I Can't Be Me.

hmm.. it is so hard being a closet lesbian, so scared to tell my family..my friends.. but i've been thinking about it,

i already atempted to say it like a joke, but i guess my tongue can't do it,.

'cause I'd prefer dying than not be recognized by my friends and family. this life i'm living, its just too scary... me, studying in a christian institution, my family being quite homophobes. its so scary to come out.. but i know lot of lesbians out there feels the same way, you know..

there came a time before, when i wish i could die.

but now, i know the only thing i can do is to accept my sexuality..even though i know that people won't accept it if they'll know,.

i cant imagine there faces when they'll discover that the girl they've been calling a 'lovely lady'..is a lesbian? ow my...

that would be hell.. not being too proud, but i'm always admired by people because of the way i look? and just the 'nearly perfect girl' which is so great, cause it make things more ****. cause, who would expect..? just fcuk..

well i know, ever since im in grade 1 i know that im not normal, but i havent got an idea that its gonna be this hard! hell life..


im just 16 but im but im so worried for my future, . id never imagine myself being with a guy! but hw can i live alone?? ow sh**..

im just a girl,  whose future job is to effing continue my father's firm.. omg, so great!! just great.. i just cant be myself..

i sometimes.. no, all the time fancy myself, having a relationship with the girl i love* just hoping though*.. and to share my dreams and evrything I have to a girl who can can understand me, who would love me not because she wants to experiment, but because she.. does.. love me.. you know.. haha, how romantic, but just a dream.

i dont know if its gonna happen, so far.. in my situation, i dont think so.. :(

i think thats too advance for my situation, yeah thats right.. maybe, all i need are friends, or maybe a friend who would understand my situation, cause so far, noone knows... as in NOONE..

how i wish someone, maybe.. on my age, would care to msg me or something to be my friend.. i dunno. if someone's wants to talk i guess..just thinking



hm... life's a ****.. i wish it would change,..like waking up, and having your family and friends very supportive by what you're doing.. hay, then that would be the greatest day of my life.

anyways, i love this site, atleast i've shared my story, when i dont even know you all personally. :)


sickndtired sickndtired
22-25, F
8 Responses Feb 28, 2009

yeah i know the feeling. We are almost the same. where you from? you sounded familiar. ^^

HI GUYS. IM 18 now.. college! and i came out with some friends. and hello hello its okay with them.. i fell for a gurl agen during my first and second yr college. damn. it did hurt so bad.. haha. but now im focused on my studies. but then i stil like to have a real girlfriend someday. its just hard for me to make the first move though. :))))

dude, ive just read ur story and i can tell ; )*wink* that u need a friend! if u want, u could text me,message me on this site, or anything u want...im here! plus Im a 15 & 3/4...do u think i qualify?<br />
4fm,<br />
here for u!

hey i know what your saying.........i come from a strong catholic family and if i were 2 come out 2 them they wouldnt take it the right way.and i want 2 tell them but its like i dont want 2 hurt them/make them feel like they did something wrong.but its getting 2 the point where i want 2 be happy 2.by the way im 16 too :)

Accept yourself as you are and you will be fine. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Eventually your family will accept this and so will you. You are a good person and in time this will all come together for you. You will find someone to love and be very happy. God loves you just the way you are.

It is something within all of us that desperately needs love and approval....even when we are trying to grow up and break away from our parents, the community, school etc.<br />
<br />
It hurts us to dissapoint others, tell someone bad news We would rather be looked upon in a positive sense. How much easier is it when you get to tell someone, "You've won the lottery!" or, "Yes, I'll give you a lift to work" <br />
<br />
Right now you've found a way to stay safe and comfortable: keeping it a secret. That work right now. One day, in the not-so-distant future, maybe you will be sick of keeping the "secret" and be good and ready to dissappoint some of those people around you. But only once you feel ready. Yes, they will react. But after the "dust" settles, some of them who really love will return to you. <br />
<br />
But for now, I am sad for your struggle. Stay strong, and try to remember that people just expect you to be straight because most of the population is--they are not trying to exclude you or insult you. They just don't know the "secret"---yet.

Reading your story well, let me just tell you first that you need to be you. Although people in your life may not accept it, it is you who lives your life, the one that needs to be happy and true to yourself and feelings. Why pass life by..life is to short. Your happiness, is in your heart, soul, and being..it is hard to come OUT as they say and you will notice allot of people who will shy away, but if they love you UNCONDITIONALLY they will stay by your side. You have to be strong, and if this is how you feel, and what you want then do not hold yourself back, Your regrets are what will haunt you. Look at it this way..Would you still love someone and be there for them if they chose something that perhaps you did not agree or believe in? Look at this in a different light. Look outside the box...and also there are many people you will gain as well.....it is your choice, no one elses. Stand strong.....

Hey S&T,<br />
You're pretty young and I don't have much in common with you but I really felt for you reading that story.<br />
I'm a straight guy but I've worked in the arts for a while and I know heaps of happy, normal gay people, both men and women. <br />
You can still be a "lady" who loves other "ladies"! hehe It sounds like you are surrounded by people who are going to make it hard for you to be who you really are. But from reading that I'm sensing there's no real doubt in your mind - you know who are you are! <br />
I wish I could give you a hug and let you hang around some of the cool gay girls I know (the director of the play i'm in right now is one of them).<br />
Keep on being you. And don't let the bastards get you down.<br />