Being Gay...

Hi my names Jon and I am a gay or possibly bi sexual, 16 yr old boy. Going to highschool makes me really really sad and depressed. It's like a form or entity that takes control of me when I enter the school. Seeing all the handsome straight boys, just walking differently, all broadly, not the way women walk, with their arms as legs pulled in close to their centers... And I think it makes them look kinda funny. But the way the straight guys act, and talk... EXPECIALLY seeing them happy, makes me even sadder. Cuz I'm extremely jealous of them. I have against the gay "ways", or just gay ppl in general. I think gays are awesome and strong people. They have to be in able to endure this hard of a life. But anyway, school. And when I see the the girls, the pretty ones, it hurts. Cuz I remember specifically in my past when I was so attracted to them. Now I'm not... And everyday they get even more unnattractive, as this happens, my feelings towards guys increases. Ik there is nothing I can do to stop it. So I try not to pretend to be something I'm not. But somedays when I smoke weed before school, or I'm just in a good mood that day, I'm an extremely bubbly, happy persons, who is really funny, socialable, and smart. That's my amazing true personality that this lifestyle has gifted me. I'm extremely smart. I've figured out how to act, talk, think, and sound the the straightest guy u've ever met. People refer it as being "chill as ****". And ik I can be. I'm real. But anyways, my fact act has built up a reputation for me. A good one. I'm known as that chill *** kid, who always has something witty, smart and funy to say. But until recently... My acts been falling apart as I get gayer... And as I accept myself more. But now I'm starting to feel so much self grief... And regret... And sadness. I separated myself from all my friends I a point where I haven't hung out of my house with anyone for like a couple months now! That's bad for somebody who was as social as I was. It kills me to know and feel about the straight life... I have straight homies that are really awesome and chill... And now I barely look at them when I see them in school. I think I have split personality disorder... Cuz I can be the happiest person one week... Than be the most depressed person ever when I realize that my future will be that of a gay man. Losing his dream if having his own family... Like my parents always say. Idk... I have told anybody I'm gay and nobody in the world has the slightest hint or clue. I even managed to get a girlfriend and I dated her for like 6 months. But the thing is... I would actually LIKE her. I loved kissing her... That always made me feel good...and me and her lost our virginities together. This is why being gay is so upsetting to me... Cuz I was a full blown straight... I even remember m first crush. The feeling was intense... It was love at first sight... Literally like when my friend introduced us the "crush" feeling punched me in the stomach. I have never gotten that feeling over a guy. But I'm still way more turned on by guys than girls. I'm really ******* confused and I needed to vent my sad story to SOMEBODY... I'm absolutely terrified of connecting to some one in real life and telling them I am gay be cuz I do not want to deal with the affects if that... I just need some support/similar stories from other gays that felt this way when they were in highschool. That would help a lot
Scamer676 Scamer676
18-21, M
1 Response Feb 8, 2013

Hey I know I'm not a guy, but I'd really like to talk with you. Can you message me and I can give you my email?

Sure wat would you like to talk about..?

I don't know.. it says you would like support

I'm all good now ! I've truly accepted that I cannot change myself... Therefore in going to become the best of what I can be. Today's new!

Good. I am so happy for you. :)

1 More Response