Help Please! I'm In A Relationship And My Family Doesn't Know About Me :/

          So I am currently in a relationship with this girl, my first one at it too! We've been together for about 4 months, she is out to everyone in her life, I am not, except to a couple of my friends. We're both in so utterly in love. I've met her family and most of her friends which are all very nice and accepting. But my issue is that MY family doesn't! And I wish could somehow get the cojones to tell them! I come from a Hispanic family, btw, my girlfriend is white. (I feel like white people are generally more open-minded and accepting than Hispanics). But I am sooo fear of rejection! I think my parents are homophobic, especially my mom (I can't read my dad, we don't communicate much, although it isn't the best relationship and we fight alot, my mom and I at least can communicate better than my father and I). When I first started dating my girlfriend, she would come over to my house quite a bit, mostly just to watch movies in my room. Then one day my mom knocked on my door to ask me something, and I opened the door for her and I guess she saw the comforter all messed up. Later on that afternoon, as my girlfriend was leaving, my mom gave my girlfriend a dirty look. A while after she left, my mom asked me, "why is it that every time your friend comes over, you get under the bed?" She caught me completely off-guard, and i just said, "no, we don't." And that was that. But we weren't really doing anything except just cuddling, besides she was under my sheets cause it was cold. But anyways, that was the last time she came over to my house, now I'm usually the one that has to go over to her place (not that I mind), or when she's in town (she's from the next city over) we can only do outside stuff, but can never just hang out at my place. 

          So I'm not sure if my mom is suspicious of me. But she hasn't mentioned that incidence since, or asked about my "friend." Or maybe she's pushed that to the back of her head and doesn't even remember now. Anyways, I feel like I'm on the verge of exploding! Because I wish I could show my girlfriend off to everybody, especially my family, to let them know of just how great of a person she is, but I'm so fear of rejection. Like I really want my gf to meet my sisters (I am the youngest of 4 sisters), and so does she! And she was just as excited about having me meet her peeps before I did (though I was sort of nervous lol). And it's not like my gf pressures me into telling them. She is so supportive of me, she says she'll be content and will support me with whatever decision I make. She says it doesn't bother her, but I don't feel right having her as a secret. I've been thinking of telling one of my sisters first. I think she'll be accepting of me, hopefully. My two eldest sisters, I'm not so sure about. My biggest challenge will definately be my parents though. 

          I've been talking to a few of my friends that know about my situation and they all seem to say pretty much the same thing: to not rush through it, that I'll know when the time is right. But honestly, I don't feel they'll ever be "right time." I mean seriously, it's not like it'll go perfect just because it was "timed perfectly." Idk, maybe im being too pessimistic, and am just overreacting. One of my friends told me to just not even worry about that right now, just to cherish the time I have with my gf. But it's like then WHEN am I supposed to worry about it? Am I supposed to just keep on pushing it aside? I already sometimes feel like crap for having to lie to my family about where and with who I'm hanging out with. My gf, as supporting and loving as she is, brought up a good point to me the other day, she said to me, "would you rather tell your parents straight up, or have them catch you on the act?" 

          When i tell my parents, and if the worse really does occur, I wouldn't know what to do. Because a) I cant imagine ever not being on speaking terms with my parents and b) I can't afford to move out because even though I have a part-time job, and am a full-time college student, I am dependent on them. And like my gf said, what if i in the future we want to go out to trips together, or even move in together? And I don't think I'll be able to just eliminate them out of my life  like some people have done, if they do reject me. And I DO know about the whole, "make yourself happy, and not other people happy." But I just don't know if I am mentally strong enough to go over that hurdle. And I feel like I'm beating myself for this, and i should NOT care, but how could I not care when my family means so much to me (though we have alot of issues of our own)?

          Sorry for the length, but I just had to vent. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

newstart02 newstart02
18-21, F
6 Responses Feb 18, 2010

reminds me of me when i was with my girlfriend - the first few months we weren't really careful enough about it and my parents were very suspicious of all the time we spent in my room. thing is, for a year or so, we weren't even doing anything, we weren't even together, we were just best friends that were unknowingly becoming a bit closer than usual. though it did end up becoming something serious. anyway, to be honest, sometimes i really thing my mom knows. one day she just stopped questioning me about it, and i really think she just knows and it's kind of like this i-know-that-you-know-that-know-but-let's-keep-it-simple-and-not-ever-talk-about-it sort of thing. but unlike you, i really don't think i'll ever have it in me to be openly gay. and i think my mom knows that.<br />
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anyway. i'll try to give advice, but keep in mind that i have not come out myself so i may not be the best person to give advice. i would talk to your girlfriend about it, about her own experience coming out, and maybe she has other friends who have faced the same struggle, etc.<br />
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first, you need to think and make sure that you are okay with making the decision to come out before you actually do it. i would never want you to take that step and regret it afterwards. you come across as a strong girl, and i think you'll soon know what you want. to be honest, it seems to me that for you, the better choice might be to try and open up to people soon. you seem to really want that freedom and it seems like it's something you really aspire to have. maybe all these questions you're asking yourself - maybe it's you telling yourself that maybe the "right time" is approaching. you seem to really want to have that weight off your shoulders and to be able to be with your girlfriend openly.<br />
realistically, your parents probably shouldn't be the first ones to tell, mainly for financial reasons and because you're still dependent on them. and i understand how important family can be - it's not such an easy sacrifice to make, even if you SHOULD be able to just be yourself, it's not always such an easy decision. however, i do think that complete abandonment of a child because they're gay is rarer than we sometimes imagine it to be. there are of course cases where that happens, but even judgemental parents still have hearts. i think it's more likely that they would tell you to "stop being gay" or to try dating boys, etc. or maybe they'd just prefer to be uninvolved and let you live your personal life as you want as long as you don't expect them to approve. but even in these cases, i think that they would still want to maintain a relationship with you, since you are their daughter. and remember that a lot of their anger is probably based in genuine concern or just a lack of knowledge about homosexuality in general. but regardless, to be safe, your sister, as you said, is probably a better place to start. i think that typically younger people are more open minded on the subject, and if you get the impression that she wouldn't take it as bad, you're probably right. and if that went well, maybe you'd have someone on your side to help you figure out the best way to open up to your parents.<br />
and remember that even if at first it doesn't go well, it might get better later. when you tell your family, they might take it as a shock and take their frustration/confusion out on you. but if you give them some time to get used to the idea, to think about it - without making them uncomfortable and pushing it in their face - they might slowly become more accepting.<br />
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good luck in whatever you decide to do! keep us updated.

? is not shoud u tell them ? is do u want to live with the secret . My adv is write them a letter explainig what u feel put it where thy will find it and go and visit ur gfrend four the weekend when u return on sunday sit down with them and have a talk to them . U not being there when the read the letter will give them time to work out there own emosions they love u so there shoud not be problems that cant be talked out and solved

i think that you should tell your one sister first definetly and then ask her what she thinks your parents would say. sooner or later you're going to have to tell them. Think of it as if your parents wanted you to be happy and you being happy is being with your gf then they should too. I dont know if that made snese but i get what you mean not being able to tell your paretns about her. Maybe the best way to tell your parents is with her by your side so they can see that she is a good person and how happy the both of you are. If they dont like your decision then you should tell them that its your choice and tell them that you dont want them to be mad or kick you out because you love them but your happy the way you are. i really hope i helped hope to hear from you soon :)

I think you're going to have to just go for it. I know it will be hard, but you don't want to keep beating yourself up wondering what would happen if you told them, or what would happen if they somehow found out. Maybe you don't even have to throw it all at them right away. Talk to them about gay rights and their views on them. You don't even have to tell them about your girlfriend right away. Just tell them you're a lesbian. As for the right time? Try to get them in a good mood. There will be no perfect time, so just say it when you feel like you're capable of saying it.

you see, i don't understand what you mean by "on my own terms." isn't that the same thing as "you know when the time is right"?

Well i think you should tell them on your own terms and telling your sisters first is a good idea