Stuck In The Closet, And I Can't Get Out!

I don't really know how to start so I'll just go in a weird way......

When I was about 14 I started watching ****, loved it, I found woman attractive and thought everything was great. Out of nowhere I saw a 3-some movie with 2 guys and found myself looking at their dicks more than the girl's ****. I then searched Gay **** and boom [I was even more excited]
Then hell broke lose....back to relationships...

when I was 9, i was a skinny little kid[almost all bone] who got rejected by 2 girls because i was "too bony" so i got fat at age 13...and then was rejected for being "too fat" **** MY LIFE right?....anyway last year i lost 42 lbs... and i wanna lose 20 more to look good. [Or at least for me to be okay with my body.] I've always been attracted to muscles which is why I do want to work out, but somehow i feel nervous and being closeted has made me feel insecure about myself. I have been with 2 girls but it didn't last long and i ended up hurting me and them.

My parents have changed every since we moved from our country to this one =). my mom went from hating gays to having her own gay friends. now my dad he doesn't hate them, but just doesn't like them being around him. My sister who I think knows im gay, made me take a human sexuality class so that i could learn about all types of people. Anyway It helped a lot...but im still scared..I feel alone and lost.

I've always been that guy whose funny and people have always liked me...which is really weird. I can make new friends every day and keep them but I can't be myself... MY TRUE SELF! =(

I also don't get why I'm gay...I don't act feminine, i love to play video games, watch cool tv-shows, and play sports[although im horrible]. I don't mind laughing at my mistakes, just coming out of the closet would ******* kill me. I'm also kinda talkative.. lol..but thats just cuz i love learning about others.

For being a guy who laughs A LOT, im really depressed deep inside. Seeing all my friends with their relationships and me being alone makes me depressed! I have cried cuz i do feel like I'll never find a person i can actually be myself with. Haven't done anything Gay.. [besides looking at gay ****] but I've come to realize that I know I'm gay.

Since im giving my whole story....during high school we had this good looking teacher... just my type.. >..< what was so stupid was the fact that he would always compliment how much I knew although i wasn't trying to show off (i've always been a good student)...this made me more nervous because he would always come from behind while i was writing or doing something and I would be arroused. >..<; Then I decided to do worse, (put the wrong answers to the test), then he said if i needed help. I simply told him, "I didn't like this class anymore" He was a really good teacher and really chill and nice. I just wish I could take those words back.
-This experience has made me self conscious to this day-

I'm scared, alone, and i feel completely helpless =[

Im 18 and a  White Hispanic[Pale white lol]


D4zed D4zed
18-21, M
Dec 14, 2012