My Story

I'm in my early 30's and I've been married to a man since my early/mid 20's. I have known I was a lesbian for sure since I was 19, started feeling it strongly at 17. I think I was aware even in middle school, but didn't allow myself to go there. The label of gay or straight has always annoyed me because I fall in love with a person, not a body or the shell. I am physically attracted to women more so than men, in fact, I can't say I have any physical attraction to men at all. That being said I have allowed myself to fall in love with them anyway.

I caved to society. I did what I was supposed to do. I dated men, then married one, had children...but have had female lovers because that is what my whole self body and soul craved. The only times I have ever enjoyed sex it was with another woman. Not to say my desire for another woman is sexually based. The connection, the understanding....Don't get me wrong! I've met more than a couple female pigs in my time, and I'm not living in some lala land and think lesbian life is full of loving intimacy. Nope, there are some harsh ******* out there, I know this, but I miss being with another woman so badly that I ache. My heart sinks, or it feels like a bowling ball in my gut when I see a lesbian couple or even two women that look as if they are close, best friends...I always think to myself " I wonder if they are a couple behind closed doors?" It might be my history that makes me jump to those conclusions. I have had the female version of Brokeback Mountain play out in my life. Not exactly...but the whole "secret lovers" thing.

Now that I am married with children I have cut myself off from that and from most everything really. Now I am just trying to be a good mom and keep my family happy, but I am sad to admit at times I feel as if I am under house arrest. Also other family members like mom, aunts, cousins etc. are not accepting of the lifestyle and me being one to try and keep the peace and actually caring what they think of me...I've kept myself locked tightly in the closet. I know some will say I should "out" myself proudly... but I don't see myself reaching for the bolt cutters anytime soon, or maybe ever! So, now what? What do I do? Do I find another trapped closet case and we fall in love inside our little closet, our little secret garden? Behind the backs of our significant others? Oh yes, I know that is asking for trouble. I know the world would say that is "wrong" but I am at a point that I don't know what else to do. I am not standing on moral high ground; I'm not above having an affair. I'm not even sure if being monogamous is natural anyway.

I hope nobody will assume I am out hunting for sexual, a friendship, that turns into a connection, that could lead to a relationship. A secret one...tragic but true. Please do not assume because I communicate with you on this page that I am "after you" or trying to get into your bed. If I am friendly that is because I am just a friendly person. I don't want someone that comes on strong from day one, or calling me "baby' after two days of emails. No need to send me photos of your breasts, or crotch, or your *** bent over...Why is it so many people get the impression that gays are out trolling for sex? It gets on my nerves. I want to make friends here, friends that might have some insight as to what I might be feeling. If there is a connection, that leads to a spark, that leads to a fire... so be it but let it happen naturally. I am not just some woman that is bored with being married and is curious (I see nothing wrong with that though) I know what I like.

You might be thinking how can I make friends with someone that is hiding, has a bag over her head, no photos, or personal info...? Well, if in time I trust you I will send you a link to my Myspace page full of photos and info about my life. You might also be thinking what does this person look like? What type is she? Well, here we go with labels again. If I had to put myself in a category I would be a femme, lipstick...I am not prissy at all, but not at all butch either. Nobody likes to toot their own horn but I think I'm pretty (enough). And like I said before I fall in love with the person, not the box they came in, but if I had to pick a preference I would say I am also attracted to the same femme type. Body shape and size is not an issue for me. What I really want to know is what you are made of...your stuffing...What is on the inside?? Anyway, enough for now. I'm sure I'll write more when the mood strikes. : )



Written about 5 months ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike

RoseLeto RoseLeto
31-35, F
6 Responses Feb 24, 2010

AHHHHHHHH!!! <br />
I am NOT alone! <br />
I too am in a relationship with a man. We have been together for 11 years and have 2 little girls. I have experimented with an older female co-worker about 7 years ago and thats my extent on a gay relationship. She is the only person that knows I have a REAL attraction for woman. Of course I comment about going "Gay for Angelina" but every girl says that and I'm sure everyone thinks I am just joking about it. <br />
I know that I am not Happy in my current relationship and its not because he isn't a woman LoL <br />
I just don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be the "bad guy". Because the last time we broke up, I did the breaking. I know he loves. I know he loves me a LOT. He loves our girls and I could NEVER have asked for a better father. So I don't want to be the heart breaker AGAIN. But I do know that I want to experience life more. That includes trying a relationship with a woman.

I just read your post and this sounds so very much like me and my situation. If you ever need to vent, I would be happy to listen.

wow, you couldn't have described my situation better...though, minus the kids, and am actually just on the brink of going forward with acting on a potential first lesbian relationship. And you couldn't have said it better: "it's what (apparently) my body and soul craves", as really, I have never been able to conjure up feelings to this extent with men.

Love your post ! It is so great to read about others like me.

Wow I feel like this will be me one day ! I just can't decide if its worth coming out now and avoid all of the secrets...I'm 23... the thought of people knowing I'm gay terrifies me

I totally understand the annoyance of being classed as either gay, bi or straight.<br />
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I, as you do, fall for those as individuals and not down to gender etc.<br />
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I am still young though so I'm not sure if my sexuality will level itself out. But, like you said, I know what I like.<br />
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I hope you get what you want out of life (:<br />
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