My Story


This is the first time I am doing this kind of thing and the first time in my life, I am expressing my true feelings about this and I am scarred of it, so here it goes:
First of all I should say something about myself: since I was a young boy, I was very fond of technology and almost all my life wanted to become an engineer, a thing that I’ve managed to accomplish, I do not come from a rich family, but almost all I wanted, sooner or later I managed to accomplish. So I can say that I am a pretty decisive person when I want to.
Unfortunately I cannot say that I have a happy family also. My parents are divorced and my father is a very aggressive person, when I was a child he used to beat me, and he always told me that I was stupid, idiot, he always laughed at me and he always told me that I will never manage to accomplish something with my life, I always hated him.

I have been raised as a Christian but in time I have lost my belief in church, but don’t get me wrong I still believe that it must be someware out there, a force bigger then we can possibly understand and comprehend, only that I started to question all that the church teaches us and I have my own vision about god now, but I don’t want to enter in this subject right now.
I like to think that I am balanced and a logical person, usually my friends come to me to ask for advices, about their life, what decisions they should make in different kind of problems, witch made me feel good about my self, and I always liked to help them, I usually like to help people in general as much as I can possible help. But also I have a bad side, I cannot stand stupidity and I usually make fun of people who I consider stupid, and sometimes I feel really bad about that and I regret a lot.

I am very sad when I see all the injustice in this world, I see tormented souls, broken family’s as my own, abandoned children, murders, corruption, suicides, I see others like me that are pretty smart, but never had the money to follow up a good school and they had to give up for work, just for gaining their every day life, all the ignorance in society and these lust for power, that we have, isn’t going to take us anywhere.

Anyway, I am a closeted gay, I don’t know exactly when I realized that I have inclinations towards men, all I can tell is that I think I where like this since I can remember, I’ve always had an attraction towards boys and men. At the beginning I didn’t give it much attention, I thought that it’s probably something that will pass away, but it didn’t, I started to be more ashamed of it so I closed myself. I have a lot of friends, all of them are straight and they have no clue about my inclinations what so ever, I think that till now I have managed to hide myself pretty well. I also tried to come close to girls in my life, but as much as I tried I never could cross a certain limit.

Anyway I like being a man, I mean I like straight stuff, kind of strange saying it, but I do, I like cars, sound systems, electronics, and mechanics. I will never wear women closes, or wear pink, carry a purse, or wear make up, I find it silly, not that I have anything against people that do, it just doesn’t suits me.
I was kind of happy, if I can say that, I can say that during my life I have managed to build a mask, or I can say a wall that surrounded me under witch I felt secure, but now I feel that I am in a cage, a cage that it started to suffocate me.

This happened after I met a guy, at the beginning I had no feelings for him, I just looked at him as a friend, but as the time passed I started to think more and more at him, till the point that I realized that I love him, it was a feeling that I never felt before towards another guy. Well he has a girlfriend and I think that he is completely straight. It was the way he looked at me and the way he spoke to me that aroused these feelings, he was always looking straight into my eyes and his warm voice and other things that I had never saw it to anyone till then, I mean a straight guy, just droved me insane. Also I felt sexually attracted to him, he is a good looking guy, and he works out a lot, I also felt a little discouraged about that because I am not quite a handsome guy.
We used to have discussions about anything: about life, women, god and anything else that we could come across our minds. I always feel happy when I am around him.

When I started to be sure that I love him, immediately I realized that I could never be with him and that hurt a lot. To him I think that I am nothing more than his best friend, as he told me, off course I replied back with the same.

So I felt a lot of pain, I started to have many contradictory feelings about myself. I started to realize what I really am. There where moments that I just wished to be normal (anyway what is normal nowadays), and to have a normal life, to have children, a family, but it was in vain, I knew that but still thought of it. I cried my eyes out trying to find an answer to what is happening to me, trying to understand life, my life, homosexuality. I even tried asking our creator (God), for a sign, I cried my heart out, praying for just a sign, I asked for a small sign that only me could see, a sign that could show me that I can find someone who can love me, and witch I can love back, a sign that will tell me that sometime in the future it will all be fine, I mean what would that meant for the deity, the mighty, all knowing, all powerful force that created the universe…..just a small sign, and do you know what I received? Nothing!

I even thought, that if I had a knife and if it where possible, I would cut out that part that made me the way I am. (A stupid idea, I immediately realized). Also a lot of other dark thoughts came into my mind, I even thought about dying. I know that it was a stupid, stupid thought and I cannot believe that it even crossed my mind, I was extremely ashamed of it and scarred.

I have thought about it continuously and I think that I have to accept what I am, for that I have to chose different friends, because I don’t know how many of my friends are real friends.

Unfortunately I live in a country where homosexuality is a very strong taboo, people are so small minded about that, and I am afraid I could lose everything and being considered a monster of some sort, and a freak.

I always like (ironically) that idea that homophobic people use: If all men in the world where gay, then how humanity will survive, so by this idea homosexuality is unnatural and should still be condemned, and it’s definitely a bad thing. Well I disagree, if you travel in and get to see other cultures in this world, you will see that there so much you cannot understand or agree, so if this would be the only thing that we cannot understand I would agree. Human beans are so diverse and different in this world that there are no stars in sky, as there are differences between us so logically, it’s impossible for all men in this world to be alike, thus is a stupid idea from the start to begin with. And anyway we are just a civilization from many that passed. Homosexuality existed, possibly since humanity existed. In many old civilizations it was largely accepted (Old Greece for example), and it didn’t wiped out humanity, for crying out loud.
We must keep in mind one thing: this world didn’t started with us and it will not end with us, so who are we to judge something that we still cannot fully understand, human behavior.

I always wanted to leave to another place, another country, maybe deep down inside I knew that this will happen to me.

Out of all my friends I chose one to come up to, yes he is a guy. He accepted the way I am, although he was extremely shocked, I know him for quite some years know, and he told me that he would never believed that about me, anyway I made him to swear that he won’t tell anyone. He was quite enthusiastic that he has a gay friend. You can’t even imagine how reliving that was for me. After so many years someone else knows what I am. It was unbelievable for me also. And I also felt kind of sad because I know that not everyone like me is so fortunate to have someone to talk to.
But he is straight so he cannot give any advice.

So in the end, I have decided that I want know others like me and to share our thoughts, feelings and ideas. All I really need now is to talk to someone like me, and listen to my friend advice: I will never find anyone, if I don’t come up with this to people that are like me, and I will always be unhappy.

I am also afraid that I will come up ending in my 50’s, all alone and insane, one of my greatest fears! I spent much time alone, thinking about me, my life and what will become of it. I always thought about myself that I am a strong person that can handle in any situation. I was wrong!

So if you have any advice for me, I am opened, because right now I feel lost. I don’t know who I am anymore.
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5 Responses Jul 21, 2010

I guess this thread is why I joined this group. I am NOT a closeted gay, I am an out Gay Man. This thread troubles me, first I have read several of you commenting that the thoughts of suicide crossed your minds. To you and everyone else who reads these posts in the future, Suicide is not the answer. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation. The other thing that troubles me, is the religiousity that abounds in these comments. Religion teaches that being Gay is a sin, not God. God says Love your neighbor, it is religion that teaches that it is okay to hate this man or that man because of the color of their skin, the religion they practice, or who they sleep with. This is the commandment that you need to keep in mind as you come to terms with your sexuality: Love One Another. Love Yourself. Love Your Neighbor As Yourself.

I am in the same shoes like you.<br />
I am Asian, and gay is a taboo in my country.<br />
Tried to hide it, covered it up with lies and lot of friends,<br />
but the more I cover it up, the more I am losing my self.<br />
I love guys, try to get close to them. Try to tell them about my feeling,<br />
but in the end of the day I was bullied at school. But I keep denying it.<br />
I spend every day of my highschool life in fear that my family will know.<br />
I want to be free. I want to love and be loved by someone.<br />
I am sick and tired of all these lies and nonsense that buried me inside. <br />
But, I don't have any choice, but to continue my life in lies.<br />
Because I am the only son in my family. <br />
I have no choice, if I don't want to be secluded by my family.<br />
I was also thinking about dying.<br />
Thinking that it is the restart button that can reset my life.<br />
But I love my family so much that I can't do it. <br />
<br />
You are lucky to have someone who can accept you.<br />
I got no one. My whole life is a lie.

Dear Durchschneiden,<br />
Your story is very sad. It brakes hearts feeling the words that you have said. I believe that some day you will find the strength and do what you desire and fullfill your dreams. We are here for you, my friend. It is very difficult for you I can see that. At least one of your closests friends is there for you! <br />
I am also scared that I might be alone forever and that how i as well joined this site!<br />
<br />
I hope you as well as others here find eventualy find our meaning of life and follow our path as it should be fair for all of us. We are people as well cant they see that?! We all cry about this.... well it is time to gain strength and build a prosperous future. As you said homosexuality has excisted for ever! So we arent the first and surely we arent the last! <br />
<br />
I hope dearly in my heart that everyone like us will feel someday the greatness of acceptance and fullfill our dreams. I wil be here for you my friend. As also for everyone here..... we can become friends of heart!

Hey, <br />
You commented on one of my stories so i only thought its right to read some of yours and after reading this one i kinda broke down a bit and felt sad and horrible. I think i can say this and be pretty accurate that most gay guys have fallen for a straight guy at some point. I have fallen in love with a few. I acted upon it once and it only tore a good friendship apart. To this day he still won't talk to me.<br />
<br />
Anyways, i just want to let you know if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to message me or email me @ I check it all the time so I'll reply soon if/when you message me. I'm not trying to "make a move" on you or whatever just want to help you as much and whenever i can if you need it. <br />
<br />
Hope everything for you gets better and that you have a great day. :)

Hello Durchschneiden :)<br />
<br />
Like many on this site i came for the same reason that you did. I share the feeling of loving a straight guy ( her gf is my cousin X( ) ... We have a difference thou i do believe in church but more that in church i believe in God. I know how it feels to be afraid of not being accepted. I came out to my best friend ( the one i have feelings for ) and he is okay with it. He doesn't believe that i am gay but that is his problems he says its only that i am confused. You can read my story to know more about me. Thinking about dying its really stupid. I thought about it too but was scare of it :P (not wanting to go to hell ) I am masculine too. Not in the same aspect that you are ( i hate car and stereos ) N i would never see my self dressed in girls cloths. I have being asking for a sing too a small one a tiny one and i have receive the exact same thing that you did. Nothing!. But im still waiting for it.<br />
<br />
I can't really give you an advice since i am in the same situation. But i do wish that you find that special someone. If you want to talk I'm online at nights mostly ( USA ).