Struggling With Secret Desires And Urges

Hi, im 21yrs old and dealing with a problem that has consumed me for the last 4 years of my life. I would say im a very masculine guy i played football and lacrosse all thru highschool had lots Of guy friends who i hung out with on regular basis i like going out hiking, and doing alot of outdoor activities and all my guy friends look to me for advice about girls which is weird because since the 8th grade and maybe longer found myself attracted to guys and wanting to experiment with them and just going thru the Motion with girls because it seemed easy to understand them on a different level more like friends than really on an intimate level and that is society's norm .But when i would think these thoughts about guys or my friends i would watch things on the internet to make sure i was attracted to girls remember how the kids at school would make fun of kids who even did something slightly feminime and i would do everything in my power to do the opposite to make sure that it never happened to me.It wasnt until i got to the 10 th grade where i met kids at my highschool who were openly gay and didnt care who knew I envied them so bad i had to be around all these macho, masculine guys during practice and be the tough guy everyone knew and joke around and do things that would be "homo-erotic" to anyone who wasnt straight and hide my feelings towards all of it hoping that i didnt go over board or make it to akward by not participating i struggled with it everyday. I had always lied to my friends about all the sex i had and all the girls i had been with because i had been with these girls but the farthest most had gone Were making out or akward 2nd and 3rd base some only getting as far as talking about girl things like other guys they like Or drama they had in their lives. Most girls thought i was just a gentleman or shy but in my mind i hadnt found a girl that I was sexual attracted to. But as all highschoolers do people start talking and telling each other things and rumors spread That i was still a virgin so to prove myself i hooked up with a close friend of mine who i knew liked me more than i liked Her and started dating then when everything seemed like it was going good but i became depressed and struggling even to keep up the charade of being a lady' s man. It wasnt until the following summer that everything started to get better i broke up With my close friend and moved away and started at my new highschool where i meet my friends paul and eduardo. They both went to a neighboring highschool. We would hang out for hours on end getting high watching movies together going through The woods and all the things i liked to do . They didnt seem to care about trying to masculine or macho they just liked Having fun and after eduardo would go home me and paul would sit in his room and listen to music or wrestle until it got too Late or my mom called it became our norm. Then when lacrosse season came around i found myself texting paul before And after practice about how it sucked not being able to hang out as much. That went on til summer before 11 th grade when summer hit we the three of us were joined at the hip we did everthing together we went to partys stayed out all night Would come back to pauls house and fall asleep together eduardo always falling asleep on paul's beanbag and paul and i sharing His bed. We all had hookups with chicks that summer but i always felt like paul and i were just trying to keep things normal with eduardo and our friendship together.The following 2 yrs our friendship grew and everything stayed the same or even better from my perspective i was about to graduate and i was more comfortable and not as self concious. Me paul and eduardo had already planned our summer. I found myself thinking that maybe i didnt like guys i just really needed to find guys i could be more of myself with like listen to taylor swift not and be Judged or wrestle and play around ane not worry how far it goes. Well school ended and it was summer again and eduardo's dad paid for us to go to kings dominion it was the first time i felt free from school social pressure we stayed in a hotel for 3 nights.The first two nights were awesome went the park got drunk had a blast. The 3rd night eduardo went with his girlfriend and left me and paul in the hotel alone we ended up cuddling in our boxers for most of the night. We woke up the next mornong hungover and pretending nothing happened making me feel extremely weird again and like we did something wrong after that night The akwardness set in i had recently got kicked out of my house so he let me move in. After 2 months of living with him and his mom And his brother things were back to normal until one night we had a cigarette on his porch and he said he had something to tell me But he thought it would ruin our friendship. I told him nothing he could say would make me change to him. Then he said i think im gay i stared at him thinking he just said it to see if i was gonna say i was too but then he got serious and said i understand if you dont wanna be friends. After that i told him about my situation and how i didnt know if i was gay or bi or just find guys attractive.We talked about everthing until the sun came up. And a week later is when it happened my first sexual male encounter. We were talking about how long it had been since we hooked up with chicks and i offered him help for the problem we were both having he said how but i could tell he obviously knew. I blindfolded him and started giving him oral sex and ************ when we were finished again we acted like nothing happened. And i didnt know how to feel about what we had done and started to freak out We wanted to talk to someone to figure out what it meant because its not like were little kids playing doctor we were both 18. We finally found an adult to talk to but they were little to no help it only made things worse.

Long story short things got too akward we stopped talking and couldnt explain to eduardowithout him judging why our friendship
wasnt working anymore so i moved out and went back home. After this experience it has made me question myeslf until on where
I stand in sexual orientation and in my life. I went back to being the macho guy and i feel like im lying more now than ever before. I
Tried talking
tony225 tony225
18-21, M
May 14, 2012