My 7-Year Closet Lesbian Story (Updated: 10/06/2012)
The story I am about to tell is one that I never told a soul. A story I chose to tell anonymously to the unjudging ears (or at least I hope) of the internet because I couldn’t tell anyone - neither to my family nor to my very close friends. This is the first time I am letting it all out.
I think everything started when I was 12 (c. 2002). Aside from all the puppy love with my guy friends, I began “admiring” or more like “crushing on” my bestfriend because she was smart, intelligent, beautiful, and kind. She went to a different school when we entered highschool, so I got over the feeling at a moderate phase.
At 13, I started crushing on my idol celebrities... like Avril Lavigne and Lindsay Lohan (after seeing her on Freaky Friday). But hey, both of them are full-blown hoes now, so I am pretty much over them. LOL! Anyway, all the other short-lived crushes followed. It was a mix of boy and girl crushes from my school, but I can’t recall which one was the majority - the boy crushes or the girl crushes.
When I was 14, I started dating my first boyfriend. We broke up, got back together when I was 16, and broke up again. We loved each other, but I guess we just weren’t on the same page. Anyway, that’s a whole different story and it’s not because of my “lesbianism”. But during the time we were together, I still found myself attracted to girls (especially when I was 16). I secretly “loved” (I guess?) another “past bestfriend” of mine whom I’ve been with since I was 7. However, when we grew up, we started to drift apart, not because we fought, but because our interests differed growing up, but we’re still good friends even now. The thing is, I loved my boyfriend, but it’s not exactly like the one I felt for my “past bestfriend” (whom I still have small feelings for until today). No one ever knew, not even after we graduated highschool.
At college, I am still attracted to men, but more attracted to women. I got a crush on my classmate 2 years older than me, who called me “baby” (because I kind of have the baby-face) and introduced me to her friends as her “baby sister” with her arms over my shoulder and she wrote me this sweet note. It was for a short time, because she already graduated... or so I think. She doesn’t test well. Haha.
Now, I am 19 and I find myself deeply attracted to my biological kind even more. I think I am “in love” with a girl? Am I in love? Hell, I don’t really know. Please tell me. All I know is she’s almost 3 years younger than me. She’s quick-witted and clever, she sings great, she dances great, she plays the guitar and the drums great, she skates, she acts great (especially comedy), she’s just hands-down gorgeous, and she seems to be even nicer in person. Yes, she’s a celebrity... from Disney... and she’s half-Latina. So N-O, she’s definitely NOT Miley Cyrus. LOL!
My attraction plays between people around me and celebrities, older or younger. I still occasionally get attracted to men (although I don’t feel like going out), but now, I really really hate myself and these feelings, because I think like I am some sort of a what... a pedo bi/lesbian/whatever stalker?! What the hell, even I can't accept THAT myself! Let alone, let anyone else know about it… and get them to accept it. That’s why I’ll always keep it buried deep within. That’s why I’ll always be alone.
Thank you for reading my story. A story so… shameful… I only had the courage to tell in the anonymity of the internet.
I am now dating a girl! She's four years younger and it turns out, I'm actually the girl in the relationship. She plays the guitar, draws, loves literature, intelligent, sporty, and just a genuine person! She's amazing and she shines, I love her! I turned down a guy who was courting me and now I'm really happy with her. Wish us luck! :)