Dilemma

I started to realize that I really am a lesbian shortly after I graduated college, which has been a little less then two years now.   In a way I guess I had my suspicions that I was a lesbian since I was about 12 or so, but so desperately wanted to be “normal” that I dismissed any feelings I had for girls right away.   Towards the end of college I fell for a girl within the first time of meeting her.   It was like a tidal wave hitting me, I couldn’t concentrate around her I couldn’t act like myself whatsoever around her which became weird since she became to be a regular in my group of friends. Since college I have moved away from my college town and have deliberately become distant with all my friends as I try to come to terms with my sexuality. I have put myself in a chicken and egg situation I don’t want to come out till I am in a relationship that is meaningful enough to come out for, but also feel I won’t meet anyone while keeping myself in the closet. I’m really lost and feel like my own worst enemy right now, and wish I could become more comfortable with being a lesbian.

CAL77 CAL77
22-25, F
3 Responses Mar 20, 2009

I know what you mean about finding a meaningful relationship before you come out but you cant find anyone because your too scared of people finding out. it sucks!!!Thats exactly how I feel!

I agree with both of you. Actually I don't even talk about my hetero dating life with my family anyway. I feel there is no point unless I am in a relationship. Well considering I am finding men less appealing it doesn't look that will happen.<br />
Now I don't know if I am lesbian per se, but I can say that if I fell in love with a woman that I would be stand by our love. I would do that for a man that my family wouldn't "approve" of why not a woman?

Hey CAL77, Gotta say i totally relate to what you've said...I'm in college presently and i fell for one of my best friends here about 18 months ago...I've gotten over it now as she's in a different part of the country now but that happening really propelled me into the belief that i actually could be a lesbian. It wasn't the first time i fell for a girl but obviously it made it that bit more difficult to come to terms with given that it was such a good friend and i'm nearly certain it wasn't at all requited. I still date/hook up with men and i'm not sure if i'm attracted to them sexually per se. All I know is I've never fallen for a guy or felt any great urge to kiss one etc, but its ubiquitous I guess and it just happens. It's convenient you might say. I sometimes think I'm just foolong or tryig to deny my true sexuality by being with guys. Unfortunately I never have the chance to be with women but I'm pretty much completely closeted and like you, I feel I could not come out unless I was in a meaningful relationship with another woman. However, I agree with you when you point out that's its a catch22 situation as if you're closeted then how can you ever expect to be in a position to meet someone of the same sex who is also bisexual/lesbian. It worries me greatly that I'm not being true to myself and denying myself the chance to meet someone who I could love but the prospect of 'coming out' scares me to death. It's not that any of friends are homophobic but I just fear that they'd look at me differently. My family are a whole different story...I know I wouldn't get a good reception from them at all and they'd probably be the last people I would ever contemplate telling for that reason. Sometimes I just wish things were simple, that I didn't have these feelings for members of the same sex but life can't all be simple can it?