I Don't Know

So, am I gay, am I bi, do I just have a periodic attraction to men, I really don't know. I am married to a woman I love, she is a great person; sweet, caring, beautiful inside and out. We have sex, weekly on average. We have an awesome daughter who is eleven and at the top of her class. It is an excellent life, but I find myself unhappy. I see a counselor, but have yet to raise the issue of my male-companionship fetish(?)

As a teen I fantasized about other men, I even went beyond the mere hand jive and experimented in other creative ways, but I can't say I was ever really attracted to any man I knew. Though, attraction to women was very rare as well and two of women I did like turned out to be lesbians after high school.

After High School I dated women, but mostly they were my girl friends and it never worked out. I tried meeting a guy for coffee once, but I just wasn't attracted to him. Around the same time, a guy who was dating a gay friend of one of my girl friends took a liking to me. We would watch movies together and he would score weed for me from his cousin. He asked me to kiss him before leaving his condo one day and it was tempting, but he was still dating our friend and also my folks were getting on my case, telling me, "your not gay, you just haven't found the right woman." This was around 22 or 23.

I moved to a new city and started over. I made a few guy friends fairly quick through a job at a bowling alley. At this point in my life I just wanted to live and any romance was on the back burner. I did a lot of drugs and kept to myself.

Within a year I met my future wife, we had a great deal in common, mostly a love of music. We dated for a year and a half, then I got her pregnant. I loved her, I loved our daughter, I did the right thing and we got married.

To this day, I still enjoy the company of other men, though I have never been physical. From time to time I'll have the passing urge to kiss one of my male friends or hold their hand. Sex with a man seems awkward, but sex with a woman the first time did too (happened when I was 18, my friends basically set me up with an easy score). I don't know if I'm gay, but as gays come out more and more I find myself flirting with them more and more. Sometimes it's other married guys who seem like they are in the same boat as me. I'll try and get up the courage to discuss it with my counselor, but I want to be sure this is the direction I'm heading before I set sail on the journey.
13thgen 13thgen
36-40, M
1 Response Sep 21, 2012

This could have almost been written by me. Likewise, I haven't shared this with counselors, etc. or my wife. I don't think professional therapists know how to handle this (I may be wrong). I've strayed a couple times, but always quit when I think I'm getting close to jeopardizing my marriage.

Thank you for the response. It is good to know there are others out there, well, it's not good as we are living this tumultuous double life, but good to have someone to share with. Just talking about it helps, which is what I get out of my counselors on most issues, someone to share with who won't judge me. I am thinking about talking to my sis as we talk about a great deal of personal issues, but I am not sure I am at that point.

I have yet to stray, but curiousity is getting the best of me. With women it's easy to avoid infidelity, been there done that, but with men it is unknown country for the most part.

I might post more later, but if you ever want to talk, just message me. Thanks again.