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Closeted Gay Male. I Hate My Life

I am a 21 year old closeted gay male and nobody knows about my situation. Though being gay, I still walk, talk, look and act just like any straight guy you see out there, probably even more masculine than most. Except my sexual attraction is with the same sex. I'm a straight man stuck in a gay man's body.

Living a double standard life is very hard and depressing. I question myself everyday why and how I turned like this. I hate my life because of my sexuality. It brings me into an emotional roller coaster everytime I think of it. My life now only consists of work and gym time. I rarely go out because I don't have alot of friends. I've lost most of my friends during my depression times when I was in high school. That was the time I confirmed I was really gay. All my friends now are all male and all straight. Straight men my age have only one thing in mind --- women --- so everytime we do go out, it's always hitting on girls are the bar... Don't get me wrong, it's fun and I'm really good at it, but I am just not interested in women at all. I get mixed of emotions when I see my friends with their girlfriends or with girls, hugging and laughing together. I feel sad, angry and depressed inside because it's what I want but I cannot have.

For a 21 year old, I consider myself successful and very mature. I run my own business, I drive a nice car that I paid all by myself, I pay my own bills, I support my parents and I am very independent. People my age envy me and wish they have the work ethics I have. They think that my life is perfect because of what I have and everything I have accomplished, but being a scared "closet gay", they don't know the imprisonment lifestyle I am living. If I was straight, I would say that my life would be perfect, but being gay and in the closet is bringing such a huge negative effect in my life and it's gradually messing me up.

I've always had girlfriends, but I have been single for half a year now. Like any 21 year old, I have a very high sex drive. Being gay, of course, my preference is with a man. Being gay and being in the closet, I do not know any gay friends. My only network is the internet, which, have a very limited number of guys and it seems like all the guys online have had sex with each other already. I've already hooked up with several guys and I really hate doing it. Actually, I despise it. I always judge people and give them a bad "label" for having multiple sexual partners and in this case, I am being a hypocrit because I myself is doing it. I want this to stop. I don't want to have sex with random people. I  I am scared of catching any disease or virus. I want a monogamous relationship.

Ultimately, bottom line, I just want to come out to my family and friends. I want them to know who I really am because I am tired of hiding my real identity. I know they will accept me for who I am, but I am scared. I don't want my siblings to treat me differently especially my brothers. Also my friends. They are all homophobic.

I just want to live freely. I want to be ME. I just wish that if I do come out to people, they will realize that I will still be me and I will not change. I will not turn feminine, I will not start wearing make up, I will still have my manly voice, everything!

It's 3AM on a saturday. I wrote this because I have no one to turn to or to talk to.

royalflush408 royalflush408 18-21, M 132 Responses Nov 29, 2009

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It is hard i know im 35 married with 3 kids i feel alone all the time depressed shamefull for keeping my wife from finding love but i feel my family and friends would abandon me and id loose everything just wish i could free myself without hurting anyone elses feelings:::(

Key question to ask yourself: Did you marry and have children just to hide your sexual preferences? Or did you marry and have children because you wanted that life? If you wanted to be married and have children, it may be that you are bi-sexual and are now feeling the equivalent of "buyer's remorse" If your wife and children can love you as you are and you are willing to embrace what you have instead of seeking what you don't have, then your life will be fulfilled.
This is not much different from a married heterosexual man who starts to dream about life with his high school heartthrob whom he passed by to marry the girl who shared his values and dreams. He becomes depressed thinking about what might have been while ignoring the great life he already has. The problem comes when society tolerates and even accommodates the hetro male and condemns the gay male.

I am a sister of a gay 22 year old brother. He is a great guy and is looking for a relationship. I am on here because I am in need of help finding him a "good" man. It is true that it seems like all the guys seem to have been with each other. I am worried about my brother both mentally and sexually. We should talk.

aww im here for you always im going through the same thing except my psychiatrist says its my ocd mental illnesses im in lasvegas nv my number is 1(702)410-0170 text me anytime you need a friend

your post was from 2009.... how do you feel now?

I'm married, 2 kids, and 3 grandkids. Know one knows and i can only talk to the 1 night stands i find. I'm miserable. I just would like to just talk. If anyones interested leave me a message. Thanks

<p>Listen mate, the sooner you come out and get on with your life the better. The chances are good that your family and friends already know you much better than you think, and are aware of your "secret". Sooner or later you will have to get a girlfriend, just to stop the rumours. This will only add to the stress you could end up feeling. Add to this the knowledge that you will be hurting a very nice girl, who like you deserves to be loved.</p><p>If your friends and family will not accept you for who you are then they are not worth the worry. There are believe me many people, Churches, clubs etc that will. We all only get one shot at life, do not wast it living in fear. You do not have to change your behaviour, just be your self, many gay men prefer butch or masculine guys to screeming queens.</p><p>
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A word of warning though, do not be lured into the gay scene with all it's shallowness, drugs and dangerous sex. Live a good happy life, be a good kind person and believe me you will meet the love of your life one day.</p>

You are not alone. I am 50 yrs old now and have been this way my whole life and I haven't a real friend in the world. I am so lonely. I want some friends so bad... but I *don't* want the "benefits" that are offered on so many of the sites you can go to and try and find "friends".

Do you not think you have wasted enought time? Come out and live!

You shouldn't feel bad about who you are. I am a gay man and i am partially out. I told my mom and my close friends know except my fellow football friends but still don't have the strength to tell my dad. He still thinks Im the straightest guy in the world because girls spend the night at my house. But the bottom line is that I'm in the same boat you are. For some reason lately Ive been very scared to get close to a guy even though I want to to so badly!! I mean being with girls is very easy for me but id rather be with a man.

I hear you! I also went through that as a teenager. I had sex when I was sixteen, and my mom caught us, so my mom was pissed, but my father was happy, because he was always asking about why I didn't have a GF, etc. I liked sex with girls, and I wanted more, but I did not pick up on all this stuff about girls, and "going steady", and proms, and all of that. This was the fifties and early sixties, so you would not even talk about this to anybody, so it was very lonely and hard to deal with.

had this happen to me too help me now!

Brayden and royalflush, it is the same with me too. Not sure what to do or how to do it? I just know it is beaten me down till I barely can breathe. Im 26 years old, nor that I am succumbing to suicidal depression but I am feeling depress about the situation. I feel like if I continue to live my life this way, I will probably end up to that state of depression. MY LIFE=(

You hit the nail right on the head for me, wow! I mean I feel as if we live the same life man, I didn't think anyone else felt this way on this planet. My names Brayden and If you want to talk, just message me!

I wish I could hug you... I am only 15 and yeah I am closeted too and my mom is a homophobe. I just want to tell someone but I can't.

I don't hate gay people, I kind of feel sorry for them..... I'm used to forums where gay people are "biting back" and trying ti JUSTIFY being that way. I must say I ended up here because I was trying to come to terms with gay people, because as a Christian I was trying to figure out how to have sympathy and compassion for gay people.....I'm glad I ended up here, I feel so saddened by you guys circumstances. I mean, I love being a Christian..... I love the change it has brought about in my life. I've learned through my own personal experiences with God that through FAITH we can overcome anything and everything we put our minds to and trust God for. It just takes time and dilligence. Well , I hope and pray that you guys will be able to find your way to the Lord's face and get through your fleshly obstacles, because God does not want you to be enslaved to the desires of your flesh. Be Blessed All as you journey and endeavor not only for Physical freedom, but for more importantly SPIRITUAL FREEDOM. One..... :)

Does one have to be a Christian to have sympathy and compassion for gay people? I am sure there are Muslims and Jews out there who want to have sympathy and compassion for Christians and are saddened because their Higher Power did not see fit to allow their Christian friends to see the light. Perhaps if you walked in the shoes of a gay person for a year you would not have such a hard time finding compassion and sympathy for them. The gay people I know did not choose to be gay, they were born that way. One even chose to lead a celibate life but was nonetheless shunned and turned out of his "christian" church when he came out. I do not think that is the kind of Spiritual Freedom you have in mind.

To answer your question, No you do not have to be a Christian in order to have sympathy for any one..... as a matter of fact you don't have to be any religious follower. Christianity just happens to be MYdoctrine to live by, and I just chose to share with whomever would take notice of my insight that a lot of bad habbits and deep dark issues that were once prevelant in my life, I no longer struggle with and as a result I attribute my overcoming and being victorious in those areas to correct biblical teaching and my FAITH in God to help me to no longer practice those things that were not pleasing in the sight of God, and I know if He did it for me then He would certainly do the same for some one else, that's all. Maybe I said it wrong, I was'nt trying to find sympathy for gay people, what I did'nt agree with was gay people stating it was biblically correct to marry or live as such, I do not believe that, nevertheless that's my opinion. And some gay people get angry when such opinions are shared, and automatically resort to, "Someone is JUDGING them", when all that could be happening is statement of a biblical truth. You have the right to believe whatever and so do I. If I am correct this forum was started by someone who is unhappy either being gay or not being able to expose himself, bondage is bondage whether Spiritual or physical and there is need for freedom. I was just offering insight, as well as going forth with putting to death my own misunderstanding about the mentality of gay people. Whether anyone on here agrees with my opinion or not, it does'nt make me, as I said before I'm glad I came across this site in MY search for understanding of what these people actually "struggle" with, because some are'nt struggling, it is what it is, and still that's their business. But from this point on I do see gays in a different light, it's personal and it is for MY GOOD..... Thanks 0_o

If there is a god that would make a person be born a gay and then send him to Hell because he is honest about who he or she is, then I do not want anything to do with this god. I am religious, but they all have it wrong, we need to stop putting god in our box, Love trumps all and you should be true to yourself, love everyone, do no harm to anyone if possible and god will take care of the rest. Friend, come out to the people you trust and you know they love you and will support you and forget the rest. you will meet a great guy that will love you for who you are and life will be great. Unlike this so call Christian, I don't seek to fill sorry for you being gay, nor do I believe you should spend a second trying to change yourself. God love you as you are and wants you to be that way. Just be yourself and enjoy you life, be happy, it will be gone before you know it.

Well said. After all, one can be a person of faith, and still be gay or lesbian, and many people are!

1 More Response

I'm 58 and in the closet,married w/a daughter

So I am 25 years old and I guess you can say recently graduated from college, and still trying for all sorts of jobs, but back to the point. I am out to my coworkers and family members, and have been. But that moment that you come out, it feels like a burden was relieved from my shoulders, and I enjoy being able to be me and happy. It does suck being single, it makes me feel envious when I see friends in relationships or hear people talk about their relationships. I have been told that my personality screams gay by many people, but most people don't know I am gay, even though I am flamboyant. I also stress that as I get older it may be difficult to find someone, but I look forward to being with someone, because yet again a burden will be removed. But coming out to family and friends can be nerve wracking, but you will feel so much better after it all, and I hope that it goes well for you as it did for me. And some words for everyone out there in the world that sees being lonely as a bad thing, when you do and I say WHEN you do find someone, and you WILL, you will be able to express your love and being to them and be with them in happiness and hopefully "til death do you part". But I want people to be happy whether you are single or not, cherish the moments you are alone, or with someone and always look forward to see what awaits you around the corner. There is someone out there for everyone and when you two find one another, you will be at peace.
Sincerely,
BottledFlame

Am I reading my story, I am 30 years old, I have a nice job, high income . Nice apartment and car. But I am very sad cuz Iam gay. I am not out to my parents. I lost my straight friends because I came out to them, most of my coworkers are married , I have no one to hang with , I became alcoholic as it's an escape from reality , all I want is to live normal like everyone , to have a partner but it seems impossible and the older I get the less chances
I don't want to end up alone but ....

Why are you defining yourself as a gay alcoholic? If you carry that around in your head all day long, that is exactly what you will become. Suggest you focus on one word that will most define who your REALLY are (e.g. HONEST, or KIND, or SOCIAL). Carry that word in your head during all your waking hours and apply it in every situation you encounter. If your word is HONEST, then do not fear telling those you meet that you are a gay person struggling with alcoholism. You don't have to dwell on it. Most people appreciate up front honesty...those who do not are more likely to have even worse skeletons in their closet that they are trying to hide from you.
BTW-unless you are only looking for one-night stands, age has little to do with healthy loving relationships. This is true whether your are straight or gay.

What is it that makes you think you can't have it "all?" In this you obviously enjoy the company of both men and women but not in same sexual ways which you equate as defining you as straight or gay. So what would make you happy?

I actually have never found anyone who sounds as similar to me as the OP does. I am 21, successful, good looking and... Closeted. It's tough. And confusing. I myself hard to have friends because their interests are girls, and yours are about telling them who you really are. I feel horribly alone and like I'm living a lie. The worst part is, my life is nearly perfect. I don't know why I have to ruin it!! I feel like I want to find a guy to run off with and live somewhere else and continue to live my secret, at least it'd be on my terms.

I feel exactly the same!! Wow! Except that I am not tooo keen on coming out as yet :P
Maybe we should have a chat?

This is like reading my life, I relate to this so badly. Especially:

" I get mixed of emotions when I see my friends with their girlfriends or with girls, hugging and laughing together. I feel sad, angry and depressed inside because it's what I want but I cannot have."

I hope by now you've sorted this out since this story was posted in 2009, but if you haven't I completely understand. Being that I'm in almost the exact situation you are/were in, I can't accept the fact that I'm gay. It just makes my whole life a lie.

Thank you for the story, even though this may sound cruel, it fills my heart with joy to see I'm not the only one.

I am a closeted gay man who is 50 years old and I understand the struggles you are going through. It is also hard for me because of the religious issues as well.

Me too! Felt like I was reading my self. I have sexual feelings towards men but have always dreamed of getting married and having children.

I just don't want to follow the wrong path. If anyone has some time to chat that would be much appreciated.

Thank you

I cannot believe that someone of the same age out there is going through the same thing I am going through right now. It's absolutely unbearable. I also don't have gay friends and most of my friends, including my best friend, are homophobic too. I feel you deeply man. I even played sports and went to the gym regularly because I though that these would mask my true nature. I wish I knew the answer to our problem. I am so terrified with the idea of people in my life knowing who I really am. I am actually scared right now as I am typing this because I've become so paranoid and this is the first time I've ever talked about this. Even though I feel so lonely all the time because I don't have anyone to talk to, I am very hopeful that i'll meet the person who can change everything someday. Thank you for your story, It made me feel less alone. Hang in there!

I'm in the same boat as both of you. I hate it so much. I have hope that it will get easier once I'm finally able to accept and love that part of myself, but until then, it's a rough road.

Im not a gay but I feel that you should tells your friends and family. You should also be more outgoing. You go to places like gay bars and placed where gay people normally hang out.

I'm the same age with the same problem.....i wish being gay didn't have to be like this....i don't want to be but I am and I know nobody will accept it

I feel you mate, I'm 21 and in a similar position as you. Thanks to your post, I just saw our situation from the outside and man, it really hurts to read it. I don't know your exact situation, but let me tell you this: You know best that you need to keep this image of your partly false identity for the sake of everybody around you. I have come to accept that this image is a necessity and a part of my character. However I could only accept it by telling someone, by letting someone know that there's more to my character than the outside image. Think about it: If you tell just one person about yourself, someone you'd trust your life with (in this case it's not even a figure of speech) then you'd have one more supporter on your side.
No anonymous people but someone you know. It makes it twice as easy to carry on. This would be my advice, find someone you trust and share your misery.
And should you feel trapped in a dark hole again, feel free to drop me a message. You are not alone in the hole, it's just too dark to see other people stuck in it as well.

well..I'm 44, married with 3 kids. I've lived your life....and still do. I did exactly what I was "supposed to".....I feel your pain, truly.

that's not cool. be honest with yourself and the people you love. stop living a lie. it's worse living a lie than being gay. i don't understand when living a lie ever became acceptable. being gay is completely acceptable. get over yourselves already. poor wife and children.

Its best to come out you're friends and family- as you say you say you have a more straight looking kind it wound be easier for you to be accepted into the community as it will not be so obvious that you are gay! That definitely an advantage that most gay guy don't have. So mocking and teasing part- you can be saved from and it will be much easier for your family to face you- you understand what I'm saying ?

Wow bro I feel like I wrote everything word for word on the dot. Every single thing u mentioned I felt like was coming out of me. Good luck brotha I'm in your exact position.