Closeted 18 Y/o
I'm an 18 year old guy and closeted to everyone I know. I just don't have the balls to tell anyone. I was raised in a Christian family, so I have their beliefs to worry about. And I just simply don't trust my friends to think of me the same way.
I honestly don't think my mom would be too surprised, but her reactions to everything are just so unpredictable. And my dad has made some less than gay-friendly comments in the past, so I'm a bit afraid of that... My little brother is the worst of them all. I often overhear him while he's playing Xbox Live, and his insults always revolve around someone being gay, like it makes them a horrible person. I hate that.
As for my friends, I don't trust that they'd think of me the same way if they knew. They claim to not be homophobic, but like my brother, a lot of their insults demean somebody by calling them gay in some way. And I fell in love with one of them during my sophomore year of High School (07-08). He's basically the ring leader; he pretty much plans all of our social events. Anyway, during that year, he was depressed about not having a girlfriend. I was confused about my own sexuality back then, and was kinda "there for him", saying I was sad about not having a girlfriend too, and talking to him about it almost daily.
(I've known since my puberty years that I was attracted to guys, but I always made up excuses for myself like "I'm just comparing myself to other guys" when looking at pr0n or "I must just be into more boyish types of girls" when I imagined being with a guy. I was basically trying to convince myself I wasn't gay, but deep down I knew. I thought these feelings would go away if I dated a girl... hence me wanting a girlfriend)
Anyway, I'll save most of the drama of that sophomore year for another story. I kind of hinted (accidentally) during that time that I had feelings for him, but he still thinks I'm straight. If he knew I was gay, that whole High School year of me trying to comfort him and whatnot would give him the wrong idea and I think it would freak him out... And with him being the ringleader of our friends, there's no way to avoid him if he didn't accept me. This whole mess would have been avoided if I had just told them I was gay earlier on in the relationship...
So I'm pretty much alone here. I'm dying to just come out and be myself but I may just have to wait until I'm done with college and move away from here and leave these people behind. I just want to start over and be myself. I don't want my life to be a secret like this.