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I Am a Closet Lesbian

Seriously? I'm a Lesbian?

By: hotncmom
Written on March 26th, 2009

I don't know what to say.  I know that all of my life I dated the jocks and manly-est of men.  I married a blend of hard core manly construction working man and was married to him for 20 years.  But I know that I have been attracted to girls when I was young girl. 

Now I am divorced.  I have dated and had two serious relationships but I am non-committal.  Now I don't even bother dating hardly.  I may have a fling with a guy but I'm not into them for a relationship. That's weird for me.  I love men. Or so I thought.

But my BFF once confessed to me that if she wasn't married and if I was a man she'd be all over me.  I found that incredible because I was always drawn to her and now realize I am in love with her.

When I am out more women hit on me than men. Once while I was on a date.  I was mortified but I played it off by buying her a drink.

I check out women as much as my guy buddies do.  Last summer I developed a crush on a younger college gal and found myself trying to pick her up!

I even find that I at times act rather sexist and surround myself only with guys.  I don't like being around women.  Am I avoiding them?

So maybe 2009 I should really let myself go and think about love in a different way.  Maybe I should explore this and see if that's what is keeping me from being in a relationship with a guy.

Wow, this could be a new journey for me!

By: hotncmom
Age: 41-45
1,323 people have read this story

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    hotncmom
    hotncmom

    Hi everyone wow thanks!



    Well my 2009 mantra is "Wherever it takes me"

    All my life I have been in control in charge while living out what was required OF me.



    Yet one of my guy buddies has noticed over the past two years that four women hit on me while we were at at local public events.



    Now my BFF is married and she would never act on it and I would never make her. I have her as my soul mate for life. Which is more than her cheating husband has!



    Recently a women I met over four years ago tracked me down when she divorced because she thought she felt a connection between us! I am deeply flattered. Since she found me and we reconnected I find myself thinking about her like a teenaged girl.



    I put all of that together. Plus my growing disinterest in men in spite of my efforts to have an active dating life and wonder...am I lesbian? Just exploring?

    Does it even matter?



    If love is love what does it matter? I don't care about a man's race or physical characteristics when it comes to love so why am I hung up on their gender? Well it's not because that I am not attracted to women it IS because of what others would think.



    Yet now I am 40 and divorced seven years I have become more assertive, confident, and pretty much don't give a rip what people say about me as long as I am loving positive person.



    AKM31 I would say that this would have been scary just a few years ago. Now, I am not as scared. Like Enragedkitten said, what worse can happen? that people don't see like they used to? They are already getting used to the REAL me coming out. I



    What could be wrong about opening myself to love regardless of where that takes me.

    Apr 2, 2009
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    AKM31
    AKM31

    WOW - you could be writing about me, although I have not made it to the divorced part...... I think about women all the time, and have seen my life thru your story, and I have to say it is a bit scary....

    Apr 2, 2009
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    enragedkitten
    enragedkitten

    I agree with didimarjeta. Life is all about experience and trying new things. You have already done the marriage thing with a man. Now you're in a whole new world. A whole new adventure. Go with it. GO with your new life and new experience. Whats the worse that can happen? People seeing you differently? We live and we learn. Everyday is an adventure. You must live your life to its fullest and never look back. Dont focus on past or the future, focus on the NOW! Try it out and no regrets. The only thing you'll regret is if you dont follow your heart and just go for it. You'll never know unless you try.

    Apr 2, 2009
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    didimarjeta
    didimarjeta

    Denial comes before acceptance. Listen to your inner voice, it wont let you down.



    I can only speak from experience - I was 30 or so before I realised I was a lesbian - and can say that if you don't at least try it, you will spend the rest of your life wondering "what if...."

    Mar 26, 2009
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