Not K

First of all sorry for my English.
I am a good writer in my native language, but I always had a problem with beginnings. I was born in Southern Europe, in 1991, August. The period that I was growing up in this country was awful: wars, hate speech, poverty and so on. I do not know why I am writing these put it seems to me that this have a lot consequences in forming my personality. Before Communism in my country, my family were very rich, but when those with red flags came, all from us were taken, and my family ( grandfather, father, me) were living in a terrible condition. Also we were national minority, and discrimination was on every step.  Well, town where I am living is full of “Red Aristocracy”, and this is how everything has started.
I am a intelligent boy, excellent student, lots of rewards. But that is not who I wanted to become, that is not one who is inside me. My parents, were totally unfair with me, they wanted from to be a nurd, but I didn’t want it. I wanted to be a popular, I wanted to play some sports, but they always said to me that I am not for sports. Everything that I was trying to change was following with my parent’s disapproval, and after some time, there were not need to be told what I am allowed to do, if any. As a boy I was raped from my family friend. He used me since I was 7 until I think 13, 14 years. It was very hard period in my life, but that was not everything that I was goon throughout. I had a terrible life condition; I lived in a house made from wood and mud, with no toilets, and bathroom. My parents were well educated, but they were not politically eligible.  I do not think that my parents were guilty for my financial status, after all everything changed before 4 years, but steel, they wanted from me to be a ROBOT, to be a statue for showing to another people. They had no reason to be ashamed because of me. I was bullied in primary school, because  of my national origin, my financial status and so one… My parents also, make me feel miserable because my father is comparing me with my grandparent, his father in law, who was a bad person. He told me that I am a bed person (personally I do not think so, neither friends around me),  that I will not achieve anything in life, that I will come to him and pray him for a piece of bread, and so on… I am not bad looking guy, but I have never had a chance to take care of my appearance.  And after all I am gay, I love males , which is taboo in my country. I have no one to speak about that except my cousin, but she is 16 years old… I am not feminized, and with no offence, I am not a fun of feminized guys. I just want to find someone who is straight acting, someone atractiv, someone who doesn’t love gay fashion (I think about pink color, rainbow flags, and etc.). In a moment of desperet I was searching on some meeting site like and so one, but all are sexual maniacs, or feminized. I really need someone who will be like straight guy, but only to love men (I think that something like that does not exist.) I will go to college in two mounts, I will be separated from my patents, but, I see no future in front of me. I was watching SUPERNATURAL, and when Dean (my namesake) and Sam were in heaven, their heaven was made of theirs best moments in life, and than I tough what  would be my heaven, I didn’t find anything, simply my life is without happy memories. I do not know what to do, have no strength for changing anything in my life, and probably I will never find anyone who I will love, because I need someone, because I need some happiness in my life. By the way I forgive to anyone who have caused me pain, because I can live with hate inside me.
Dean91 Dean91
3 Responses Aug 1, 2010

Oh my..... you have also a sad story to share. Well you have joined the right site! Because here you will find acceptance and understanding, I also have a similar story. Many gay people here are not feminine and just look normal. But you must be proud that you are different and eventually your surrounding will accept you as well. Around the world there are many like us but we cant see them because they are hiding as we are! You also could PM me as well I would like to support you moral.... I feel very sorry about your childhood. But my friend, today is a new day and it is the first day of the rest of your life! I would be happy to be friends with you as well. (

And if you want to talk look for me on IM i am online in the afternoons ( california time ) or PM me.<br />
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Best wishes :)

I am sorry to hear this. Is such a moving story. I wish you always the best of happines You will see after the storm the sun ALWAYS comes out.<br />
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I am a gay male too. Feeling like i always have to please my mom. I have the need to be something in live to rescue my family. I dont want to follow their own footsteps and become nothing out of me. But my being gay i make my mother disappointing at me. I am a straight looking gay. If you dont talk to me you will think i am straight. Even if you talk to me normally you will think i am straight. Its only when i talk of my feelings that you know that i am gay. N i am looking for some one that will love me back. I like masculine guys better too.<br />
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Its good that you forgive. Forgiveness heals all wounds. When i learned that i became healthier inside of me.<br />
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Hope everything turn out better for you. good luck in college. Im starting college on December. And one advice is that eveything you do is for you. Dont do it for no one else. It doesnt bring any rewards only if you do it for your own self. It bring satisfaction and pride to your self.<br />
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Good luck. <br />
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