I'm Gay And I Hate It!

I'm a 25 years old gay guy. My first fantasy about males that I could remember was when I was about 9 years old, and my first sexual experience with a boy when I was 15 years old. I don't really know WHY I'm gay! Why I like guys and don't like girls? I have every right to know the reason that made me gay and made that person straight, It's not fair at all. I have never been raped or molested when I was a kid, and I can't think of one little reason that could have caused it. I have been in the closet all my life, and coming out is out of the question and will never happen.. Not just because of what will other people think of me, but mainly because I don't feel like being gay is the right thing even though I'm forced to live with it. If you're gay and happy then good for you. But the problem is when you are forced to live with something that you hate.

I know that all the people reading now have this question or a similar one to me: "Why do you think homosexuality is bad or not normal?" My answer is that the idea of two guys together just doesn't seem right to me, even though that's what I want and fantasize about every single day. And I believe that not everything we want is right and normal. I don't think I can explain it to you better than that.

when I see women's private parts I feel disgusted. Excuse me for what I'm about to say.. but when I see them I feel like I'm gonna throw up, and that is supposed to happen when I see other men's private parts not women's! So there is something wrong with me. and as a result of that, there is no way in hell I'm gonna have sex with a girl and like it.

I have had several suicide attempts in the the past 10 years and all of them because I'm gay.. In the past 5 years I have visited 7 different psychiatrists and have tried more than 10 anti depression medications and I still don't feel any good at all, actually I feel worse everyday.

I'm still 25 years old and this is how I feel and have been through so far.. I wonder how it's gonna be like when I'm 35 or 45?! I hope I don't reach that age, because I don't think I would be able to live with myself, unless there will be a miracle that will turn me straight!

It's not all about sex, I just want my heart to beat fast when I see a cute girl, not a cute guy. and feel the sweat in the palms of my hands when she comes closer to me, I wanna be tongue tided when she asks me something while I gaze into her eyes longingly, and to be filled with joy and happiness with her presence.

All I want is to fall in love with a girl!
Is that too much to ask?!
sadness707 sadness707
22-25, M
20 Responses Nov 13, 2011

I felt the same way when I was like 11-12 years old... I'd realized pretty early on that I was different from other boys... I wasn't into sports, loved looking at pictures of men, i dreamed of sex with men... Basically like a girl trapped in a boy's body... I'd cry myself to sleep at times and pray to God to turn me straight...
In the meantime, I became fairly adept at impersonating the guise of a straight person... I pretended to like girls and be "unlucky in love"... One thing I couldn't turn off was my dislike of the one sport that every kid in my school was crazy about, cricket... I still hate it from the bottom of my heart... I got away with not being into soccer because there was a whole divide in our school between the local tribal people of the state we lived in, who played football (soccer) and the outsiders, who played cricket... I often had to restrain myself to prevent my homosexuality from showing... So much so, I find it hard to show emotion and be spontaneous... I also am terrified of being asked to do any so called manly work...
and the worst of it is the homophobia I cultivated in my mind to be accepted by my friends...

Somewhere along the way, I finally accepted myself for what I am, a homosexual man who wants the choice to be able to express my sexuality, perhaps even be in a stable relationship with someone which is socially acceptable...

Sadly, in my country, a landmark ruling of the high court was overturned by the supreme court and homosexuality has been declared as an offence punishable by jail time...
This is not the only problem with being gay as people are ostracized for being homosexual... I remember the more effeminate boys in my school be teased and harrassed incessantly... Things only become worse as you grow older...
on a more personal note, I did come out to one of my closest friends in the world... She was accepting at first, but I think the reality was that she wasn't truly comfortable with the idea... We thought of getting into a marriage of convenience.... We'd have kids, live in the city in our flat with a multitude of pets, I'd cook, she'd do the dished etc etc... But somewhere along the way she became convinced that she could turn me...
The poor girl was going through a tough time with the men in her life, and here I was, a non threatening male with whom she could open up to... After several conversations about whether I was in fact gay or bisexual or confused, I realized I had no future with her... She has her own struggles to overcome, I have mine and two weak pillars, a building cannot make...

My family and other friends are in the dark... I do know I've registered on people's gaydars but I'm straight-acting enough to fool most... But honestly, all I want in this world, is a man to love me as completely as I love him... I want to be married to the man I love with the blessings of our families and the good wishes of all our friends...

Sadly life is not so simple... I know my parents would not a) understand my plight (they are from the generation of fifties, and wouldn't understand about the whole concept of sexuality, at all), b) be completely heart broken about that, and c) disown me. My friends might understand but the episode with the girl I came out to makes me cautious. My country would put me in jail.

I am digressing greatly...

The point is even though the odds are stacked against me, I've accepted myself for what I am... Someday others might accept me too... Someday, I won't have to lie about anything...
But I'm happy because I'm not lying to myself anymore...

I feel the same way, but I'm still 17. I would say that I'm a relatively smart individual who tends to think scientifically. With that said, I believe being gay might deal partially with genetics and mostly with circumstances growing up. I might be wrong, so these are just informal observations I've made over many years. There are a good number of gay people (and some who I think are still in the closet) amongst my family and relatives, and the phenotype seems to exhibit characteristics of incomplete dominance (meaning family members might not be fully gay, but bisexual). Nonetheless, the phenotype still shows up completely, masking the "straight" phenotype, as I've observed with myself. However, I think that circumstances growing up played a more profound role in my attraction to males. When I was 10 years old, I experienced my initial attraction to males, similar to that of the writer at age 9. The circumstances that may have contributed to my homosexuality include being teased on numerous occasions by relatives that I was "gay," "******," etc. starting at age 4 (yes, it sounds harsh, but this was from my father's side of the family who were mainly uneducated and lacked culture and being civilized human beings). From ages 5 to 9, I was attracted to females. However, it wasn't until I first saw gay *********** at age 10 that I began developing an affinity to males. Hence, I believe that there is a critical period regarding sexual orientation around prepubescence (ages 8-12) that is extremely sensitive and will affect the psychological and brain development of a child; that is, whether or not they will be gay. I understand that all this science and psychology might seem absurd coming from a teenager. I've taken AP Psychology, AP Biology, and AP Chemistry and scored 5's on all of them, and I've been accepted into 3 of the top 10 universities in the U.S. I'm not attempting to brag, but simply providing some ethical appeal to my observations. Good luck to you all.

I'm feeling like a gay... But i dont want to be a gay... And here I am praying that i would not be a gay... What should i DO?
Is it because of HORMONAL IMBALANCE?

I feel exactly the same way. I never bought the hype that gay was good. I see all these silly 20 somethings out in the gay scene. Very shallow and self centered. Don't like them one single bit. Even if they were born feminine, they don't have to act that way.

Dude i sugest you pray about that depression and meditate on peace. AND go to a pro sex mentor possibly she could teach you a couple of trics/tecneqs that you could help you with the ladys or your soon to be boyfriend or girlfriend. Hope the best for you!

I am a mother and I suspect my son may be gay. You never mentioned family a mom a dad. I love my son and just want him to be happy. I would accept his choice.Please know god loves you and would never turn his back on you. You can be happy. Just like yourself. And know people love you. Try and let go of the stereotypes.I will say a prayer for you.

You sound like a lovely mother. I wish I could have that with my mom. But, it's not a "choice."

I totally agree that is not a choice. She seems like my mother. I also look after her after my father passed away 2 years ago. We love each other very much.

In all honesty dude, love is love; whether its with a man or woman. In my retrospective point of view of your want for a female partner is something instilled by our culture. We see it everywhere in movies, on tv, advertisement etc. Im not saying you're brain washed or even being with a woman is wrong or anything but the need to fit in with society is something we all crave. Acceptance is something we all strive for. However, we all need to realize that what we naturally feel is what is most important to us, even if it goes against what surrounds us and what we were raised up with. Accepting yourself for who you are will help realize what you want in this life, no other ideals will cloud your judgment.

I'm 27 yrs old .I'm crying when i was reading this article. The community just cant accept me and keep laughing at me like a joke. I really cant stant it and my heart hurt... I struggle the problem for 10 yrs being single. I was so lonely that i cried sometimes in the night alone, eating alone, activity alone. That's just too suffering. I hope that people at here who read this comment can choose their path and dont wait too late. Time doesnt wait us and we're just getting lonely if we struggle the problem. It just wont solve the problem... Don't follow my path.

I know how you feel. I am in the same boat. I am a christian and am a closeted gay. It doesn't feel good or right to be gay. Buit I am getting through it. Here's my advice. I firmly believe that gay is a choice from where you are little and coming from the circumstances you are in. For me, I mostly hung out with friends who were boys and not many girls. I always was told from ultra conservative people that you are not even aloud to feel attracted to girls until you are ready to marry. so I hung out with guys, trying not to be tempted.<br />
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This was my undoing. In hanging out with boys all the time and never having ever looked at a naked picture of a girl before, I naturally became attracted to the very kind of people I was comfortable with, boys. Now, being an adult, I am still atracted to guys, and it is a lonly battle. Over time, I looked at gay **** and fantisized about guys, but never been with one, because I still firmly believe in my christian faith.<br />
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My best advice to you is to find a friend that believes in the same things you do and talk with them. Also, look into your past as far as you can go and see where it all started. It could not hurt to pray as well. (Not to impose on your beliefs of course.) This will help and sorry to say, this will be with you for the rest of your life, but, the trick is to learn to love girls. Its all about the choice you make. YOU can choose not to be gay. Trust me, its hard. REALLY HARD! But possible. It gets better and better every day. Change the perspective in your mind first, then your heart, and then and only then, will start working in your life. I hope this helps all who read this. <br />
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From one secretly gay guy who wants to be streight to another, take care of yourselves. I will pray for you. And, if you do pray, pray for me too.<br />
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This is the bridge guy. your post really help me a lot. But still my wife is not pregnant. I manage to newly set my mind that I'm not a gay. But just like what you said, it will be hard and forever struggle. I guess the bridge can wait for now. thank you very much and God bless.

When I was your age I felt the same, so went to a therapist and received treatment to "make me heterosexual". (at the time it was considered legitimate science) The therapy just put me further back in the closet, and kept my emotions firmly nailed down, lead a “normal” life that I never really enjoyed but never hated. I kept having gay thoughts and getting depressed, some time to the extent of feeling suicidal. After nearly 20 years of marriage (to a great woman) I took up a martial art received my black belt on a training trip to japan. I eventually got to a level where I needed to access my emotions in order improve.<br />
One day I just broke down and cried and admitted to myself that I was gay, not bi but totally gay. The martial art taught me that accepting and dealing with a situation is the most effective way of resolving a difficult situation. <br />
Accepting that I’m gay has lifted a weight of my shoulders. I’m still happily married but we do not have sex. I’ve met some gay friends (just friends) that I can be myself with.<br />
I’ve found letting me be me has brought great joy to my life, but I’m not “out”. There is nothing wrong or right in being who you are. There may or not be a reason why things are the way they are, all we can do is deal the world as we find it.<br />

so i'm on this site because i feel like you, I understand you i am living this life with the same feelings, yet i found that as i am married for 25 years to a woman i have done her no justice, and i have gazed into her eyes and tried to fall completly in love. but atlas i have not been true to her. ending your life would only bring termoil to your family and still it seems like the only way out. for me i do live a double life and try to make a difference in some ones life every day. but i found out by pushing myself to not accept who i am just makes me sad. so i have found others like me who have helped me understand why how what when. seek out some one like you a guy in confusion hate and dispare and you will find that he has the key to your happiness. i have been there and falling in love with a guy who is compatible to you is the same as falling in love with a woman. its a matter of finding the person that completes you. your not alone even though at times it seems that way. i know becasue i have been there.. if i can go back and be your age again i would have come out and lived a happier life. good luck

Please don't hold yourself away from happiness! I understand that you feel that two guys together is weird, but i felt that way at first. if you follow your heart you could be surprised. If you try to analize everything you might go insane. Just follow what feels natural to you. I read this book called Gay, Straight, and the Reason Why: The Science of Sexual Orientation by. Simon LeVay. It really helped me understand my self a little better. I don't know if it would help you, but take a look at it if you want.

You don't know why you're gay? It's because it begins at conception. You are you because you were born into existence. Nothing more. It's about self-happiness once there if you can love what your heart can freely desire, the more you might or will be curious about what it would be like to be with the opposite sex. <br />
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Who knows you might like it, but in your heart to heart to heart the little natural thing that lingers for the desire for the same sex will still be there. <br />
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... You just never know until your try it.<br />
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But don't harm yourself, it's would be just a sloppy end. You deserve a neat end like everyone else does. Though I am sorry you feel like that.

You are very young and sounds like raised ultra consertive, Hope you can out grow your self loathing and learn to be happy with who you are

Finding out the reason how one is born gay will not make any difference... Acceptance of oneself will... It's a long journey one must take... Some found shortcuts... But for most, it's a struggle.... I hope you find inspiration from those who successfully made it....

Hey, man. I really appreciate you sharing this story and pouring out your heart to us.<br />
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It's my opinion that we're either born straight or gay and that's the way God made us. I have accepted who I am in this world. I am a gay man. I tried to live as a married man in a heterosexual relationship for 12 years, but I wasn't being true to myself or my wife. (She has moved on and is remarried now.)<br />
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It's not too much to ask to be happy in life and to fall in love with someone, but you need to stop hating yourself and begin to love who you are. Each person on this earth is a unique human being with a unique personality, appearance, intelligence and life story. (Among other things, of course.)<br />
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I would hope that you can begin to stop over-analyzing everything about your life and live for today. Who knows what ten years or five years, for that matter, will bring. Sure, we all struggle with things -- insecurity, acceptance, spiritual and physical needs, etc..., but we can't let these things defeat us.<br />
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Hopefully, reading more gay experiences here at EP will encourage you.<br />
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Good Luck,<br />