It´s easier to hate than to love

 I went to a party recently, and at some point one of my bestfriends confronted me directly about my sexuality... i just stayed quiet, and didn't say anything until one of them asked me if he could say what he thought about it....i said yes... and then he goes saying why he thought i was bissexual, because of things i once said, and based on my reactions in all things related to this guy i like (he was also in the room) and then my friend asked me if i had a chance with some guy who would it be?... i started laughing, trying to avoid the conversation, like if it was the most stupid thing in the world (althogh i was panicking on the inside), and i said, trying to defend myself, that based on what he just said i would like to be with...(then i said the name of the guy i liked and looked at him). We all started laughing and them my friend that was talking said that even if i was bisexual or gay, he and all my friends would always love me and he would support me no matter what...This broke my heart... i was in that room with all my true friends saying they would support me and decided not to let them know... i changed the subject and the oportunity passed... and after this, the guy i love, which was also there during the whole thing but not talking, decided to avoid me the rest of the night... he was so cold... it was like he didn't know me anymore...

We did not talk for a long time, so i decided that i didn't want to see him anymore, i didn't want his friendship and to be near him again, because he always hurts me, and i knew  that i don´t have a chance, because if i had... he would have talked to me after i nearly came out saying i would choose him.

The thing is, he confuses me... after not talking to me since that night, he called me last week and asked if he could spend the weekend in my house at my university city (i am studyng away from home), because there was going to be a big event  and he wanted to come. I said yes and he came! He spent the entire weekend in my house, sleeping with me in my room! Although nothing happened between us, it was great! And it made realise two things, the first that he is definitely straight and so i don´t have a chance, the second that i can´t stop loving him!

Although i really know i don´t stand a chance, sometimes, when we are together, there are small moments, very brief ones, when we really connect to each other, and in those moments i am shore we are feeling the same for each other. So even if i wanted to, i couldn't break completely from him, because even when i try to do it, somehow i always go back. We are friends...yes... but that's what hurts the most, because i love him so much, and for such a long time now...but i know it will never happen.

The thing is you can not choose not to love somebody... so if you remain friends with the person you love then...that friendship is more of a course than it is a blessing. Sometimes i wonder if he stoped talking to me, if he had started avoiding me for once affter realising that i might have feelings for him, was not better than to be forced to stay in the life of the person you love, but just like a friend... it's easier to hate than to love.

Everytime i stay away from him long enought i gain the distance to actually think about this situation i'm living and to set me in the direction to solve this, to forget i love him, to really acknoledge the fact than we will never be together... but then he always return to my life, and i go all the way back to the illusion that maybe, and just maybe we can have a chance... and then he hurts me again... and the worst part is that he doesn't even realise he is hurting here i am, living this loop of events over and over again, and i can't get over it because...he is my friend!... and as my friend we are in each others lifes! So my point is, does it worth to be in his life just like a friend when i love him?
gutacount gutacount
18-21, M
May 13, 2012