilty, you should accept that you are very open to loving someone for who they are, not what sex they are. and hopefully this should allow you to get on with your life and have many great loves.