Advice Needed!

I guess I'm still in the closet to the outside world but to my family and a close circle of friends I am out to them.

But this isn't really advice on coming out well maybe is is. LOL!!!

My parents know that I'm gay and they do that whole denial thing and they try to act like nothing happened. I know it takes time but I don't want their ignorance and lies. So every time I'm hanging with my friends that are girls my parents think that I like them and well I just tell that I'm gay. They become quiet and not say anything. I am not sure how to make it clear to them. The only options I can think of is waiting for them to come around and ( well this goes along with my coming out to the public plan LOL!) coming out my senior year.

The thing about coming out senior year is that I feel like I'll be forcing them to deal with my crap that comes my community and I don't want them to deal with my problems. I want them to be prepared for it so that they aren't forced into it.

The thing about waiting around for them to accept it is that I don't think they would ever come around or if they did it would be in the moment they are about to die or when I am in my 30's. I want to be able to experience life as being me and not having to hold this image of this person I'm forced to be. I feel like me wanting to be me makes me selfish. I also feel that when I am being forced to be something my parents want me to be makes me feel like they're selfish.

I just want to hear what you guys have to say.
mymalesecret mymalesecret
18-21, M
3 Responses Dec 12, 2012

i know now you feel... i told my mom found out that i was gay. she overreacted. she told me that never to tell my father...i havent. now she acts like nothing happens...ik its on her mine but sne has to get use to it.

Yea that's how I feel. I brought up to my mom 2 days ago and I believe that she is still ignoring it. Well I hope it gets better for you. ^_^

I know how you feel. 12 years ago was my coming out. Except my parents were so totally against it. They wanted me to see a pastor and everything. I looked at it like this. You are who you are. You have to be comfortable with what and who you are to be able to have the strength to come out to the world. My case was that it was easier for me to come out to the world then to my own family. Look at it like this. If your happy with being gay then you should want to tell the world. don't worry about what others things of you or how they feel because they are not the ones that have to walk in your shoes. Be who you are. People will respect you for not pretending to be something your not.

Thank you so much for your advice! BUT I am worried if my family is able to take the pressure and issues from the people around us. I know that I shouldn't care about what people say but in my community social status means a lot to my parents.

I don't care how coming out affects me but I do care if my family can handle the pressure.

I was the same way too! That's alot of pressure for YOU to take on with caring so much about your family. It's a hard spot to be in. but I can tell you, that you can't wait for them to come around. My parents and brothers have known i've been gay for 12 years and I thought the same thing...about waiting for them to get used to it and except it but to this day they still don't agree and they are embarrassed about it and how it makes them look. I guess what i am trying to say..lol which i should be listening close to myself on this as well...is that you are not going to be excepted by everyone. and it really hurts that the closest ones to you are the ones that can't except you for you. Put their feelings aside and just be you. They will have no choice but to acknowledge it in public..but that is their issue not yours. that's something they are gonna have to deal with, not you. Being a mother myself and having to deal and go through the same thing you have gone through makes me who i am today as a mom. It shouldn't matter what your sexuality is. Your their daughter, their family. If you don't have your family supporting you, then you need to reach out to people like me to support you and help you through things like this. It's hard, trust me I KNOW. It has taken my 8 years to stand up to my family so that i could start living MY LIFE and not hiding who I am. I really do wish you the best! Please keep intouch with me and let me know how you are doing :)

Thankyou soooo much for your advice! I will keep intouch ^_^ I hope things get better for you too!!!

Hi, I've got a question to ask.

I have a friend that supports gays and everything but there is one thing that makes me unsure if I should continue to befriends with this person.

Even though she supports gays, the idea of 2 people together that are not of the same gender disgusts her and she feels as if it is wrong. I just want to know if this friend is a "friend" that I should allow to support me.

I understand that everyone has their opinions but I'm just not sure if I could completely trust this friend because she is disgusted by my sexuality and still expect her to support me completely.

I am just not entirely sure if this friend would still be friends with me if she was pressured in a situation with my sexuality.

I know that I shouldn't let my sexuality define me but since I am still in the "closet" I just want to make a strong and trusting supportive "circle.

My friend isn't a bad person or anything, I am just unsure if I should completely trust her.

Speaking of developing a stronger support group, I have came out to a few other friends and they completely support me. LOL!!! MY SUPPORT CIRCLE IS EXPANDING!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for the random question. I just wanted to see what another person thinks about my situation.

It sounds like your friend is not in your corner. Sounds like she would support you behind closed doors because your her friend but out in public it sounds like she would let you handle your own battles instead of backing you up. I say you should stay in touch with her but don't keep her close.

Thanks. I am just wondering if she would really be there for me. I have asked her about it and she said yes. But I know that not everyone sticks to their word. Well I guess I'll just trust but when she's not there for me I'll just have to cut her off. Well thankyou for your advice. ^_^

Your welcome. Your right most people say they will be there for you and understand where you are coming from but in all actuality, they don't. Just be careful. Best of luck! I'm here if you wanna talk. :)

Thanks ^_^

Sorry to bother you but do u think it would be wise to talk to my parents about me coming out to make sure that they know that I am planning on coming out soon?

Sorry to bother you about all this but you are the only adult that I talk to about my "coming out" questions.

I think it would be good for you to come out to people who love you. Just be open minded to what they have to say. Some things might not sit with you well and some will. If your parents understand and except you for coming out they will not give you a hard time about it and they will stand by you. If they don't understand and don't except it then at least you made the first step in "coming out". They might need time to process it all. It's a big thing for someone to take in and except when they don't understand. Your fine with asking me anything. I was in your place years ago and still deal with things like this on a daily basis. I feel like we understand each other in that way :) . I tried to add you to my circle but do not know if i didn't correctly. Anyways, I am here if you need me. If you have a facebook we can become friends if you want. By the way, My name is Stacy.

I have come out to my parents its just that I know they don't accept it. I am planning on talking to them or at least having a BRIEF conversation on me coming out to the extended family. I want to make sure that they know that I am coming out my senior year or maybe earlier and I want them to be ready for it instead of being surprised. I am just not sure if I am in a hurry about all this or if I am making "progress". LOL!!!! I HOPE that I am not putting my family in situations that would harm them.

I would add you but I am still paranoid about my whole closet case coming out too early. I hope you understand.

LOL!!! HAHAAHAHAHAH!!! LMFAO!!!!! My Mom just took a **** on me. My parents were sitting in the living room and I was building up my confidence to tell them that I am going to come out of the closet at the beginning of my senior year BUT as I came downstairs with my outrageous and nervous smile and sat my mom gave me the look. I told I had something to tell them with my smile and she mom interrupted immediately and my dad asked what but I guess he knew right when she stopped him. She told me that she didn't want to hear anything and that she had too much today. I said okay got up as my dad was complaining and walked back up the stairs. As I walked I cried like a ***** in my silence and went to the bathroom. I decided to take a shower to get rid of the **** feeling. My mom came knocking on the door. And well that was my failed attempt at trying to make progress. LOL!!! HHAHAHA!!!! What a fail. I am planning on trying to tell them another time. BUT if they don't want to listen then I am just gonna come out.

Does making my statement like this make me seem like a bad child? Just had this thought while writing this. I think this makes me selfish and needy. Well I hope I'm not. ^_^

lol naw it doesn't...at least you made an attempt. some people don't even get that far. I look at it like this...your parents will deal with what other people think and feel about you coming out the closet on their own. You don't have to worry about them. They can take care of themselves. You just need to focus on your coming out story. How you want it to happen, when, where...you know the basics. You'll be fine. Surround yourself with people that love you and care for you. And if anyone doesn't agree or challenges you about your coming out the closet..then tell them to kick rocks...just that simple...i know...easier said then done but i'm telling you, once you do it your going to feel some much better about yourself and not having the burden of having to keep a secret from everyone about yourself. You will finally be able to BE YOUR SELF! you know what i'm saying? lol You sound like a cool and smart, down to earth dude. That's what I like about your personality. You'll be okay. Trust me. and you will have me if you need any more advice on the matter. Attempt #1....failed but done.. lol now Attempt #2 :)

LOL!!!! HAHAAHH!!! Thanks ^_^
BUT my mom just came into my room and asked but I was still kind of agitated about it and said no. BUT!!!! Then decided to go into their room and tell them. I got crushed again. My mom said that before saying anything, I should be saying things that are "good" for them and "me" LOL!!!! I said that it's about making progress. I then told them that I was gonna come out my senior year or before it. My mom said no and that it's not "good". Well I guess that was my second attempt and it was a FAIL! I guess just one more but if not that then I am coming out. LOL!!!! I hope what I am doing does not pull apart my family. My mom threatened to leave the family when I came out to them. I told her that this was my problem and issue and that my siblings didn't have to deal with my problems. So she shouldn't do that. I don't want an UGLY BACK LASH!!!!!

Wow...well you need to do you..and not worry about others. It's really tuff keeping a secret like that bottled up for awhile. Trust me I know first hand. Just relax...it will all work out. When you come out, that's when you will find who your real family and friends are. When I came out...my family disowned me but the girl I was with, her family excepted me and took me in as their own daughter. So i would say to you...when you come out the closet..be proud of who you are and the step that you are making...it's to better your life not theirs...but i really do wish the best for you. Keep your head high and don't let anyone compromise who you are and what you do.

Thanks!

I am thinking about coming out tomorrow. BUT! I plan to only tell the people when they ask. I do believe this makes me a bit pathetic. Most come out like all the way. I think I may be gradually sliding out instead of just jumping right out. OMFG!!!! Should I so this???? I feel like me doing this is a bit pathetic!!!! Should I just come right out?????? Or should I just be obvious by stating my opinions???? I AM SOOOO CONFUSED ON HOW I SHOULD DO THIS!!!!!! I am just nervous about all the things that could happen to me after I come out and the things that will happen to my family after I just JUMP OUT OF THE CLOSET!!!!!!! T^T~ I assume that if I do this the effect on my family wouldn't be so bad because only the people who ask would know. LOL!!! WOW!!! I'M A FAIL!!!!!! Well now that I think about it things do get around pretty FAST in high school. SO I guess by doing this I wont actually be coming out but people finding out and then ask me and then me just telling them YES I'M GAY. AAAAAAAWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM MAKING THIS SOOOOO COMPLICATED!!!!!!!!!! Did u come out like this?

lol no...well kind of. To some people when they would ask me if i had a boyfriend or a husband, i would correct them and to others i just told them i was gay or talked about my wife. Hey, i look at it this way. they people that are ment to be in your life will stay and not judge you and the others well they can just kick rocks. And as far as your family, you need to stop shielding their feelings and letting your take a back seat. Be proud of who you are. Gay is the new fashion! I not it's hard but its only hard because your putting it that way on yourself. i did the same thing. I used to beat myself up for it and then i made myself feel embarrassed about what i am and who i am but i'm telling you, once i did come out, i was stressfree and so relieved that i did. You should just come out completely. Don't worry about other's feelings. Be who you are and stop pretending to be someone your not. You know? I came out after my highschool years. I was around 18 when i came out. the first girl i was with (which who i am married to now) i used to hide all the time because i was so afraid of what others would think and say. but now i'm proud to hold her hand or kiss her in public. lol we make a joke about it all the time...we tell each other.."hey babe, come give them something to look at lol" and on top of all of it we are a mixed lesbian couple with a mixed 5 year old daughter...so i say come out STRONG!

LOL!!! K ^_^

LOL!! And I came out!!!! I guess not really but when some one asks I'm just gonna tell them I'm gay.

good for you...congrats! you are now OUT THE CLOSET! lol

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!! I'm sooooo GLAD that an out adult was able to give me advice! Thankyou SOOO MUCH!!!!! ^_^

no problem...glad to help...i try to help closet gay and lesbians like you on issues like this since i didn't have anyone to help me and i had to do it on my own. so i'm so happy that you are happy and your out! congrats again!

21 More Responses

Does wanting to be me make me selfish? OR does lying to my parents just to let them believe in what they want to believe in make me selfish?