Closeted Gay Male. I Hate My Life

I want to come out so badly too. It's beginning to affect my grades in college the last two semesters. I feel trapped. I don't want to have to hide my feelings for other guys anymore. I can't take it at points. I just want to be myself. I'll still be the guy who is obsessed with anything sports related and enjoys normal college hang-out things liking having a few beers with buddies, its just that I like guys and I want to find that guy who I can connect with, will be always be there for me and I can always turn to. I've only hooked up with one guy and it was not a good experience.. I don't want to do that again I want to be in a steady relationship

Come out to ur friends and get their support and then get ur parents one on one, either way is gonna be tough, just be who u are, and good luck to ya

Sigh..It pains me to know that I'm not the only one who's having a hard time dealing it....

I hate my life too...

I am sorry. But I have a piece of advice, for you to take or leave. First, a very short story. As a young teen I played around with other boys, mutual ************. As an older teen I had a best friend and we stayed at each others' houses a lot, wrestled in bed, and in got around eventually to mutual ************. I was aware that I was attracted to some boys in junior hi and high school--but I had no idea even at 18 what being gay meant, and I wish I had listened to those signals. I am married, a father and grandfather, and lately I have become aware of what I missed all those years but not recognizing that I was gay--and even in those long ago times, had I come out I might have met someone to love and spend my life with, instead of living a charade. So now the advice COME OUT TO YOUR PARENTS but generally prepare them.... then to friends.... Once you are gay you will find it easier to find other gays like you who are also afraid to come out...

After reading what you said, sounds to me that you have nothing left to lose by coming out. You said you are miserable, depressed, lost all your friends as you avoid them etc. What could be worse than that? If you think coming out is going to make your situation worse you're wrong. You'd be surprised how the people who truly care for you would react. My father was the most homophobic man alive but when he found out I was gay, he suddenly didn't care because he loved me more. You may lose a person here and there who can't accept it, but why would you live a lie just to keep their narrow views happy?
It's time you man up and face who you are instead of being scared and miserable hiding it all from the world. I promise you, when you do come out, initially it will be difficult but you won't regret it in the end I promise.
Also, yes, gay men are promiscuous but not all. It's your choice if you choose to participate in that or not so don't blame others if you do and feel bad about it later, and don't just those promiscuous men who choose to lead their lives that way, as they have the right to be who they are, just like you do. If you are going to participate with that, then enjoy the experience instead of regretting it, otherwise don't do it at all.
All the best with this my friend, I know it's a hard decision to come out but trust me, if you want to be happy in life this is the way to go, living an honest life :)

I would love to read this more when i got the time but right now i cannot.
I am wanting to say one thing Nothing made you into this there has been tests over this subject and nothing came back to be "Something turned or made you into this" if you want to go that way. If you don't then it's still the same your you okay? i know its hard to understand why you want to be like this inside but youll understand over time you gotta be happy being you because this is the way you were born and i am no godly person hell i dont even believe that. But i do believe that you will find someone out there and learn to understand yourself even if it looks very cloudy and very dark. I got someone close to me who is gay he didn't understand himself and he hated being gay because he would get kicked around by other people. But he learned that he was born being gay and well thats who he is. I am a lesbian i still have a hard time but i know i am who i am and nothing is going to change me.

know how you feel can relate to everything you said

Don't you mean you're a gay male stuck in a straight male's body?

Come out to one friend first, and see how they react, then talk to them about it and ask them for advice on it.

They can help you more than we can because we don't know your real situation D8

Good luck ;-

I guess people have already told you to be yourself and dont give a **** to what people say.I just wanna explain the psychological component of homosexuality(I am gay study medecine and play rugby nobody knows it and I dont want it to change!).So just know that our sexual identity is shaped before 6!So this is at the age of 5 to 6 that we boys experience the oedipus complex.According to Freud(father of psy and creator of psychosexual /psychosocial theory) we highly depend on the "presence" of a father we wanna be like him as "good" and "manly" as him so if we have no paternal/male model(violent or "absent" or "pathetic"...) we unconsciously dont wanna be a "men" like dad.But it s not sufficient there are environmental factors too:constant absence of friend,no "manly" routine with father,sexual taboo that fulfil the boy with guilt about (normal) sex...But ANYWAY it is not "CHOOSEN" so this is not your bad DONT be sooo hard with yourself:it just hapened and you didnt do anything.You better learn to know much more about homo the better you know the less you be depressed.Bye and enjoy!

I am a straight female. Perhaps my perspective may help some of you with your pain. First of all, I was born as a high-functioning autistic. I was bullied throughout high school but because of my high IQ, I graduated at the top of my class, and went to a top-tier college on a full tuition scholarship. I had a lot of problems adjusting socially, but I was successful at my career because I was competent and people just wanted me for my skills despite any social inadequacy or quirkiness I had.

I am now older, and I am now fully convinced that ultimately, our responsibility is to work hard to create the best version of ourselves. It is not our job or destiny to be anyone else or to conform to social mores, which are always subject to change or flux. If you look historically, all the people who have made the greatest strides for society have always been labeled insane, weird, trouble makers, social outcasts, etc., in other words, not normal. Yes, it is the abnormal people who are the highest achievers of society, the ones that move everyone else forward, not the ones that want to keep the status quo or be the most popular or socially acceptable. So, if as a gay man or woman, you consider yourself to be abnormal, you are in EXCELLENT, privileged company!

Also, many people underestimate their options. For instance, if you are in a small conservative town and you are not ready to come out of the closet, why not move to a large urban city like New York, San Francisco, Montreal, or Amsterdam for a few months where gays are widely accepted into the mainstream of society? You will find it a lot easier to make real friends, and probably meet a nice partner or two. You can live in this new environment and be as gay as you want, but people in your small home town don't have to know that you are openly gay in your new found city. Experiment in this new town, work on becoming the BEST version of you. I bet you that you will be happier, more successful and confident, with little to no repercussions should you decide to return to your small home town and live a straight existence.
Also, as I straight female, I find gay men among the most loyal, intelligent, and genuine of friends. I can talk to them about anything without sexual connotation or misunderstanding. Many women feel the same as I do. So, when you move to your new experimental city, make some female friends first. You will find the vast majority accepting and wanting to be your friends. You can then find that special gay partner that will make you gloriously happy. But remember, you should invest in all aspects of yourself, including your career, your health, and every other aspect that brings out the BEST new YOU! Good luck!

I am in the same situation, but adding that I am a immigrant in this country. I dont have friends like me. I live with my family, and they don´t know I´m gay. I don´t know what to do. This is really depressive I want to die

I am 22 and my story is very simila and i feel like a completely caged person..i simply i want to be happy and have what everyone else is allowed to have...a healthy relationship.

Dear Royal Flush...

First off let me say that I can totally identify with you...however I am 50. Your story and I match 100%!

Next I'd like to say that you need to "come out" when YOU'RE ready not when everyone else tells you that you need to come out. Pressure from others on coming out is only trouble. You will know when the right time is.

I was born and raised in Los Angels and to a family that was not gay welcoming. I married a woman, had two sons and moved to Colorado when I was 30. I divorced and raised my sons on my own..was a single full time father. I just recently moved to Maryland/DC for work with my company.

Have I been true to myself...yes...I just don't have to "come out" as others think I should. Some people know yes, others don't, that's ok. Why does everyone else have to know that I'm gay? Nothing states that's the way it has to be. I am a very private person and always have been. Why do I need to tell others about being gay when I wont tell them about my finances or what my house payment is or my private sex life.

All this to say that take your time, don't feel pressured and don't put pressure on yourself to "come out.

If you ever need to talk...let me know.

Have a great day!
Jim

Just wait... it gets way worse.Those friends will get married and have families. I had a great group of people I had known for a long time and then it happens. They went on with their lives of kids and family and I of course did not. They have absolutely nothing against me but when people get to this stage: roads split. They have different experiences and priorities than I do. It really flippen sucks to hear them say that even with all struggle having kids will bring they are the best thing ever. All of them say that even the ones with "pain in the ***" teenagers.It is a lonely life filled with chat blogs like this of guys either trying figure themselves out or convince you that you are just "looking at things incorrectly" and its really "great to be this way". I have seen too much of this crap over the years and am calling "bullshit" I am here telling you that, yes, it really sucks so get used to it.Don't go out and off yourself cuz you will miss the "good days" and it is also a terrible thing to do to your family. However, I am hear to tell you to strap in cuz the "it gets better horseshit" is just a plea to keep teens from putting a bullet in their head, which I agree they should not. It might get better at first because you will be "out and free" but reality will creep back to your doorstep. Ask any gay older guy who is now lonely, has no one who really gives a crap about him, or any grandchildren to look forward to. This, unfortunately, is 99% of gay older guys.People here will scream foul and protest that it is not like this.... they are liars,Just strap in dude, the worst it yet to come. I am not a self hater just an honest person brave enough to share some truth.Best of Luck

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Hey just because your gay doesn't mean your life is a sham. You are the master of your own destiny. I've struggled with knowing who I am too but after coming out to my friends and family my life's been for the better. I have nothing but straight friends too, I have a straight vibe to myself, most people wouldn't know I'm gay unless I tell them, and even then its ones business but my own. Basically what I'm trying to say is don't hide who you are. Be the best you you can be. Those that accept you are the ones that matter the most. I feel as if I can relate to you. If you would like to chat or something feel free to message me.

There comes a time when a MAN must make a decision to either be true to himself or die. And my prayers are that everyone here makes the right decision.

I was there one day. Not knowing if I would wake up the next day, NOT wanting to. Hating every moment awake, hearing the homophobia from friends and family who had no idea that I was struggling for my life on the inside. And then one day I decided to DIE. And that courage to end my own life seemed endless to the point where I didn't care about anything anymore. I had NOTHING to lose. Family didn't matter. Friends didn't matter. Life didn't matter. So I might as well die or LIVE in anyway I so chose. And that's what I did.

I told everybody why I had not had a girlfriend in a long time. Because I was gay. That I was telling them because I had chosen to kill myself. But that I didn't think they were worth my life, and I did NOT care for their opinion, that I was tired of listening to their hatred and homophobia about others. And that they didn't need to reject me because I WAS REJECTING THEM. And so I did.

I now live 3K miles away from my family and have not seen them in 5 years. I met another manly, responsible, caring, and loving guy who this past year became my husband after 4 years of dating. I never thought I could be so happy in my life, EVEN without my family and previous friends. I have made friends who are now brothers and sisters who love me freely from who I am. As for my family? Most of them have come to accept me now. The distance and separation from them have taken care to break down their barriers about who I am. They see that I am still the same guy (actually I'm a better guy who does not hide in fear anymore), and that there's no point in HATING. It doesn't affect me anymore. It seems that my decision to abandon them and their opinions affected them more than it affected me. And I think we are all better for it.

Things will get better... You sound like a great guy. You can go talk to a good therapist.. one that works with gay/bi clients... You can get on any dating site and register without a photo to find a guy that wants a relationship... he may be closeted too - but you can date and eventually come out together... I am a bi/gay man... at 41... still mostly closeted.... you don't want to end up like me... OLD and angry...!! You are soooo young.. you are just now discovering life. You need to hang in there and try and make some friends that are bi or gay - and you will ease into it. Do you live in a big city? If you live in a small town - this may be a little harder... but you can always move if things are not happening for you where you are.... The worst thing you can do is pretend to like girls.. get married.. and decide later that you are totally gay... it ***** up everything!!! Let me know if you ever want to chat!

i am also in the same situation. i want to end my life.

Respect yourself as a person, and those who do not respect you for who or whom you are, have no respect for themselves. You sound like you know that already, it's dealing with those around you. Be safe always.

i'm in the same situation... what to do?

I'm 23 years old, I'm out of the closet since 21 and my story turned out to be a happy one.
I was in the same situation as some people here. I was closeted throughout my entire life. Not only was I in the closet, but noone ever ever imagined I was gay. I grew in a homophobic environment. My father would say "all gay people are pedophiles". Comments like this by my father and friends destroyed me inside, and only helped me avoiding the issue. I just closed my eyes about being gay, and tried to distract myself with other things life had to offer me (friends, family, good moments).
When I was 21 years old, I enrolled in this interchange college program, and I went studying in Rome, Italy for one year, on my own. In this period I went through a severe depression, because now I lived alone, which gave me more time to think about myself - and soon I wasn't able anymore to keep my mind off of being miserable. And only then I realized that the problem was not only the fear of being rejected by my loved ones: the problem was that I didn't accept myself. I hated being gay. I wanted to be straight. I wanted to be like my friends, get a girlfriend, marry her and start a family with her. I was so blinded with this thought that I was convinced I could never fall in love with a guy, and that my "gayness" was only sexual (in fact, I had never fallen in love before with either boy or girl). I started drinking. I would come home at 4am, completely drunk. Then suicidal thoughts started to come. At first I kept myself from doing it because I didn't want to cause any pain to my parents and friends. But after a while, it didn't matter to me anymore. One night I went to the same old bar I went every night in order to meet an Italian friend of mine (who had become one my best friends). He had gone to the cinema with his girlfriend, and didn't know if he could come, so I started drinking alone, waiting to be stood off by him. When I look back, I think that that night would be the night I would try to commit suicide. However, this friend of mine actually came in the end and saw me as miserable as I was. I told him everything. I can tell you... it was the most relieving sensation in the world. He was very understanding and reacted very well.
From then on, I started telling people. Once you take that weight off your heart, you can't continue lying anymore. I found out that all the people who had made homophobic comments in the past either grew up mentally and accepted me, or loved me so much that the fact of being gay didn't matter at all. After two months of being out of the closet, I found a boyfriend. In a year I told my father, who although is not very comfortable with the situation, has accepted it and has been very supportive. My situation now: I live with my boyfriend, we've been together for 2 years, we have a dog, and we're spending Christmas together at my father's. When I look back, I get chills when I look to where my life was headed, and compare it with that it is now.
I got lucky. Very lucky. Noone rejected me. This could or could not be the case for you. But what you never know is what will your life be in the future. Mine turned out great. I consider myself the happiest man alive. Don't give up on that possibility. I didn't, and it turned out great. It can do the same to you.

I just found your text because I feel about the same. I'm 22 years male and gay, I only have straight friends in real life, some gay friends online..but it really hurts me in thinking in the future, and how empty I feel my life at the moment. It is true that most things my friends talks is about girls, I do too, but I feel like I'm being incorrect...It's 4 am on a sunday here, and I feel so sad when I start thinking about the future. Well, you're not alone...I just wanted to be straight, life would be SO much easier. I could have a girlfriend, maybe marry her, live a happy life, have better communication with my friends, and so on...But i'm confident. I've always been a good guy and inteligent, I'll get a good job, preserve my true friends and, if the destiny choose this way, have a boyfriend and get out of the closet. Then I think i'll be truly happy. One thing is true, I really feel happiness with some of my best friends having good moments, try to meet people with common likings and have some fun ;) (english isn't my native language, sorry for the poor text)

yeah theres a lot of us out there. its tuff to leave that perfect world of being straight behind ay..

Keep your head up bro....You're already independent so you have the platform to create a life for yourself that no one else can dictate

Friend, be proud of yourself, you're and excellent guy, all the people who are writing to you are almost in the same situation, please dont give up, fight everyday, you have a work, you are successful, you're alive and healthy and your family loves you (the most important), you're a lucky guy believe me¡¡.....show to your parents and friends that you're happy and confident and they will understand or respect your life.

Take care friend¡¡

Yes...it is difficult, and unfortunately, it's all up to you to decide that you can't take the closet anymore. When you decide to come out, you will find out who your friends really are..they are the ones that will accept you, no matter what, and they will know you are still you..just with a little more information. If you need a friend or a listening ear, there is always one available here. Until you are ready for the next big step!

I've been experiencing the same situation in life and much worst i am a married man and don't have any friends to tell my problem. there were moments that i hated myself and want to come out. well, i guess you're not alone in this world. someday, somehow, people will understand us especially our family.

At the top of my profile it clearly says that I am a masculine, straight-acting gay guy. It also says that I am not cissy, feminine,camp or cross-dressing. Nor am I into guys who wear nappies. Not into peeing, pooping and golden showers as sexual activities.

Being gay is one of the most basic things about you. It is up to you who tell and when you decide to tell them. It is also up to you who you share your body, thoughts, feelings and emotions with. Please do not fall into experiencing guilt, fear or shame. Be bold, be proud and be yourself. Good luck with being gay.