18 years old have always struggled trying to figure out myself. Most of my adolescence I had the word "straight" labeled into my mind. Throughout my life I have always seemed to be confused, lost, scared, troubled. I am a Christian and I love God. But to know that being a homosexual is deeply prohibited by God really scares me, because I am one :(recently I have came on to someone I was told about. I know he is gay (cold proof) but when I let know that I like him he replys with "I'm not gay I used to have weird thoughts but I'm not". I thought maybe he was saying that because he doesn't find me attractive, idk. I'm tired of being lonely, leaving people questioning to why I haven't went after a girl yet. I'm tired of lying about who I am. I just wanna live In peace for once. Anyway

Thanks to anyone who was listening.
Lostchild18 Lostchild18
22-25, M
6 Responses Jan 27, 2014

Its deffinantly a struggle. It suckes goin through life not knowing who you really are. Or being so scare of who u really are so u try to hide it and pretend to be someone ur not. I dont think alot of people realize how it feels to be so lost in the world and thats why thier so narrow minded about Gays. We'll all work up the courage someday to be who we are but untill then we gotta live life. The rest will fall into place when its time.

you have just described how I feel and a lot of others feel. thankfully you found EP, you have all the support you could want and some. if you wanna talk hmu :)

If God is almighty and allloving, then he created you and accept you for who you are. Love God and your fellow man to the best of your abilities and make the world a better place. Religion/church etc. are worldly interpretations. A lot of harm has been done in the name of God.

If church is important to you, find a congregation that accepts you for who you are. Only then will you find peace. I wish you all the best.

I don't want to get in to discussions on whether a religion is correct or not, any more than a discussion on whether it is right or wrong to be gay.

The problem here is your comment on being 'tired', Any one holding back themselves have a huge problem with stress in their lives. The tiredness comes from holding back who you are.

If you read enough stories on EP about people wanting to come out but can't for what ever reason, they all suffer from stress and tiredness.

Obviously, we aren't aware of your family and friends but my advice is to come out as soon as possible. The tiredness will disappear but only you know, what may be replaced by it.

My eldest son new he was gay from the age of around 12 but was too frightened to tell me and i am a bi guy who has never reacted with any homophobia to any of my family or friends. Over the years he became more and more secretive and kept much of his life away from us. He couldn't wait to leave home.

He told us when he was around 21 or 22 and we don't care but those years have left a lasting impression on him and we now rarely hear from him and i can't begin to tell you how much that hurts.

I suffer from loads of stress. It's like if I tell my family who I really am then they would totally shut me out. I hate to say this but being an African American this is not easy. God I hate saying this but it's true. Being gay is not acceptable in my family. Especially since we were all raised Christians. It sucks :/

I don't know what religion you are, but I believe that you are just created like that. Don't be too hard on yourself :)

Thank you. It's just tiring ya know.

So if the Bible says being gay is sinful and that those who choose to be gay are an abomination and that they will go to hell, and if you know that you're gay and that you're a good person and that you never chose to be gay, then you know that at least one major tenant of your religion is wrong.
What else do you think religion might have gotten wrong?
Does anything else seem kind of fantastical or supernatural?

I ask because I can relate to being a gay guy that was raised Christian. It can be very scary because of all the things that you've learned through your family and church about homosexuality.

Unlearning the silliness and untruths that churches often teach can be a long process.

I wish you the best on your journey of self-discovery.


Tenet* My bad.

That is the biggest problem I've had most of my life, trying to figure out who I am and accept it. Thanks for your response

I can so relate to that. I spent years and years trying to figure out who I was. I think part of it is just growing up, but it's compounded when you also have a non-traditional identity or orientation that you have to integrate into your life.

You rock for being open and honest.