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Closeted Gay Male. I Hate My Life

I am a 21 year old closeted gay male and nobody knows about my situation. Though being gay, I still walk, talk, look and act just like any straight guy you see out there, probably even more masculine than most. Except my sexual attraction is with the same sex. I'm a straight man stuck in a gay man's body.

Living a double standard life is very hard and depressing. I question myself everyday why and how I turned like this. I hate my life because of my sexuality. It brings me into an emotional roller coaster everytime I think of it. My life now only consists of work and gym time. I rarely go out because I don't have alot of friends. I've lost most of my friends during my depression times when I was in high school. That was the time I confirmed I was really gay. All my friends now are all male and all straight. Straight men my age have only one thing in mind --- women --- so everytime we do go out, it's always hitting on girls are the bar... Don't get me wrong, it's fun and I'm really good at it, but I am just not interested in women at all. I get mixed of emotions when I see my friends with their girlfriends or with girls, hugging and laughing together. I feel sad, angry and depressed inside because it's what I want but I cannot have.

For a 21 year old, I consider myself successful and very mature. I run my own business, I drive a nice car that I paid all by myself, I pay my own bills, I support my parents and I am very independent. People my age envy me and wish they have the work ethics I have. They think that my life is perfect because of what I have and everything I have accomplished, but being a scared "closet gay", they don't know the imprisonment lifestyle I am living. If I was straight, I would say that my life would be perfect, but being gay and in the closet is bringing such a huge negative effect in my life and it's gradually messing me up.

I've always had girlfriends, but I have been single for half a year now. Like any 21 year old, I have a very high sex drive. Being gay, of course, my preference is with a man. Being gay and being in the closet, I do not know any gay friends. My only network is the internet, which, have a very limited number of guys and it seems like all the guys online have had sex with each other already. I've already hooked up with several guys and I really hate doing it. Actually, I despise it. I always judge people and give them a bad "label" for having multiple sexual partners and in this case, I am being a hypocrit because I myself is doing it. I want this to stop. I don't want to have sex with random people. I  I am scared of catching any disease or virus. I want a monogamous relationship.

Ultimately, bottom line, I just want to come out to my family and friends. I want them to know who I really am because I am tired of hiding my real identity. I know they will accept me for who I am, but I am scared. I don't want my siblings to treat me differently especially my brothers. Also my friends. They are all homophobic.

I just want to live freely. I want to be ME. I just wish that if I do come out to people, they will realize that I will still be me and I will not change. I will not turn feminine, I will not start wearing make up, I will still have my manly voice, everything!

It's 3AM on a saturday. I wrote this because I have no one to turn to or to talk to.

royalflush408 royalflush408 18-21, M 143 Responses Nov 29, 2009

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Hey there,
Your a young man and you appear to have a lot going for you. Your family may struggle at first but blood is always thicker than water and they will come around. You have to live your truth and live your life for you. It's really hard at first so I'd suggest support groups in your nearest city. This will get you out of the random hook ups which can be a little shallow. It also keeps you emotionally connected to females and connection with both sexes keeps you well rounded and human. A good face to face support group is healing and will help you to accept you. You might be surprised today that people, many good people judge you by whats in your soul not who you sleep with. I know I only care about your heart, ethics and the manner you treat other people. It's a time in history where being gay is accepted more than ever. If people would hate just because your gay you really really don't want that kind of malicious or ANY malicious person in your life. Good Luck YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. You seem like a kind honest young man just reaching out for help. I wish you the best,

I just turned thirty six. My first sexual experience was with a boy my age in middle school. It went on like that for the next couple I years. I didn't talk to many girls in high school like the other guys did. But it never dawned on me that I was a homosexual. I always thought that some day the right girl would come along and we would fall for eachother. In my mid twenties I started experimenting with sex drugs and around the same time I started having se with women and I loved it. For the following years I had girlfriends, but it was just sex and drugs, nothing romantic. But I was happy. Until the drugs got the better of me. Then I found a kind man who took me in and took care of me. He was a homosexual and we ha sex. There were other men too. I was pretty messed up then. I've slept with a lot I prostitutes. I've never been able to be with a woman except for those years in my mid twenties relationship wise. I'm clean now for a long long time. I've only had paid sex with women since I got sober and I liked it the sex I mean. But socially I Bond with men of course I've never let on about my bisexuality with them. I see all of them getting along with their girlfriends or whomever they are hooking up with and I hate it because I know by now that I can't do that because I'm different. I spent four years at a state university. I was older and successful and I got attention from all of the girls. I could flirt with the best of them and I did just that but I could never make a serious move on a single one of them. I wonder If they wondered but I've never been called out for it because I'm a super hot super straight looking guy. So that worked for me for all the years I went to school. I havnt been with a guy in a very long time and I don't necessarily want to have sexy with a man again because I've become accustomed to having sex with women but I will never be able to be in a relationship with one. Actually I did kin of come out once to some of my friends but they told me that if I wanted to be a gay man around them I couldn't act like a straight man any more so they offered to get me a hooker and I took them up on their offer. So back in the closet I went. Actually I'm not unhappy until just recently because I play I like I'm the studliest straight man on the planet and just due to all the female attention I receive an trust me it's more than most guys receive in a lifetime and it makes me happy. Anyhow I just turned thirty six and and now and only now has it become a problem. I'm just ignoring male sexuality and it's causing problems at work and at home. I'm angry now and I'm afraid that it's all going to come to a head. About a week ago I stopped flirting back with women because I'm tired of pretending to be something that I'm not. Now they're all hurtful and I can't blame them they must all think that I'm some creep whose too good for them or that they're not good enough for me. I don't want to do this any more. I'm probably one of the most classically goo looking men that you will ever meet and these girls who throw themselves at me are super attractive. The main reason I don't come out is because I don't want the girls to stop looking at me the way they do. I realize how selfish that sounds. I don't have a job right now and I've been on multiple interviews but I keep on getting passed up for the job because I'm an emotional wreck inside. I don't want to feel sexuality any more from either men or women right now. An at the same time I refuse to do away with my appearance. I don't know what I'm going to do however I've read the posts on here and I know that first of all us closet homosexuals can get girls and that some of you didn't come out until much later in life. I just want the relationships to heal.
- anonymous

I'm 57, You just wrote my life story. WE WON"T be HAPPY till we get OUT of CLOSET! GOD, put me into a relationship, with a super great GUY! I love him, he's 32. We live apart, He's in Minnesota, I'm in Illinois. I have NO gay friends here. The only ones that I know of , only want SEX, in an ADULT book store. I don't want a DEADLY DISEASE. Just an honest to GOD GAY relationship. CHRISTIAN, FRIEND, PARTNER, LOVER, (lover-not a ****). THE ONLY WAY TO BE HAPPY, is to COME OUT! God love's you, ask him for the strength. GOD BLESS! Rex

I am literally in the same boat. I've realized that I have no need to come out yet, so I'm not going to until I have a reason to. Get a Grindr. Don't put a face pic. Have others send their pic first. Meet people. I will literally filter through a hundred guys to find one that i would want to be friends with, but it's worth it.

I'm 57. I just came out! I told my family. WOW! Does it ever feel good, to get out of that Closet. My family is very supportive. This is the HAPPIEST I've ever been. But, I did it, cause I found someone I want to spend my life with. Took this truck driver a long time to find Him. But, GOD put us together! I'm so very thankful, to the LORD. My life is NOW COMPLETE!

Your life was so much like mine, when I turned 35 I came out to my family, I broke down and cried, after that I moved on, my are supportive but still have that traditional stigma " don't ask don't tell " and no displays sexual affection. If your family turns out to be like mine, start a life in another city.

Dude join the military and claim lives. Done.

I am right there with you man. Most of what you said applies to me as well. You're not alone. I know that doesn't help much but sometimes it's good to know you aren't the only one out there struggling with these things. I'm your age as well, haven't come out to my family or most of my close friends, and it all really sucks, very much. I think coming out is one of the only ways, or at least a start, to make things better. Unfortunately, this is no where near easy, I'm sure I don't need to tell you that. Coming out can have mostly good outcomes, but like you said, it's the fear of people treating you different or looking at you different that makes it even harder. I think it's of vital importance to be honest with those you love though. You're gonna need their support. Try coming out slowly, one person you trust at a time. It will be hard, but in the long run it will be so worth it. Again, you're not alone. I even need to take my own advice, because I haven't got it figured out at all yet. Best of luck to you man.

I am proud of you. I know I have never met you and most likely we will never meet in person but you are not alone. I am 19, I drive a nice car that's nicer then most of the people I know. I make monthly payments with my paycheck from my own company as well. You are not alone. I am semi- closeted to my freinds and family and I hate the fact that I can't have what my freinds have. You're not alone. I don't like apps like grindr for hookups and I too wish I could have an actual relationship. You are not alone. I can tell you from my own experience after I came out to my freinds, nothing changed. I have many male freinds and they all took the news as somewhat of a surprise but I didnt get the adverse reaction I thought it would. I too, was scared because of how it would effect people's view of me, but it turns out it doesn't. Yes there are homophobes who panic when their leg hairs touch another man, and yes there are parents who throw their kids out or being gay. Unfortunately those extreme stories tend to get the most attention and we feel like that response is normal. It's not. Everyone I've come out to has made me feel like I can truly behave like I really am. When I'm around my freinds who I am out to, I don't speak in a high pitched voice or act real slutty around other guys they just accept me for who I am. If I'm disinterested in a girl that's flirting with me they know and we can laugh it off. It is tough being a gay man. In fact it's tough being anything these days, but the reason I am proud of you is because you know who you are. You aren't influenced by the standard image of a gay man. You don't go around shoving it down people's throats(no pun intended) and you don't deny it to yourself. You are not the status quo and you came out to so many people including myself, and for that I'm proud of you. With my love and regards, nick g.

Hello there .here is James.
Life is very interesting , but Is how you make it is how is going to be , i am latino so I am better talking on the phone or in person , here is my cell 571-839-3024,i will love to here and give you support , I have bean there I done that , well I try it, to please society but society does not give my happiness , i like Men and that dose no change how I am , one thing there I learn in life is , the is impossible to please society, I am full of love and that is what I get from every one else , people they do not like how I am, is better for me to stay o way from them, because god love you in conditional,well I hope you get what I am trying to tell you...
Lot of love James..

I wish you understood how much similarities we both share. Went to school in California graduated highschool and went back to the islands studied liberal asrt and graduated with my associates. Now woeking and making money while supporting my family. Played volleyball in both hs and college. Too many straight friends with girlfrinds and have tried sleeping with randoms, and have totaly regretted each one. Single had multiple gfs and noone knows im gay. Its frustrating that I cannot be myself being that my brother was a footbal star sisters idk how much they would react but yeah. I hope we can talk more..

Just forget the homosexual thing in the same way you would treat any other negative thoughts. Thoughts lead to actions, actions become habits and habits you. From my own experience I would say something I knew in my gut at the beginning. Don't obsess, don't let your thoughts be influenced by gay ideology which is really vice. Humans are flawed but building of your virtues and strengths pushing this aside given time you will see.

This is a essay i wrote last year for school and while it is about same sex marriage i thing it will have some very useful parts to combat people who say being gay is bad.
Same-Sex Marriage
“Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix.” – Leon M. Bazil (the judge for Loving v. Virginia, a famous court case on interracial marriage in 1958). Loving was sentenced to either a year in prison, or to leave the state, for marrying a black woman. Now, in 2014, most of us find the idea to be punished for marrying a person of a different race to be absurd. Today homosexuals share a similar challenge because it is illegal for them to marry in most states. This is due to many different aspects of the topic such as religious beliefs that declare it an abomination. Many also believe that homosexuality is a choice and that marriage is for procreation. Nevertheless, it can be shown that homosexuality is not a sin, and that marriage can be religiously done by homosexuals according to the bible. Also, other scientific research shows that being gay is not a choice. The United States should add an amendment legalizing same-sex marriage nationwide.
According to the New Testament, being gay is not a sin. Most Christians, however, believe in both the New and the Old Testament, and the Old Testament says being gay is a sin. However, the Old Testament also says that you cannot “shave (Leviticus 19:27), eat shelled fish like lobster (Leviticus 11:10), or pork (Leviticus 11:7), or wear cotton/polyester blends (Leviticus 19:19)”, (O’Flaherty). These everyday things were considered sins in the Old Testament, a text written thousands of years ago and translated thousands of times before being written. To regard some of the rules of the Bible and disregard others does not make sense. So, being gay, according to the Old Testament, is considered the same as eating bacon. The New Testament also says two things about homosexuals.
“Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor the effeminate, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Corinthians 6: 9-11). “understanding this, that the law is not laid down for the just but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who strike their fathers and mothers, for murderers, the sexually immoral, men who practice homosexuality, enslavers, liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine, in accordance with the gospel of the glory of the blessed God with which I have been entrusted”, (1 Timothy 9-11).
These are the two biggest verses people quote about homosexuality. These verses show, in the New Testament, that it is a sin to be gay. And churches should not have to marry two people that would defile their holy bond. That would make the church condone this inevitable sin and weaken the meaning of marriage. However, the translation of these two phrases may be incorrect. “The phrase (in 1 Timothy 10) is derived from a single Greek word, arsenokoitai, which is quite rare. In fact, this biblical reference may be the first examples we have of this word being used in the literature of the time.” (Would Jesus Discriminate?). Arsenokoitai translates best to "a man with many beds", which means promiscuity, and in the preceding text we see that sexually immoral men are also sinning directly eluding to someone who has an addiction for sex. If Timothy meant gay he would have used the accepted term back then which was arsenokoitaiarseno, or a man who beds with another man. There is also a mistranslation in the other passage. “There is the reference to ‘effeminate’ persons, which is viewed as a reference to gay men. In truth, the Greek word translated ‘effeminate’ in verse 9 is broad. The original Greek word is malakoi, and it literally means ‘soft’, So Paul is saying ‘soft people’ will not inherit the kingdom of God.” (Would Jesus Discriminate?). People who are morally weak and cannot sustain to the instructions of Paul, in this text, would more likely mean ‘give in to temptation and immorality easy’, not to be gay. To take these verses as meaning gay is incorrect in the most accurate translation. These refutations prove that homosexuality is not a sin and thus homosexuals have no reason to not get married.
Many argue that sexual preference is a choice and can be changed upon will. However there are studies that show otherwise. “Identical twins, who share 100 percent of their genes, show a higher chance of both being gay compared with fraternal twins, who share the same family environment, but only half their genetic code.”, (Bily 21). People who share 100 percent of the same genes have a higher chance of being the same sexuality than those who do not. And both fraternal and identical twins are both raised in almost the exact same environment. This displays a direct correlation between genes and sexual preference regardless of the way you grew up. Even growing up in the same environment, this study shows how genes play a strong role in sexual preference. However, the family environment one grows up in does play a role in how you view, and in turn act. “What you have learned about homosexuality as you were growing up will affect whether you consider engaging in homosexual acts to be desirable or disgusting.”, (Malory). The way we are parented determines many things; including sexual orientation. If parents say terrorists are bad, then to kids they are bad, n if a parent tells Jimmy he should like boys, then he probably will. If bbeing gay is a choice then why would a church have to marry them as they feel it would defile the sacrament of marriage? If they want to get married they just have to choose to be straight like everyone else. In contrast, science shows that being gay is not a choice. Scientists are researching the genes that cause homosexuality. “In 1993, a study published in the Journal of Science showed that families with two homosexual brothers were very likely to have certain genetic markers on a region of the X chromosome known as Xq28. This led to media headlines about the possibility of the existence of a ‘gay gene’” (Malory). The fact that scientists have proven a linkage between genes and homosexuality shows that it is not something that we can just change. We are born with our genes, and some people are born with genes that make them homosexual. From personal experience, I am a heterosexual male, and there is no way that I could possibly lust or romantically love another man. It is who I am as a person and it is how I was born. Who is to say it is any different for homosexuals? So, how can we discriminate and restrict the holy matrimony of two people that cannot choose to love a different way? It is a God given right at birth; otherwise it would be a choice, who you love.
Upon marriage couples are granted certain rights by the government, including; receiving Social Security, Medicare, and disability benefits, visiting your spouse in a hospital intensive care unit, making medical, decisions for your spouse if he or she becomes incapacitated and unable to express wishes for treatment, living in neighborhoods zoned for "families only", and many more benefits. Some argue that same sex couples deserve these rights. “Banning same-sex marriage violates the 14th Amendment to the Constitution. Basically, this Amendment guarantees equal protection to all Americans. Gay supporters claim, not allowing gay couples to marry denies them the protection of federal benefits, which are given freely to married heterosexual couples”, (Nagle 38). Gays are not allowed to receive federal benefits due to inequality in marriage. This directly contradicts the 14th Amendment, and disregards the separation between church and state in America. We are restricting people to be legally recognized as “families” because of the way they love, and that needs to be changed. Others argue that gays cannot uphold marital conditions given by the Bible, like procreation. “Many who are against same sex marriage hold the idea that marriage is for procreation or having babies.” (Nagle 38). The passage referred to Genesis 2:24 which states; “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh (Meaning sex and offspring)”, and two people of the same sex can't have children naturally. The Bible says that part of marriage is sex and having children. Since gays cannot have babies they can’t uphold the values of marriage. Therefore, the church should not have to marry gays. Otherwise the meaning of marriage would fall apart. However, if we look at all the bible says about marriage we can see a different view.
“Ephesians 5:22-33: Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, Hebrews 13:4: Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. 1 Corinthians 7:1-16: But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
In short, marriage according to multiple passages in the bible is not only for; two to become one in the same flesh (procreate), but also to leave their parents (making a new life), to submit to one another (to love and value each other), love your wives; love your husbands (love each other), cleanse by washing with the word (follow Christ), let marriage be held in honor among all (honor each other), don’t have authority of owns body, do not deprive each other (have sex), let marriage bed be undefiled (no adultery, immorality, etc.). all of the points of marriage according to the Bible can be done by homosexuals and since it is not being a sin to be gay, the bible says nothing contrary to homosexual marriage. If anything, restricting love is worse. Gays have the capability of doing everything the Bible says about marriage, unless the argument is made that sex is only for procreation. In which case, if a gay couple were to marry they would probably want to have kids. And they have the probable option to adopt, which has numerous benefits. It helps with overpopulation, and it keeps kids out of orphanages. It is all a general benefactor to society, for gays to get married, and it is all restricted by current day discrimination in the United States.
Throughout the years the United States has gone through a lot of change, diversity, and social acceptance. Today different religious people, African-Americans, and women, have become fully accepted with nearly equal rights. But, some are still being discriminated against, and being denied rights. Homosexuals cannot get married in most states, and this denies them benefits derived from marriage that are given by the government. The reasoning behind the discrimination is that the church should not have to marry gays because of their religion, and because sexuality is a choice. However, nowhere in the bible is homosexuality really a sin. Gays can even carry out everything the bible says marriage is. Science has proven that homosexuality is not a choice, through studies and analysis of pre-natal conditions. So churches have no reason to discriminate against gays besides ignorant intolerance. America should not stand for the type of discrimination that has been taught as extremely unacceptable behavior in the history books. We as citizens of the United States of America should demand that the government create an amendment legalizing same-sex marriage nationwide.


Works Cited

Bily, Cynthia A., ed. Homosexuality Opposing Viewpoints. Farmington Hills, MI: Greenhaven Press,
2009. Print. Opposing viewpoints.
The English Standard Version Bible. New York: Oxford UP, 2009. Print.
Huffingtonpost. N.p., n.d. Web. 9 Mar. 2014. .
Nagle, Jeanne. Same-Sex Marriage :The Debate. New York: Rosen PG, 2010. Print.
Unfollowingjesus. N.p., n.d. Web. 9 Mar. 2014. .
Would Jesus Discriminate? N.p., n.d. Web. 6 Mar. 2014.
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Well written, well researched and a well presented argument.

Science and technology are fast changing the world, it has revolutionised human thought so advanced, old scriptures from the Bible have little or no relevance today, I believe the church has reached it's saturation point and is on a sharp decline, therefore, the present and the eternal present is in our own hands as an out & proud homosexual I create my own paradise.

It is hard i know im 35 married with 3 kids i feel alone all the time depressed shamefull for keeping my wife from finding love but i feel my family and friends would abandon me and id loose everything just wish i could free myself without hurting anyone elses feelings:::(

Key question to ask yourself: Did you marry and have children just to hide your sexual preferences? Or did you marry and have children because you wanted that life? If you wanted to be married and have children, it may be that you are bi-sexual and are now feeling the equivalent of "buyer's remorse" If your wife and children can love you as you are and you are willing to embrace what you have instead of seeking what you don't have, then your life will be fulfilled.
This is not much different from a married heterosexual man who starts to dream about life with his high school heartthrob whom he passed by to marry the girl who shared his values and dreams. He becomes depressed thinking about what might have been while ignoring the great life he already has. The problem comes when society tolerates and even accommodates the hetro male and condemns the gay male.

I am a sister of a gay 22 year old brother. He is a great guy and is looking for a relationship. I am on here because I am in need of help finding him a "good" man. It is true that it seems like all the guys seem to have been with each other. I am worried about my brother both mentally and sexually. We should talk.

aww im here for you always im going through the same thing except my psychiatrist says its my ocd mental illnesses im in lasvegas nv my number is 1(702)410-0170 text me anytime you need a friend

your post was from 2009.... how do you feel now?

I'm married, 2 kids, and 3 grandkids. Know one knows and i can only talk to the 1 night stands i find. I'm miserable. I just would like to just talk. If anyones interested leave me a message. Thanks

CuriousDen, how are you doing now? Happy to talk. Never married but waited till I was 28 to have an experience with another male.

<p>Listen mate, the sooner you come out and get on with your life the better. The chances are good that your family and friends already know you much better than you think, and are aware of your "secret". Sooner or later you will have to get a girlfriend, just to stop the rumours. This will only add to the stress you could end up feeling. Add to this the knowledge that you will be hurting a very nice girl, who like you deserves to be loved.</p><p>If your friends and family will not accept you for who you are then they are not worth the worry. There are believe me many people, Churches, clubs etc that will. We all only get one shot at life, do not wast it living in fear. You do not have to change your behaviour, just be your self, many gay men prefer butch or masculine guys to screeming queens.</p><p>
<br />
A word of warning though, do not be lured into the gay scene with all it's shallowness, drugs and dangerous sex. Live a good happy life, be a good kind person and believe me you will meet the love of your life one day.</p>

You are not alone. I am 50 yrs old now and have been this way my whole life and I haven't a real friend in the world. I am so lonely. I want some friends so bad... but I *don't* want the "benefits" that are offered on so many of the sites you can go to and try and find "friends".

You shouldn't feel bad about who you are. I am a gay man and i am partially out. I told my mom and my close friends know except my fellow football friends but still don't have the strength to tell my dad. He still thinks Im the straightest guy in the world because girls spend the night at my house. But the bottom line is that I'm in the same boat you are. For some reason lately Ive been very scared to get close to a guy even though I want to to so badly!! I mean being with girls is very easy for me but id rather be with a man.

I hear you! I also went through that as a teenager. I had sex when I was sixteen, and my mom caught us, so my mom was pissed, but my father was happy, because he was always asking about why I didn't have a GF, etc. I liked sex with girls, and I wanted more, but I did not pick up on all this stuff about girls, and "going steady", and proms, and all of that. This was the fifties and early sixties, so you would not even talk about this to anybody, so it was very lonely and hard to deal with.

had this happen to me too help me now!

Brayden and royalflush, it is the same with me too. Not sure what to do or how to do it? I just know it is beaten me down till I barely can breathe. Im 26 years old, nor that I am succumbing to suicidal depression but I am feeling depress about the situation. I feel like if I continue to live my life this way, I will probably end up to that state of depression. MY LIFE=(

You hit the nail right on the head for me, wow! I mean I feel as if we live the same life man, I didn't think anyone else felt this way on this planet. My names Brayden and If you want to talk, just message me!

I wish I could hug you... I am only 15 and yeah I am closeted too and my mom is a homophobe. I just want to tell someone but I can't.

I don't hate gay people, I kind of feel sorry for them..... I'm used to forums where gay people are "biting back" and trying ti JUSTIFY being that way. I must say I ended up here because I was trying to come to terms with gay people, because as a Christian I was trying to figure out how to have sympathy and compassion for gay people.....I'm glad I ended up here, I feel so saddened by you guys circumstances. I mean, I love being a Christian..... I love the change it has brought about in my life. I've learned through my own personal experiences with God that through FAITH we can overcome anything and everything we put our minds to and trust God for. It just takes time and dilligence. Well , I hope and pray that you guys will be able to find your way to the Lord's face and get through your fleshly obstacles, because God does not want you to be enslaved to the desires of your flesh. Be Blessed All as you journey and endeavor not only for Physical freedom, but for more importantly SPIRITUAL FREEDOM. One..... :)

Does one have to be a Christian to have sympathy and compassion for gay people? I am sure there are Muslims and Jews out there who want to have sympathy and compassion for Christians and are saddened because their Higher Power did not see fit to allow their Christian friends to see the light. Perhaps if you walked in the shoes of a gay person for a year you would not have such a hard time finding compassion and sympathy for them. The gay people I know did not choose to be gay, they were born that way. One even chose to lead a celibate life but was nonetheless shunned and turned out of his "christian" church when he came out. I do not think that is the kind of Spiritual Freedom you have in mind.

To answer your question, No you do not have to be a Christian in order to have sympathy for any one..... as a matter of fact you don't have to be any religious follower. Christianity just happens to be MYdoctrine to live by, and I just chose to share with whomever would take notice of my insight that a lot of bad habbits and deep dark issues that were once prevelant in my life, I no longer struggle with and as a result I attribute my overcoming and being victorious in those areas to correct biblical teaching and my FAITH in God to help me to no longer practice those things that were not pleasing in the sight of God, and I know if He did it for me then He would certainly do the same for some one else, that's all. Maybe I said it wrong, I was'nt trying to find sympathy for gay people, what I did'nt agree with was gay people stating it was biblically correct to marry or live as such, I do not believe that, nevertheless that's my opinion. And some gay people get angry when such opinions are shared, and automatically resort to, "Someone is JUDGING them", when all that could be happening is statement of a biblical truth. You have the right to believe whatever and so do I. If I am correct this forum was started by someone who is unhappy either being gay or not being able to expose himself, bondage is bondage whether Spiritual or physical and there is need for freedom. I was just offering insight, as well as going forth with putting to death my own misunderstanding about the mentality of gay people. Whether anyone on here agrees with my opinion or not, it does'nt make me, as I said before I'm glad I came across this site in MY search for understanding of what these people actually "struggle" with, because some are'nt struggling, it is what it is, and still that's their business. But from this point on I do see gays in a different light, it's personal and it is for MY GOOD..... Thanks 0_o

If there is a god that would make a person be born a gay and then send him to Hell because he is honest about who he or she is, then I do not want anything to do with this god. I am religious, but they all have it wrong, we need to stop putting god in our box, Love trumps all and you should be true to yourself, love everyone, do no harm to anyone if possible and god will take care of the rest. Friend, come out to the people you trust and you know they love you and will support you and forget the rest. you will meet a great guy that will love you for who you are and life will be great. Unlike this so call Christian, I don't seek to fill sorry for you being gay, nor do I believe you should spend a second trying to change yourself. God love you as you are and wants you to be that way. Just be yourself and enjoy you life, be happy, it will be gone before you know it.

Well said. After all, one can be a person of faith, and still be gay or lesbian, and many people are!

1 More Response

I'm 58 and in the closet,married w/a daughter

So I am 25 years old and I guess you can say recently graduated from college, and still trying for all sorts of jobs, but back to the point. I am out to my coworkers and family members, and have been. But that moment that you come out, it feels like a burden was relieved from my shoulders, and I enjoy being able to be me and happy. It does suck being single, it makes me feel envious when I see friends in relationships or hear people talk about their relationships. I have been told that my personality screams gay by many people, but most people don't know I am gay, even though I am flamboyant. I also stress that as I get older it may be difficult to find someone, but I look forward to being with someone, because yet again a burden will be removed. But coming out to family and friends can be nerve wracking, but you will feel so much better after it all, and I hope that it goes well for you as it did for me. And some words for everyone out there in the world that sees being lonely as a bad thing, when you do and I say WHEN you do find someone, and you WILL, you will be able to express your love and being to them and be with them in happiness and hopefully "til death do you part". But I want people to be happy whether you are single or not, cherish the moments you are alone, or with someone and always look forward to see what awaits you around the corner. There is someone out there for everyone and when you two find one another, you will be at peace.
Sincerely,
BottledFlame

Am I reading my story, I am 30 years old, I have a nice job, high income . Nice apartment and car. But I am very sad cuz Iam gay. I am not out to my parents. I lost my straight friends because I came out to them, most of my coworkers are married , I have no one to hang with , I became alcoholic as it's an escape from reality , all I want is to live normal like everyone , to have a partner but it seems impossible and the older I get the less chances
I don't want to end up alone but ....

Why are you defining yourself as a gay alcoholic? If you carry that around in your head all day long, that is exactly what you will become. Suggest you focus on one word that will most define who your REALLY are (e.g. HONEST, or KIND, or SOCIAL). Carry that word in your head during all your waking hours and apply it in every situation you encounter. If your word is HONEST, then do not fear telling those you meet that you are a gay person struggling with alcoholism. You don't have to dwell on it. Most people appreciate up front honesty...those who do not are more likely to have even worse skeletons in their closet that they are trying to hide from you.
BTW-unless you are only looking for one-night stands, age has little to do with healthy loving relationships. This is true whether your are straight or gay.

What is it that makes you think you can't have it "all?" In this you obviously enjoy the company of both men and women but not in same sexual ways which you equate as defining you as straight or gay. So what would make you happy?

I actually have never found anyone who sounds as similar to me as the OP does. I am 21, successful, good looking and... Closeted. It's tough. And confusing. I myself hard to have friends because their interests are girls, and yours are about telling them who you really are. I feel horribly alone and like I'm living a lie. The worst part is, my life is nearly perfect. I don't know why I have to ruin it!! I feel like I want to find a guy to run off with and live somewhere else and continue to live my secret, at least it'd be on my terms.

I feel exactly the same!! Wow! Except that I am not tooo keen on coming out as yet :P
Maybe we should have a chat?

This is like reading my life, I relate to this so badly. Especially:

" I get mixed of emotions when I see my friends with their girlfriends or with girls, hugging and laughing together. I feel sad, angry and depressed inside because it's what I want but I cannot have."

I hope by now you've sorted this out since this story was posted in 2009, but if you haven't I completely understand. Being that I'm in almost the exact situation you are/were in, I can't accept the fact that I'm gay. It just makes my whole life a lie.

Thank you for the story, even though this may sound cruel, it fills my heart with joy to see I'm not the only one.

I am a closeted gay man who is 50 years old and I understand the struggles you are going through. It is also hard for me because of the religious issues as well.

Me too! Felt like I was reading my self. I have sexual feelings towards men but have always dreamed of getting married and having children.

I just don't want to follow the wrong path. If anyone has some time to chat that would be much appreciated.

Thank you

I cannot believe that someone of the same age out there is going through the same thing I am going through right now. It's absolutely unbearable. I also don't have gay friends and most of my friends, including my best friend, are homophobic too. I feel you deeply man. I even played sports and went to the gym regularly because I though that these would mask my true nature. I wish I knew the answer to our problem. I am so terrified with the idea of people in my life knowing who I really am. I am actually scared right now as I am typing this because I've become so paranoid and this is the first time I've ever talked about this. Even though I feel so lonely all the time because I don't have anyone to talk to, I am very hopeful that i'll meet the person who can change everything someday. Thank you for your story, It made me feel less alone. Hang in there!

I'm in the same boat as both of you. I hate it so much. I have hope that it will get easier once I'm finally able to accept and love that part of myself, but until then, it's a rough road.

Im not a gay but I feel that you should tells your friends and family. You should also be more outgoing. You go to places like gay bars and placed where gay people normally hang out.

I feel you mate, I'm 21 and in a similar position as you. Thanks to your post, I just saw our situation from the outside and man, it really hurts to read it. I don't know your exact situation, but let me tell you this: You know best that you need to keep this image of your partly false identity for the sake of everybody around you. I have come to accept that this image is a necessity and a part of my character. However I could only accept it by telling someone, by letting someone know that there's more to my character than the outside image. Think about it: If you tell just one person about yourself, someone you'd trust your life with (in this case it's not even a figure of speech) then you'd have one more supporter on your side.
No anonymous people but someone you know. It makes it twice as easy to carry on. This would be my advice, find someone you trust and share your misery.
And should you feel trapped in a dark hole again, feel free to drop me a message. You are not alone in the hole, it's just too dark to see other people stuck in it as well.

well..I'm 44, married with 3 kids. I've lived your life....and still do. I did exactly what I was "supposed to".....I feel your pain, truly.

that's not cool. be honest with yourself and the people you love. stop living a lie. it's worse living a lie than being gay. i don't understand when living a lie ever became acceptable. being gay is completely acceptable. get over yourselves already. poor wife and children.

Its best to come out you're friends and family- as you say you say you have a more straight looking kind it wound be easier for you to be accepted into the community as it will not be so obvious that you are gay! That definitely an advantage that most gay guy don't have. So mocking and teasing part- you can be saved from and it will be much easier for your family to face you- you understand what I'm saying ?

Wow bro I feel like I wrote everything word for word on the dot. Every single thing u mentioned I felt like was coming out of me. Good luck brotha I'm in your exact position.

I feel for you. Sigh.

Nwei, drop me a message if u need to talk to someone.


I mighy need one myself :(

Man, I've felt everything you described. The difference between you and me is that almost 2 decades ago, I got married to a woman. I knew society wasn't going to let me go the other way without severe consequences (I was raised in a very hick, small town). Over the years I've sincerely enjoyed my relationship with my wife, but could never deny the other aching half of me. It doesn't go away. I'm a believer, and know God by the unspeakable number of miraculously answered prayers He has answered. He knows our battles...He allowed them to be. I know there's a purpose for it all, and we are not defective, but unique and special. The ignorance of humans is vast, and education and knowledge does not spread fast enough. But one day...we will have the answers.

Until then, I would love to be someone you talk to,...a friend when you need one. If you want to take me up on that, just send me a message. Peace.

that's not cool. be honest with yourself and the people you love. stop living a lie. it's worse living a lie than being gay. i don't understand when living a lie ever became acceptable. being gay is completely acceptable. get over yourselves already. poor wife and children.

What would u do differently if u had to do it over again.That advise would u give to someone....marry and live a hetro life or live a gay life...in light of christianity

I was raised in a Mormon family, and an only child from my parents marriage. My parents divorced when I was three, and I later found out that my father was gay. I wanted more than anything to be true to my faith, get married, and have children. My sexual thoughts were always for men, but I couldn't justify those feelings because my religion teaches that its not OK to act on your same sex feelings. People in authority in my church told me if I would pray and live a good life that I could overcome my feelings. Wrong! I got married after telling my soon to be wife that I had same sex feelings. We had children which I love so much. But the feelings were always there, and I could not change the person that God had created. After seventeen years of anguish of not being true to myself I ended the marriage. It was heartbreaking for my wife and children. I hate that part of it. While I was separated from my wife, I met another man who was also separated from his wife going through the same thing as me. We bonded very quickly, and have now been together for over twenty one years. I can't imagine life without him. You can't change the past, but you can determine your future. Thankfully life for gay people has improved so much! And hopefully the Supreme Court will strike down DOMA so that we can have the same federal rights and protections as straight couples. If this happens, we plan to get married. That would be a glorious day! God bless you to have the courage to be true to yourself, and to celebrate the hard working talented gay man you are!

love

I want to come out so badly too. It's beginning to affect my grades in college the last two semesters. I feel trapped. I don't want to have to hide my feelings for other guys anymore. I can't take it at points. I just want to be myself. I'll still be the guy who is obsessed with anything sports related and enjoys normal college hang-out things liking having a few beers with buddies, its just that I like guys and I want to find that guy who I can connect with, will be always be there for me and I can always turn to. I've only hooked up with one guy and it was not a good experience.. I don't want to do that again I want to be in a steady relationship

u r right but it will never happen it is my real life experience

Come out to ur friends and get their support and then get ur parents one on one, either way is gonna be tough, just be who u are, and good luck to ya

Sigh..It pains me to know that I'm not the only one who's having a hard time dealing it....

we are same but nothing we can do

I hate my life too...

I am sorry. But I have a piece of advice, for you to take or leave. First, a very short story. As a young teen I played around with other boys, mutual ************. As an older teen I had a best friend and we stayed at each others' houses a lot, wrestled in bed, and in got around eventually to mutual ************. I was aware that I was attracted to some boys in junior hi and high school--but I had no idea even at 18 what being gay meant, and I wish I had listened to those signals. I am married, a father and grandfather, and lately I have become aware of what I missed all those years but not recognizing that I was gay--and even in those long ago times, had I come out I might have met someone to love and spend my life with, instead of living a charade. So now the advice COME OUT TO YOUR PARENTS but generally prepare them.... then to friends.... Once you are gay you will find it easier to find other gays like you who are also afraid to come out...

very good sir, u r realistic
i also advise to him that he knew about him very earlier age so dont miss his life

After reading what you said, sounds to me that you have nothing left to lose by coming out. You said you are miserable, depressed, lost all your friends as you avoid them etc. What could be worse than that? If you think coming out is going to make your situation worse you're wrong. You'd be surprised how the people who truly care for you would react. My father was the most homophobic man alive but when he found out I was gay, he suddenly didn't care because he loved me more. You may lose a person here and there who can't accept it, but why would you live a lie just to keep their narrow views happy?
It's time you man up and face who you are instead of being scared and miserable hiding it all from the world. I promise you, when you do come out, initially it will be difficult but you won't regret it in the end I promise.
Also, yes, gay men are promiscuous but not all. It's your choice if you choose to participate in that or not so don't blame others if you do and feel bad about it later, and don't just those promiscuous men who choose to lead their lives that way, as they have the right to be who they are, just like you do. If you are going to participate with that, then enjoy the experience instead of regretting it, otherwise don't do it at all.
All the best with this my friend, I know it's a hard decision to come out but trust me, if you want to be happy in life this is the way to go, living an honest life :)

I would love to read this more when i got the time but right now i cannot.
I am wanting to say one thing Nothing made you into this there has been tests over this subject and nothing came back to be "Something turned or made you into this" if you want to go that way. If you don't then it's still the same your you okay? i know its hard to understand why you want to be like this inside but youll understand over time you gotta be happy being you because this is the way you were born and i am no godly person hell i dont even believe that. But i do believe that you will find someone out there and learn to understand yourself even if it looks very cloudy and very dark. I got someone close to me who is gay he didn't understand himself and he hated being gay because he would get kicked around by other people. But he learned that he was born being gay and well thats who he is. I am a lesbian i still have a hard time but i know i am who i am and nothing is going to change me.

know how you feel can relate to everything you said

Don't you mean you're a gay male stuck in a straight male's body?

Come out to one friend first, and see how they react, then talk to them about it and ask them for advice on it.

They can help you more than we can because we don't know your real situation D8

Good luck ;-

I guess people have already told you to be yourself and dont give a **** to what people say.I just wanna explain the psychological component of homosexuality(I am gay study medecine and play rugby nobody knows it and I dont want it to change!).So just know that our sexual identity is shaped before 6!So this is at the age of 5 to 6 that we boys experience the oedipus complex.According to Freud(father of psy and creator of psychosexual /psychosocial theory) we highly depend on the "presence" of a father we wanna be like him as "good" and "manly" as him so if we have no paternal/male model(violent or "absent" or "pathetic"...) we unconsciously dont wanna be a "men" like dad.But it s not sufficient there are environmental factors too:constant absence of friend,no "manly" routine with father,sexual taboo that fulfil the boy with guilt about (normal) sex...But ANYWAY it is not "CHOOSEN" so this is not your bad DONT be sooo hard with yourself:it just hapened and you didnt do anything.You better learn to know much more about homo the better you know the less you be depressed.Bye and enjoy!

I am a straight female. Perhaps my perspective may help some of you with your pain. First of all, I was born as a high-functioning autistic. I was bullied throughout high school but because of my high IQ, I graduated at the top of my class, and went to a top-tier college on a full tuition scholarship. I had a lot of problems adjusting socially, but I was successful at my career because I was competent and people just wanted me for my skills despite any social inadequacy or quirkiness I had.

I am now older, and I am now fully convinced that ultimately, our responsibility is to work hard to create the best version of ourselves. It is not our job or destiny to be anyone else or to conform to social mores, which are always subject to change or flux. If you look historically, all the people who have made the greatest strides for society have always been labeled insane, weird, trouble makers, social outcasts, etc., in other words, not normal. Yes, it is the abnormal people who are the highest achievers of society, the ones that move everyone else forward, not the ones that want to keep the status quo or be the most popular or socially acceptable. So, if as a gay man or woman, you consider yourself to be abnormal, you are in EXCELLENT, privileged company!

Also, many people underestimate their options. For instance, if you are in a small conservative town and you are not ready to come out of the closet, why not move to a large urban city like New York, San Francisco, Montreal, or Amsterdam for a few months where gays are widely accepted into the mainstream of society? You will find it a lot easier to make real friends, and probably meet a nice partner or two. You can live in this new environment and be as gay as you want, but people in your small home town don't have to know that you are openly gay in your new found city. Experiment in this new town, work on becoming the BEST version of you. I bet you that you will be happier, more successful and confident, with little to no repercussions should you decide to return to your small home town and live a straight existence.
Also, as I straight female, I find gay men among the most loyal, intelligent, and genuine of friends. I can talk to them about anything without sexual connotation or misunderstanding. Many women feel the same as I do. So, when you move to your new experimental city, make some female friends first. You will find the vast majority accepting and wanting to be your friends. You can then find that special gay partner that will make you gloriously happy. But remember, you should invest in all aspects of yourself, including your career, your health, and every other aspect that brings out the BEST new YOU! Good luck!

I am in the same situation, but adding that I am a immigrant in this country. I dont have friends like me. I live with my family, and they don´t know I´m gay. I don´t know what to do. This is really depressive I want to die

I am 22 and my story is very simila and i feel like a completely caged person..i simply i want to be happy and have what everyone else is allowed to have...a healthy relationship.

Dear Royal Flush...

First off let me say that I can totally identify with you...however I am 50. Your story and I match 100%!

Next I'd like to say that you need to "come out" when YOU'RE ready not when everyone else tells you that you need to come out. Pressure from others on coming out is only trouble. You will know when the right time is.

I was born and raised in Los Angels and to a family that was not gay welcoming. I married a woman, had two sons and moved to Colorado when I was 30. I divorced and raised my sons on my own..was a single full time father. I just recently moved to Maryland/DC for work with my company.

Have I been true to myself...yes...I just don't have to "come out" as others think I should. Some people know yes, others don't, that's ok. Why does everyone else have to know that I'm gay? Nothing states that's the way it has to be. I am a very private person and always have been. Why do I need to tell others about being gay when I wont tell them about my finances or what my house payment is or my private sex life.

All this to say that take your time, don't feel pressured and don't put pressure on yourself to "come out.

If you ever need to talk...let me know.

Have a great day!
Jim

Just wait... it gets way worse.Those friends will get married and have families. I had a great group of people I had known for a long time and then it happens. They went on with their lives of kids and family and I of course did not. They have absolutely nothing against me but when people get to this stage: roads split. They have different experiences and priorities than I do. It really flippen sucks to hear them say that even with all struggle having kids will bring they are the best thing ever. All of them say that even the ones with "pain in the ***" teenagers.It is a lonely life filled with chat blogs like this of guys either trying figure themselves out or convince you that you are just "looking at things incorrectly" and its really "great to be this way". I have seen too much of this crap over the years and am calling "bullshit" I am here telling you that, yes, it really sucks so get used to it.Don't go out and off yourself cuz you will miss the "good days" and it is also a terrible thing to do to your family. However, I am hear to tell you to strap in cuz the "it gets better horseshit" is just a plea to keep teens from putting a bullet in their head, which I agree they should not. It might get better at first because you will be "out and free" but reality will creep back to your doorstep. Ask any gay older guy who is now lonely, has no one who really gives a crap about him, or any grandchildren to look forward to. This, unfortunately, is 99% of gay older guys.People here will scream foul and protest that it is not like this.... they are liars,Just strap in dude, the worst it yet to come. I am not a self hater just an honest person brave enough to share some truth.Best of Luck

test

Hey just because your gay doesn't mean your life is a sham. You are the master of your own destiny. I've struggled with knowing who I am too but after coming out to my friends and family my life's been for the better. I have nothing but straight friends too, I have a straight vibe to myself, most people wouldn't know I'm gay unless I tell them, and even then its ones business but my own. Basically what I'm trying to say is don't hide who you are. Be the best you you can be. Those that accept you are the ones that matter the most. I feel as if I can relate to you. If you would like to chat or something feel free to message me.

There comes a time when a MAN must make a decision to either be true to himself or die. And my prayers are that everyone here makes the right decision.

I was there one day. Not knowing if I would wake up the next day, NOT wanting to. Hating every moment awake, hearing the homophobia from friends and family who had no idea that I was struggling for my life on the inside. And then one day I decided to DIE. And that courage to end my own life seemed endless to the point where I didn't care about anything anymore. I had NOTHING to lose. Family didn't matter. Friends didn't matter. Life didn't matter. So I might as well die or LIVE in anyway I so chose. And that's what I did.

I told everybody why I had not had a girlfriend in a long time. Because I was gay. That I was telling them because I had chosen to kill myself. But that I didn't think they were worth my life, and I did NOT care for their opinion, that I was tired of listening to their hatred and homophobia about others. And that they didn't need to reject me because I WAS REJECTING THEM. And so I did.

I now live 3K miles away from my family and have not seen them in 5 years. I met another manly, responsible, caring, and loving guy who this past year became my husband after 4 years of dating. I never thought I could be so happy in my life, EVEN without my family and previous friends. I have made friends who are now brothers and sisters who love me freely from who I am. As for my family? Most of them have come to accept me now. The distance and separation from them have taken care to break down their barriers about who I am. They see that I am still the same guy (actually I'm a better guy who does not hide in fear anymore), and that there's no point in HATING. It doesn't affect me anymore. It seems that my decision to abandon them and their opinions affected them more than it affected me. And I think we are all better for it.

Things will get better... You sound like a great guy. You can go talk to a good therapist.. one that works with gay/bi clients... You can get on any dating site and register without a photo to find a guy that wants a relationship... he may be closeted too - but you can date and eventually come out together... I am a bi/gay man... at 41... still mostly closeted.... you don't want to end up like me... OLD and angry...!! You are soooo young.. you are just now discovering life. You need to hang in there and try and make some friends that are bi or gay - and you will ease into it. Do you live in a big city? If you live in a small town - this may be a little harder... but you can always move if things are not happening for you where you are.... The worst thing you can do is pretend to like girls.. get married.. and decide later that you are totally gay... it ***** up everything!!! Let me know if you ever want to chat!

i am also in the same situation. i want to end my life.

Ending your life is not the answer. Considering that we are all alive, I'd say the probability that life continues is higher than IT not continuing. And whatever problems you face now, may follow you there. Wherever "there" is. Just solve them here. Be honest. Be truthful. Face yourself. Face others. Or not. Hide yourself. Marry a woman. Have a family. Cheat on her on the side with other guys in the same situation. There will always be people living the double life. They are just choices and the hurt and pain following these consequences must be dealt with. But whatever choice you make is better than ending your own life.

I chose to accept myself fully and face those consequences. Lost family, friends, etc. But I'm a happier MAN today for it. Just because you come out doesn't mean you're not a man or masculine anymore. Make the right choice so that you can sleep well at night knowing that life is worth living. And that LIFE is what we MAKE OF IT.

Respect yourself as a person, and those who do not respect you for who or whom you are, have no respect for themselves. You sound like you know that already, it's dealing with those around you. Be safe always.

I'm 23 years old, I'm out of the closet since 21 and my story turned out to be a happy one.
I was in the same situation as some people here. I was closeted throughout my entire life. Not only was I in the closet, but noone ever ever imagined I was gay. I grew in a homophobic environment. My father would say "all gay people are pedophiles". Comments like this by my father and friends destroyed me inside, and only helped me avoiding the issue. I just closed my eyes about being gay, and tried to distract myself with other things life had to offer me (friends, family, good moments).
When I was 21 years old, I enrolled in this interchange college program, and I went studying in Rome, Italy for one year, on my own. In this period I went through a severe depression, because now I lived alone, which gave me more time to think about myself - and soon I wasn't able anymore to keep my mind off of being miserable. And only then I realized that the problem was not only the fear of being rejected by my loved ones: the problem was that I didn't accept myself. I hated being gay. I wanted to be straight. I wanted to be like my friends, get a girlfriend, marry her and start a family with her. I was so blinded with this thought that I was convinced I could never fall in love with a guy, and that my "gayness" was only sexual (in fact, I had never fallen in love before with either boy or girl). I started drinking. I would come home at 4am, completely drunk. Then suicidal thoughts started to come. At first I kept myself from doing it because I didn't want to cause any pain to my parents and friends. But after a while, it didn't matter to me anymore. One night I went to the same old bar I went every night in order to meet an Italian friend of mine (who had become one my best friends). He had gone to the cinema with his girlfriend, and didn't know if he could come, so I started drinking alone, waiting to be stood off by him. When I look back, I think that that night would be the night I would try to commit suicide. However, this friend of mine actually came in the end and saw me as miserable as I was. I told him everything. I can tell you... it was the most relieving sensation in the world. He was very understanding and reacted very well.
From then on, I started telling people. Once you take that weight off your heart, you can't continue lying anymore. I found out that all the people who had made homophobic comments in the past either grew up mentally and accepted me, or loved me so much that the fact of being gay didn't matter at all. After two months of being out of the closet, I found a boyfriend. In a year I told my father, who although is not very comfortable with the situation, has accepted it and has been very supportive. My situation now: I live with my boyfriend, we've been together for 2 years, we have a dog, and we're spending Christmas together at my father's. When I look back, I get chills when I look to where my life was headed, and compare it with that it is now.
I got lucky. Very lucky. Noone rejected me. This could or could not be the case for you. But what you never know is what will your life be in the future. Mine turned out great. I consider myself the happiest man alive. Don't give up on that possibility. I didn't, and it turned out great. It can do the same to you.

I just found your text because I feel about the same. I'm 22 years male and gay, I only have straight friends in real life, some gay friends online..but it really hurts me in thinking in the future, and how empty I feel my life at the moment. It is true that most things my friends talks is about girls, I do too, but I feel like I'm being incorrect...It's 4 am on a sunday here, and I feel so sad when I start thinking about the future. Well, you're not alone...I just wanted to be straight, life would be SO much easier. I could have a girlfriend, maybe marry her, live a happy life, have better communication with my friends, and so on...But i'm confident. I've always been a good guy and inteligent, I'll get a good job, preserve my true friends and, if the destiny choose this way, have a boyfriend and get out of the closet. Then I think i'll be truly happy. One thing is true, I really feel happiness with some of my best friends having good moments, try to meet people with common likings and have some fun ;) (english isn't my native language, sorry for the poor text)

yeah theres a lot of us out there. its tuff to leave that perfect world of being straight behind ay..

Keep your head up bro....You're already independent so you have the platform to create a life for yourself that no one else can dictate

Friend, be proud of yourself, you're and excellent guy, all the people who are writing to you are almost in the same situation, please dont give up, fight everyday, you have a work, you are successful, you're alive and healthy and your family loves you (the most important), you're a lucky guy believe me¡¡.....show to your parents and friends that you're happy and confident and they will understand or respect your life.

Take care friend¡¡

Yes...it is difficult, and unfortunately, it's all up to you to decide that you can't take the closet anymore. When you decide to come out, you will find out who your friends really are..they are the ones that will accept you, no matter what, and they will know you are still you..just with a little more information. If you need a friend or a listening ear, there is always one available here. Until you are ready for the next big step!

I've been experiencing the same situation in life and much worst i am a married man and don't have any friends to tell my problem. there were moments that i hated myself and want to come out. well, i guess you're not alone in this world. someday, somehow, people will understand us especially our family.

Yea it sucks

you're talking? try living in my shoes! i'm 19, and my family and friends hate the term gay, in fact, we don't even speak of it, the mere subject is condemed, and the only time they say gay is when theyre insulting others. im gay, ive known that since i was 5, and im sure they have too, and i reeeally knew i was gay when i hit puberty, and im probably always going to be gay. I never had sex with a girl like everyone around me. And I sure as hell cant have sex with guys. So im stuck all alone. my family would abandon me. my mom would start taking sleeping pills and crying all night. my youngest brother is only 9, so he would be so confused on whats going on. my other brother would hate me cuz he hattttttess **** and he already thinks im gay and so hes always mean to me because of that, the last time i even tried telling my dad he said he prays he dies before he sees me with another man, and my dad has a very weak heart and was already hospitalized before, and my mom is a smoker so she could get a heart attack. im torn. if i b who i am, it would break my family. i love them too much. and besides i have noone to turn to. ive literally never met a person who supports gay ppl, and i dont have the credit to move out and live on my own. i need help

Just be yourself. If other can not handle it they were never your friends anyway.<br />
<br />
Michaek

be brave and strong...

I understand completely, it is even worse for me because I am a born again Christian. Because of my Chistian beliefs I don't even hang around gays. My life is unbearable, I have these feelings, that I made a choice to fight againts. because the church and society says it is wrong. I fear going to hell, but I am in a living hell. The battle raging in my mind, and in my flesh is like some one with drawing from drugs and alcohol together. I have no friend's, and I am not close to my family, I fear rejection and being shuned, and rediculed by my race and the church. I also suffer from PTSD Sexual trauma, from the age of 4 off and on to the age of 21, I was physically, verbally, mentally and sexually abused. I will not commit suicide because I am worth loving and saving. I HAVE FAITH AND TRUST IN JESUS, AND ONLY IN JESUS. Because I have faith, I then have abundant hope. I am a survivor, but I tell you the truth, it has taken a life time to love myself, i also have therapy every tuesday. If you get anything from what I wrote, it is to never give up, trust in yourself, and a higher power. One more thing, there is no shame in reaching out to a therapist, it gives you a chance to talk and let go.

God Loves you for who you are,he made you the way you are. look at the way religion is changing to incorporated gay people

I am gay too and we need to find guys like ourself. I am in the closet too but need another male to get horny with and be a friend too.

I recognise a lot of what youre going through as I am going through the exact same thing. Sure it's super tough and debilitating at times, but you need to put your sanity at first, and reach out and tell someone; a best mate, or someone you fell close to or who you fell would be accepting and supportive of you and of your courage to speak out. <br />
<br />
I did, and I can honestly say it was the best thing I ever did. Everything wont go all fairytale-like, but you'll guaranteed feel better within yourself and ultimately find a better headspace.<br />
<br />
Good luck brother.

I feel you man! I am gay too.<br />
I don't know why because men are rude, mean and unloving. All they want is sex.<br />
I only have a high sex drive every now and then when I want to feel loved.<br />
My parents know, they are not happy but they still love me and support me for my career life! I am a christian, so we take things like this seriously. But who knows, I believe God made us like this for some reason to share his glory!<br />
I am both masculine and feminine. Feminine traits are just caring about what I look like in pubic and then being sensitive. Other than that, masculine.<br />
I don't know if you believe at all, but don't worry, no matter what, God loves you! Jesus died on the cross for your sins and because he loved you so much!

djd you ever come out

Hey. I'm reading this only now, almost 3 years after your original post. I'm feeling the same way. I'm 20, I've the perfect family, I've a potentially bright future but just what's holding me back is my orientation. My family and friends re extremely homophobic to the extent that the likes of Adam lambert cannot be mentioned in front of them. I cannot accept who I am too. My family loves me so much. Why must I be so cruel to them? I'm not sure if I'm making sense but I've been turning to anti depressants which just make my life numb and dull. Sometimes, I turn to alcohol for a little sense of feeling high. I really hate myself

Im not gay, but my best friend is, and she was the same as you.<br />
<br />
Her dad was gay, and when he came out to her family, it hurt her mum alot, so she was always really scared of accepting who she was, because she didn't want her mum to reject her..<br />
<br />
At the end of the day, you have to be honest with who you are, otherwise I honestly, fear for what might come of it..<br />
<br />
Your family, will always love you no matter what.. They're your family.. your blood, I'm not saying they won't be shocked at first, they might even cry.. but ultimately they will accept you :)<br />
<br />
And as for your friends, they may be homophobic now, but if you come out.. it could help them realise that gay isn't bad, it's just different.. But I'm not going to lie to you.. They could react in a way that isn't desirable.. but yknow what, You will see who your true friends are, and if they are that..one minded, then you don't need them..<br />
<br />
I suggest talking to the family member your closest with, and breaking it to them slowly.. It will help to get it off your chest, and you won't feel alone..<br />
<br />
If you ever need to talk or vent, please message me.. I am a great listener and I do this kind of thing for a living :)

Man, I feel like you are me typing this post. I am going through the same exact thing and I feel your pain. Check this out, I will be turning 50 in November and I feelmyself getting really depressed as just a few weeks ago, I realized that I have wasted my whole life living my life as a staright man when actually I am gay. I come from a family that generated from the carribean islands and homosexuality is not really accepted. I had a father (who passed away last year) that was very homophobic BUT when certain family memebers came out my relatives including my Dad had a hard time accepting them but eventually loved them like it was no big deal.

Your story is much like my own, though you are further along than I was at 21 dealing with sexuality. The way I had to do it was slowly withdraw from my "straight world" life while I built a support system via the internet of gay people I found on sites like this.<br />
My only regret in life is that I waited till I was 35 to deal with being gay. <br />
Hugs and you have many in your corner that will help give you support....<br />
<br />
Robert thewalkingguy

You definately are not alone. I am 34 almost 35 and still in the closet. I guess if you can do it, you should come out. I just don't see myself ever doing it unless I meet the right guy and feel safe to do so. My current work and situation would be bad. If the economy was not so bad. I would maybe think of coming out now. But I need my job and have lots of bills. I don't have many friends either and am close to my parents so if lost the few I have it would be devestating. But, hang in there. Come out if you can, and if you can't. Things will one day get better!

You are doing such a nice job in life. However, you're just scared. Don't care what others think. You'll still be you. Just be you is all I can say. Just tell your family and friends. They'll get it.

May you find the TRUE LOVE that will never fade and fill the vacuum in your heart - Jesus Christ. He loves you and will bring you to a place where you will not want. He is the great provider. Be blessed and know Jesus loves you.

Its hard to come out. I was terrified when i finally did. I only told a few friends and eventually it spread around the whole school. I was nervous knowing everybody knew. But to my surprise they didnt really care. My straight male friends understood and accepted me. I felt as if a weight was lifted off of me. Life is hard enough being who you are. Why make it worse by being who you arent. Your family will understand and if they dont they will warm up to it. And your friends arent your friends if they dont accept you for who you are. I wish you the best. I hope you make the right decision for you. And when you do it let me know how it goes. Im here for you.