20-Year Old, My Story

I am a 20-year old male, who is going through a phase of confusion in my sexual orientation and having the desire to explore. Of course, this is not the first time. Since 11, I first noticed that something was different for me - I felt I was more mature than other guys and did not like to hang out as much as others did, and also I had an interest in guys - but I just hoped that it would be a temporary thing that some teenagers went through in their adolescence.

High school was not so hard, because I did not care that much. My parents would tell me not to date a girl until I go to university (funny that they are telling me not to date a girl until I get a university degree). Out of my will, I never dated, partly because I did not have strong interests in girls and guys were out of my consideration. I focused my attention in academics and extracurricular activities and overall, I had a great time in high school. I fitted in with a great group of friends and I had a good reputation of being hardworking and one of top students at school.

I did not have a big problem in my first-year of university either. Everything was different and I did not have time to think about this issue I had. I was more concerned with making a new group of friends and trying to keep up with readings, tests and assignments.

Now that it is 2013, I started thinking about exploring my sexuality. Actually, what led me to think this was after having a good time chatting with a guy online, I was happy and wanted to be with him. Normally, this faded away quickly, but this time, it was so strong I could not sleep well and all I had in my mind was spending more time with this guy. However, he never showed up again and I was disappointed and sad, and my focus turned to deal with this issue I have been having for a long time. I am 20 years old and never had a romantic relationship! I felt like a baby.

From then on, I was determined to find about myself. I wanted to find out whether I am truly gay or bi or straight. I have begun watching coming out videos, Trevor project videos and many other sources to gain information and sort of predict what would happen if I were to come out to my family and friends. Having been living away from my parents for more than 5 years to study abroad appeared to be a problem in that they would feel betrayed and regret their decision for letting me experience the more open culture. My family is very conservative and close-minded, so I feel dizzy and scared at just the thought of this situation. I am especially worried about my mother's reaction...

Thankfully or not, now that school is busy, I do not have a lot of time to think about this issue. I am fortunate to separate my personal problems from my school work; that is why I am called a good student haha. But my desire to explore this is still there and I want to end torturing myself and being confused for once. I want to be certain about myself and feel confident about it, if that is the way it is. The only thing that is holding me back is how I can do this without anyone finding out about it. I worry that one of my friends would find out about it, and that would spread rumours and I would be labelled as gay no matter how I feel about it...

This is my story so far.
wonderboy1992 wonderboy1992
18-21, M
1 Response Feb 1, 2013