The Double Life I Can't Stop Living

It's so hard living the double life--identifying as straight with most people, but identifying as gay with the ones i really trust.  I am in a very serious lesbian relationship, with someone who i love with all my heart.  we are getting married soon (though I have not broke the news to my family yet), and we have talked numerous times about starting our own family in the near future.  I am not originally from her hometown, so none of my long-time friends or family are in the area.  Her city has become the city I identify as gay in, yet in my city, i still can't bring myself to let people know the truth. My three best friends know, and that is it.  In conversation with people from my city, I catch myself lying and saying "my boyfriend" whenever I need to. I get so irritated with myself everytime I do it, but I can't stop yet, even though I promise myself next time I will tell the truth.  Consequently, I just try to avoid the subject of a significant other because I don't want to have to "out" myself to people. however, when i'm just meeting people in my girlfriend's city, i have no problem saying that i'm gay.  I wish I could stop the lies, I just don't know how.

Part of the problem is that I am very close with my mom. She is like my best friend, but she also has a ton of influence over me, even though I am older now and have my own life away from home.  However,when I did finally muster the courage to tell her I'm a lesbian, she stated that I was not, and we have not discussed the issue since.  As a result, I don't feel like I can tell her I have a girlfriend, even though I really want to. I want to just blurt it out to her. She would accept me, eventually, she'd come around. I know she will always love me, but it's still hard to admit the truth after she shut me down the last time i tried to talk about it, at a time when i really needed her support.  I also know, though, that my mom is very good at living "double" lives, so I feel that she will not tell her friends or our family that I'm gay either because if she does, they will think she failed as a mother.

Now I have caught myself in a web of lies, and I hate that. That's not who I want to be. I need to find an exit to this double life I've created for myself, I just don't know how. I love my girlfriend very much, and this double life I am living is not fair to her either.

teagirl21 teagirl21
22-25, F
8 Responses Mar 4, 2010

I'm currently in the same situation. I started dating my girlfriend last January. I just can't find it inside me to tell my family and friends. I grew up in a very conservative, religious environment and so far the people I have told have been extremely discouraging. I haven't gotten one positive response. The best I've gotten was a neutral response from a couple friends. The negative reactions have really scared me into just continuing to live in this fake bubble of mine. I've alienated most people in my life who don't know and who I'm also afraid of telling because the lies got to be too much to handle. I honestly don't know where to go from here. I'm considering moving cities with my girlfriend and just starting over with a new life, new friends, everything.

The other side of the closet and the impact it had on me.<br />
I entered a relationship with a closeted lesbian and at first did not want to stress her out to come out. I felt that when she was ready she would do the right thing. As it turned out, she never got the courage to face the fact that she was a lesbian and in a gay relationship and all the double life and lies eventually came between us. We were together for 9years and I endured a lot of heartbreak because she would not come out and lived in a bubble. We always had to come up with some stupid lies about holidays and even when we bought a house together, she still referred to me as her roommate; making me say that our room was my room and the guest room was her room and even staging it when people came to visit us. Her mother who she was very afraid of and could not stand-up to was also another thing that came between us since she was a very controlling woman who spent most of her life controlling her husband with threats and ultimatums. She was forced to tell her mother early on in our relationship because she would come over and make references that I was taking advantage of her and was often disrespectful to me. Her mother also told her to never tell her father because it would ruin the family.<br />
My girlfriend never set boundaries with her family and so I had to set them. I went to counseling to learn how to cope and love someone who does not accept who they are and who denis being in a same-sex relationship. I was often hurt by all the lies and eventually started to feel that she was ashamed of me and that somehow I was unworthy of her love. The more she denied the facts about who she was the more I overcompensated in the hopes that someday she might see me and accept me and love me. Over time, this wore me thin and I eventually got diagnosed with an illness that is linked to stress and emotions and my health took a hit.<br />
She was not willingly go to counseling and instead of trying to work on these issues she avoided them and often minimized the effects that they had on me. For example, at Christmas, her mother with give me a few gifts under the tree with everyone and then later when no one was around would give me extra gifts in confidence, leaving me feeling like a dirty little secret. There are too many examples to list and the reason I writing this is not to focus on this part.<br />
When my partner got a full-time job and had a benefit plan she would not add me to her plan because that meant that she would have to out herself at work even if it was in a controlled environment with an HR Person in total confidence. After several conversations with some of our gay friends who knew she was gay, she decided to add me to her benefits and presented this to me in a card as an anniversary gift. When I was not over the moon about it, she was saddened by the fact that my reaction was not what she was anticipating. After sharing my life with her for at least 4 or 5 years, I found it very hurtful that she did not just add me on in the first place. <br />
Over time her willingness to come out, did not seem to increase, as I wish it could and eventually all the lies came between us and I started to question when she was being honest because she was always having to tell lies about everything. I started to wonder if she was also lying when she told me she loved me, when she wrote endearing notes in my cards that were only for my eyes. To this day, I still don’t know if she ever loved me and am still trying to come to terms about all the hurt and raw emotions that started to erode our relationship. All of the lies, ended up making me feel unworthy, unlovable, defective, like she was ashamed of me and the list goes on. <br />
If you really do care about your girlfriend than make sure that your actions support what your words say, otherwise at some point she may start to resent you and all the lies might come between you and robe you of your best friend and partner. Best of luck, just thought you should know what it is like from the other side. <br />
As for the other person who responded, I think that it is better to not enter a relationship with someone until you are comfortable with who you are and can come to terms with coming out. It is really hard to love someone who does not love and accept themselves and it is really hard to be in an intimate equal relationship with someone like that. From a girl who escaped her girlfriend’s closet with a lot of anger. hurt and not knowing what was true and what was a lie.

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is thinking of moving to california.... ;)

she lives in california.<br />
i do need to remember just to be happy with what i do have....but it can be a challenge on some days!<br />
good luck with your situation. i wish you the best.

hey, that's the exact situation that I'm in now, except for the part that I hav a gf. Just like you, only the person that I trust knows that I'm gay and as for the others including my family, I acted straight by saying 'wow, that guy is hot!' and things like that. Anyways, u should be happy that u hav found ur other half because, like me, I dont even hav the courage to hav gf because I'm still stuck in this city that just like urs, a city which homo is still unacceptable. So stop worrying and just be happy. Oh btw, where is ur gf's city? I just want to know which part of the world is gay friendly if u dont mind because someday I'm sure gonna get out of here... all the best to u there

Interesting, the only suggestion I can think of, if possible, perhaps try going to the occasional gay bar in your city, try it out, perhaps someone you know will be there and make it easier.