Behind The Mask

I just signed up few minutes ago and the reason I'm here because I'm a closet lesbian like u all here. I'm truly grateful I've found this website because at last now, I have a place to spill everything out and of course knowing that I'm not alone. I'm from a strict, quite traditional, Catholic family and I also went to a Catholic all-girls high school. My father always make sure that me and my siblings are also spiritually educated. So even though I'm a lesbian, I still believe in God. well, who says lesbianism is equivalent to pagan or evil. All I know is that being a lesbian is not what I chose to be but it's just what and who I really am since I was born. I never hav a daddy issue nor abused before. Oh before I continue, I hope u wont mind that I might made a few grammatical errors here as I'm an asian girl who doesnt really practice my english everyday.

So, here are few things about me. I used to be a butch before I'm 15 and I remember when I reached that age, my mom and sis kinda criticized what I wear(black t-shirts, shorts/jeans, sneakers), my hairstyle and how I walked(like a guy). And I'm also sick of people staring me or maybe even questioning my gender. I felt that I was discriminated by my friends and the community around me because of what I am, so I decided to change. I changed my style, my way of walking, talking and I act like a feminine now even tho I felt uncomfortable at times. It's like I'm wearing a mask and be somebody that I'm not. Believe me if ur living in my neighbourhood, u would have also done the same thing because I'm living in a suburban where people are still very traditional(well most of them).

For almost 18 years I have live in this world, I never hav a relationship with someone because obviously I cant date a guy because I'm not attracted to them, and I cant date a girl too because I'm a coward. Believe me, I had a few crushes on women but I cant do anything but only to take a glance on them from not less than a mile away, literally. And because of that, I have this sort of unsatisfaction that I can hardly explain what. I want a girlfriend not because I want to touch their body but to share my life with. The beauty of being with a women is that they are soft and understanding and of course no need to mention that they're pretty. I'm a long-term relationship person anyway, not one night stand. I wish that one day I can settle down with the love of my life and have children with her...

I guess that's all from me now. I promise that u will hear more from me very soon whether r u interested in my story or not because I would explode anytime soon if I dont. I just cant bare this secret alone anymore. Thanks for reading anyway, I'm off to read the other posts here. Oh, I'm new here, so nice meeting ya.;)

closetted closetted
18-21, F
9 Responses Feb 24, 2010

thanks for sharing your story. :)

probably, watermelon... hahaha... neways, nice The L Word pic there ur using, it's one of my favs and surely a way for me to understand more about lesbians

Oh my goodness, I know that if we knew each other in person somehow, we'd be dating. Not to make anything awkward :]

hey, thxs a lot there

hi, great to hear from you :)<br />
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so many of us are in similar situations<br />
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and do what you want, when you want - t's all up to you and what you're comfortable with.

Better days are coming. Just give a time! as you're sweet and beautiful, your girl is finding you now. :)

You bet. You'll hear some great words of wisdom out here sometimes. Maybe not from ME but...... Hope you find your courage.

hey thanks for reading it first of all. seriously, I never thought that I would get any reply that fast. anyways, thanks 4 d words, I really appreciate them.

Try being yourself FOR yourself. Sounds to me like you know who you are, what's the worst that can happen if you act on your feelings? Smile, be strong and go have fun!