I'm A Closeted Gay

First off I apologize for the bad grammar I'm typing this on my cell at work!! I'm a 19 year college student, I come from a really conservative Republican family and a very conservative town in Illinois. I would consider my self very popular "not to sound conceded" I have several friends and would consider my self as a ring leader "in a way"... I'm the typical American "straight" boy I shoot guns"a favorite hobby", played sports"Quarterback/wrestler",play video games, even watch action flix, I even drive a truck, and i hate musicals......But I do have a secrete, I'm GAY "or bi" I'm so confused still lol anyways......the past couple of years I have realized I am attracted to guys almost to the point were it was distracting!! I was a wrestler in high school and I hated when I would have to wrestle someone attractive it was hell it would turn me on, and would make me just sick and I just hated my self for it.....I hate having those thoughts why cant I be normal. coming from a Conservative family I hear lot of "not so much anti gay" but just a lot of gay jokes that make me feel guilty and embarrassed for who I am. for example my brother who is also my twin said to me the other day at dinner "Cory why don't you get a girlfriend? what are ya gay?" and he just laughed jokingly and so did I "trying not to show my embarrassment in front of the family" but deep down I'm saying yes and I'm faced with comments like that often. It frustrates me I even lose sleep thinking about how I could never come out to my vast amount of family and friends!! And what makes it worse I had a couple of girlfriends in which we did have sexual relations but that just never cut it for me I still think about and look at guys. My best friend Alex has no idea I'm attracted to guys "nor does anyone except whoever reads this" and he has no idea I think he is hot as hell, he's got that swimmers body and whenever we go out boating, mostly to hit on chicks "which I'm good at playing along with" unless this girl is a 8 or above the only thing I see his him and those V-line abs.....I just wish I was straight but Im glad i am not the only one in the same boat as I am.
Cory1311 Cory1311
18-21
10 Responses Jan 11, 2013

I am similar with the conservative family issue. I was raised Southern Baptist, live in a very conservative county where gays (not lesbisans = gay is for guys, lesbian is for ladies - sorry just something that really frustrates me when people use term incorrectly saying a homosexual female is gay) are beat up frequently, and I had no homosexual or bisexual friends in the area (still very, very few).

I was first attracted to guys when I was 8 years old (girls at 10), but I didn’t know what it meant until I had “the talk” in 5th grade (10 years old). But because of my very conservative family, I didn’t dare say anything about my attraction to guys. My family always downed (still does) homosexuality as a sin, but yet some of those same people are alcoholics, gamblers, smokers, drug users, and gossipers. It used to be very lonely, depressing, and angering not to have anyone to talk to. Nobody ever knew I wasn’t straight. Just like you, I used to have strong guilt feelings and wishing I was normal. In middle school I was mostly attracted to girls (boobs, even though they were small compared to adults, at the time it was cool) until in 9th grade when I was forced into group sexual activity in the locker room after the football team's practice So then guys became a stronger attraction. After high school it was 50/50 with both genders until I was 24 when I for some reason lost my sexual attraction to females, not by choice like most people want to say. I think it is because of all of the drama/lies my girlfriends did/told I just lost interest. I found guys to be more honest with much less drama, and much easier to relate to. Girls were fun, but there was always something much more appealing about guys.

Some people say sexuality is a choice, I completely disagree because... take you for example, think about what attracts you to a hot girl? now that you have that in your mind, tell me, when did you decide to be attracted to a girl for that particular attribute? I usually give the example of hair color. For guys that like blondes I will ask "why did you choose to like blondes?" Most say either "I didn't" or "because it's hot". If they say "because it's hot", I then ask "why did you choose to think blond hair is hot?" That one always gets them to admit they didn't choose that attraction. The same applies to gender attraction, you didn't choose, you just are.

I have learned to overcome those feelings, although sometimes I do get frustrated with the way things are in society. A resource that may help you take control of your emotions and feelings is the program “Self-Discipline and Emotional Control” by Dr. Tom Miller. I have the audio program (among many) that I listen to in my car. If you ever want to talk to me, just let me know. I don’t get online much, unlike most people. I am busy in real life with my job as a fitness trainer, and being very active and social. However if you ever want to chat, send me a message.

If you check out my profile, you will see even though I am gay, I’m very much into being a guy. I believe a guy should look like one, act like one, etc… I am aggressive and dominant, but I’m not into leather, clubs, etc… So just because someone is gay doesn’t mean they’re girly, or a leather daddy. My point is, don’t feel that if you are bi or gay that you have to act a certain way, just be who you are, be honest with yourself, and DON’T pressure yourself, or beat yourself up.

Category definitions that may help you better determine your sexuality “label”…

Straight = no sexual attraction at all for the same gender.
Bi = sexual attraction in any amount for both genders. Most people will put gender preference with it.
Homosexual (gay/lesbian) = sexual attraction only for the same gender.

I am straight, but that will not stop me from trying to help gay conservatives. After all, Superman defends humans without being one.

To more important matters, I believe that calling those secretly gay "closeted" is an insult because it implies that all homosexuals who keep themselves a secret are complete nobodies. As an alternative, I will say that they are SECRET or ON THE DOWN-LOW.

Furthermore, my Catholic community believes that there is NOTHING WRONG with BEING gay, just ACTING ON THOSE HORMONES is bad, so you don't have to feel bad about yourself.

Finally, (in my opinion) being a secret gay who doesn't act on those hormones is more honorable than being an open one. This is not only since you are trying to resist the hormones, but also because you are acting against many pressures from society.

I'm also a 19 year old college student and soon to be RN. I like manly things also and live in a small town. In my family being gay is unacceptable and my mother always talks about me giving her grandchildren but I can't. This makes me so conflicted because i want nothing more than to be straight have kids and a house with a beautiful wife and my career as a physician. I am depressed and in pain everyday because of what I am. I feel like a failure no matter how much I achieve and don't feel like i could ever be out of the closet. I have dated a couple of times but never sustained a relationship with a girl. I have no clue what to do.

i feel ur pain babe. im gay and play defensive tackle and everyone thinks im straight. i live in pa and im a gun lover lol. im from a very conservative family in pennsylvania and idk what to do

I feel your pain, I am going through some confusion, my family is constantly joking about being gay and instantly crushing any confidence i have in telling them :/ as far as the family thing goes, I have recently realized that I only care that my immediate family is supportive of me. Who gives a **** if your great aunt Gertrud thinks it's wrong, she doesn't have to have sex with you and your boyfriend, and she'll probably die soon anyways :P

broo like our stories are alike im dealing with the same thing here in wisconsin **** ******* sucks man u should deff message me man and we can talk about it

Your story sounds very similar but different. I have an extremely conservative family but I also have a divorced dad who is gay. But I get the girlfriend question a lot and although I don't have v-line abs I'm not bad looking from what I hear and I'm not as popular but Im pretty popular in my opinion... I have This girl that I flirt a lot with and I've stayed the night with her before but it doesn't satisfy me either I really want this foreign guy in my chem class named Kenny... He's so hot, nice body, and really cool and sweet.... if only... :/

Hey! I actually come from a very small town. Although I embody many "gay" stereotypes, I feel your pain. In predominantly Conservative rural areas in the midwest, it seems like everyone wants to put everyone else in a box ("gay", "straight", "masculine", "feminine", etc.) and the expectations that go along with those boxes can really damage one's self-image. As for the family aspect, my grandmother has been standing up at family functions and giving anti-gay, anti-left speeches even after my aunt started bringing her partner to holiday functions. My message to you is that the more you learn about who you are and what you're about, the better it gets. Grandma is getting less preachy every day (even though she does not know that I'm gay, yet). With your best friend situation, I hope that once the circumstances come into the light, he is able to support you without too much of a freakout (my best friend stumbled upon the conclusion at a bad time in his life and ended up breaking off the friendship, which ended up working in both of our favors). Btw, gays that watch musicals and fit similar stereotypes can be fun to have around. The fun part of being part of a minority is that it forces you to diversify and empathize with others, which some people will never have the opportunity (or guts) to do.

I know what it's like. You don't fit the stereotype of gay as they know it. I actually come from a small town (pop. 3000+-). Huge NFL fan (49ers) I know what it's like with the jokes my family does it all the time and I'm not out, but they never stop. I guess it's kind of like you have to be able to laugh at yourself but since they don't know your gay it just builds onto your anxiety of you not knowing if that's all it is.. A joke. Having a single person you can talk to openly about all of this can really help though. I even joined a fraternity in college that's a whole 'nother story though. Send me a message if you want I'm 23 and and the sleepless nights still continue it's 3am and can't sleep hence why I'm on here I'm not saying it doesn't get better cause I told a friend and you have no idea how much better it feels to have that single person to talk to.

Can I just say their is no need to feel ashamed of who you are! There is nothing wrong with being gay or bi!

What exactly are your family like? Do they every say anything bad against gay people apart from the odd joke, becaue my mom and dad joke about me and I don't consider it a problem. I just laugh with them; they are not being predjudice.

Also I would reccomend telling someone you are close to, there is no point in keeping it to yourself, you are only going to hurt others down the years and more importantly yourself! At the end of the day it isn't about what anyone else thinks, or how many friends you have, its about being honest with yourself and being truthful to everyone else around you about who you are.

I respect the fact that you feel uncomfortable about it, but you are never going to understand your own feelings until you learn to except it yourself and understand your feelings fully.

Also you may like the more manly things in life, but that doesn't define who you are; what defines us as people is the decisions we make and you will have a lot of them to make in the future by the sounds of it. People will respect you more (well at least they will if they really care/love you) if you be honest about who you are and what you stand for and it they don't then those people are not worth it (that even includes family).

Just be true to yourself and then you can be true to others.