In The Closet With A Toe Out But Not Really...

Since fourth grade,  I didn't want to get married. Since seventh grade, I realized that when a boy kissed me, I never got butterflies. In eighth grade, my best friend and I showered each other with too much affection, wrote notes that bordered on the topic of mutual obsession, and when I moved that year, we both considered a joint suicide.

Then, I moved, and worked a lot harder at being what I called "happier", I found myself attracted to female celebrities but chalked it up to idolization. However, I found myself liking far too many female celebrities. I dated boys, kissed boys, but at the same time, at parties I would kiss girls, too (I was drunk, right!?). Later in high school, I met a guy who I utterly destroyed, and I realized that this had become a habit. I would date boys and hurt them because I couldn't find them attractive. I started to become enamored with crossdressing boys (they were men but they sure looked like women). I told some people I was bi, but never everyone, and if someone approached me, asking, I would deny it.

And now, here I am, with a therapy appointment for Friday to talk this all out. In college, I found myself falling in love with another girl (a lesbian). She thought that I was straight. Then, she realized that I would constantly touch her arm. She became wary but liked the attention. All in all, she tortured me. I decided to tell her that I liked her. She said she already knew. We decided to stay friends. I thought I was over her. I could talk with her about other girls that she liked. She assumed I was straight, just with a past liking for her in particular.

A few days ago, I had a heart-wrenching experience with an ex boyfriend/best friend. I felt as though I would lose him forever, and I thought to myself, you love him. Then the other day, I saw the girl I had "gotten over" and realized that I loved her still. Now, I find my boyfriend detestable; I told the girl that I could never speak to her again. We argued; I cried. We don't speak, and I'm in pain.

I should end things with my "boyfriend", but he would die from anger, pain, and humiliation. He told me that he's never been over me. He's my best friend. I'm in the same situation that I was in when I broke things off with him the first time. I'm tired of crying, shaking, having no appetite. I have a therapy appointment for Friday but I'm terrified that the psychologist will tell me to end things with my boyfriend because I just can't do this to him twice.

I'm slowly realizing that I am not straight. I am not bisexual. I like girls, only girls. I have not had strong lasting feelings for a boy since I started kissing in the sixth grade. Now, I am afraid. I've only told (not including the girl herself) two people that I was in love with her, and they both assume that I am straight and just had a phase. Well, they assumed it and I told them so.

I'm hurting the people around me, and myself.

All I can think of is that I can't hurt my boyfriend. And then, there's this memory when my sister found a quiz i had written about myself online that said my sexual orientation was bi. I convinced her it was a joke, but she looked me over and said: "If it's not, get help. See a therapist. You need it."

Please, be honest with me. I'm scared out of my mind of the situation I've gotten myself in.

ellaemma ellaemma
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 9, 2010 ur sister don't understand being gay isn't a choice. I have thought about girls since around the age of 10. I still never admitted it to myself or realized it till last year

there's only one person that i know in person and not on the web that i told im lesbian and i said it over txt cuz we were tlking bout some girl i like. my little sister knows but she thinks im bi. she only knows cuz she went looking through my stuff when we were younger. i've always considered myself lesbian since b4 i was 10 but i sometimes like boys so im majorly confused.