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Closeted 18 Y/o

I'm an 18 year old guy and closeted to everyone I know.  I just don't have the balls to tell anyone.  I was raised in a Christian family, so I have their beliefs to worry about.  And I just simply don't trust my friends to think of me the same way.

I honestly don't think my mom would be too surprised, but her reactions to everything are just so unpredictable.  And my dad has made some less than gay-friendly comments in the past, so I'm a bit afraid of that...  My little brother is the worst of them all.  I often overhear him while he's playing Xbox Live, and his insults always revolve around someone being gay, like it makes them a horrible person.  I hate that.

As for my friends, I don't trust that they'd think of me the same way if they knew.  They claim to not be homophobic, but like my brother, a lot of their insults demean somebody by calling them gay in some way.  And I fell in love with one of them during my sophomore year of High School (07-08).  He's basically the ring leader; he pretty much plans all of our social events.  Anyway, during that year, he was depressed about not having a girlfriend.  I was confused about my own sexuality back then, and was kinda "there for him", saying I was sad about not having a girlfriend too, and talking to him about it almost daily.

(I've known since my puberty years that I was attracted to guys, but I always made up excuses for myself like "I'm just comparing myself to other guys" when looking at pr0n or "I must just be into more boyish types of girls" when I imagined being with a guy.  I was basically trying to convince myself I wasn't gay, but deep down I knew.  I thought these feelings would go away if I dated a girl... hence me wanting a girlfriend)

Anyway, I'll save most of the drama of that sophomore year for another story.  I kind of hinted (accidentally) during that time that I had feelings for him, but he still thinks I'm straight.  If he knew I was gay, that whole High School year of me trying to comfort him and whatnot would give him the wrong idea and I think it would freak him out... And with him being the ringleader of our friends, there's no way to avoid him if he didn't accept me.  This whole mess would have been avoided if I had just told them I was gay earlier on in the relationship...

So I'm pretty much alone here.  I'm dying to just come out and be myself but I may just have to wait until I'm done with college and move away from here and leave these people behind.  I just want to start over and be myself.  I don't want my life to be a secret like this.

deleted deleted 26-30 11 Responses Jun 26, 2009

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This must be incredibly hard for you, although the only answer I can give it that you tell them the truth.

How about sitting this ringleader down and explaining to him your sexuality and tell him that you are not telling him because you like him, but telling him because your his best buddy and that you were there for him and you need to tell someone about your feelings, he may respect it more for your honesty.
If he starts thinking about they way you comforted him before about not having a girlfriend, say to him that you were just there for him as a friend, just like you need him to be now, because he will know himself that it is going to be hard when people start to find out.

Also if he reacts in the wrong way and starts being an idiot, then at least you know that that he isn't a true friend; yes he will probaly tell everyone, but at least you can tell them that you are just being honest about who you are. What can they really say to that? Also their will be people that will except you from your social circle; not everyone has a backward opinion of being gay.

As for your family from what you have said, it looks like telling your mother about it first is the best option. Although your family have strong christian beliefs she will probably be shocked and more then likely won't be best pleased, but she is your mother and should love you for you and not who you are.

There is so many things I could sit here and write to you and so could everybody else, but this decision has to be made by you and you alone. Knowone is going to be able to force you to decide; I just reccomend following your heart, and I need to ask the question: What is stopping you? Your family? Your friends? I have the answer for you, it's yourself! and my only advice to that is... Just be yourself and people will love you for that reason.

To start off I just want to say I think you're strong for understanding the situation and still being able to hold out, and rather than being frantic you're thinking of the future.

First off I have to admit, as someone who plays games, and having a lot of friends who do, the gay thing with the cussing isn't really meant to be insulting like that. I have gay friends who also end up cursing like that when they play games, but they're out of the closet.

Rather than it being insulting, I think it just wears you down because you're in the closet. Maybe a way to fish out who's really homophobic is to jokingly say "Oh nice one homophobe" in a joking manner. If they try to reel it in and say it's just a figure of speech, or even better, try to explain that's not what they mean, you'll know who wont run screaming if you come out. If they laugh at you or say it's gay and wrong or whatever, you better clear them out of your list of confessionals.

I never question about myself. but there're two questions that always haunt my mind whenever I have an awkward crush for some guy... (1) is he straight? (2) is he interested in me? I know that one day when he found out about me... and looking back at how things went between, I fear that he would freak out.... and I was like the crazy one who'd been crushing on him all the time... I feel lonely in the road too, but now I just have to go on with the idea... it's just an awkward crush, hopefully it would clear my mind... and yours... Cheer up, time will fill up your loneliness soon. hope you go find the one.

I never question about myself. but there're two questions that always haunt my mind whenever I have an awkward crush for some guy... (1) is he straight? (2) is he interested in me? I know that one day when he found out about me... and looking back at how things went between, I fear that he would freak out.... and I was like the crazy one who'd been crushing on him all the time... I feel lonely in the road too, but now I just have to go on with the idea... it's just an awkward crush, hopefully it would clear my mind... and yours... Cheer up, time will fill up your loneliness soon. hope you go find the one.

I remember how hard it was when I was a teen. Back then I did not understand I was gay I just knew I was different. It took many years for me to come to terms with my attraction to men. I wish you luck and hope you will be happier once you have told some one who is close and understands. I know how wonderful I felt when I finally told a friend I was gay.

I quite understand how you feel.I am 65 married very happily with Grandchildren.However at boarding school I always fancied other guys and love to look at them on the beach.I have had sex with other guys but that was 45 years ago,but even now I wish I had the courage to do it.

It's hard, isnt it? To tell the people who you love and care about that you are the same type of person that they have been insulting. It hurts so much when my family hates and disgusts the other side of me that i've been desperately trying to hide. I had thought the same, leaving all behind and starting a new life somewhere else, but I couldn't bring myself to sever the bond. After all they are the most precious to me. Moms are always caring and loving. I believe if you come out to your mom, she'll acccept you. She "won't put you out in the morning like an empty bottle".

you are who you are... God does not make mistakes and just know that if that people don't accept you 4 who you are then they do not deserve to have you in their lives... When the time is right you will know when to be honest with other people about who you are just make sure you are honest and comfortable with yourself first. I promise you your parents will love you always no matter how pissed you think they may be.... As a mother I can tell you that no matter what I love my son and as long as he is happy and healthy nothing else matters.... Im sure you"re mother feels the same.. just give it time....

there is a social network for guys who are secretly gay or bi or just curious. Most are in the same sitatuion as you or worse, some have girlfriends and wives that they dont want to lose. its www.sgobclub.com and you need an invitation code to join: use 6PWzMUMp

..wow. I will not say I'm not gay or anything (being a girl-lesbian) though I would like to experiment like any other young adult. But the male species I definetly like even though, I havent got a taste in awhile ANYWAY...what i am trying to say is that, tell them when your a little bit older. maybe in your twenties (it seems a bit easier) I love gay guys. they are so funny and i would associate with them better

Presumably your situation is faced by many others of similar proclivities. Looking at your predicament from a distance, yes, I would agree, maintain your own counsel until a little later in life. Having said this, if I had a son or daughter who turned out to be gay, my love for them would not alter and I may even place the blame for their situation onto myself. I am heterosexual and have never had the need to question this but this does not lessen my appreciation of your problem. I wish you success.