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Closeted Gay Male. I Hate My Life

I am a 21 year old closeted gay male and nobody knows about my situation. Though being gay, I still walk, talk, look and act just like any straight guy you see out there, probably even more masculine than most. Except my sexual attraction is with the same sex. I'm a straight man stuck in a gay man's body.

Living a double standard life is very hard and depressing. I question myself everyday why and how I turned like this. I hate my life because of my sexuality. It brings me into an emotional roller coaster everytime I think of it. My life now only consists of work and gym time. I rarely go out because I don't have alot of friends. I've lost most of my friends during my depression times when I was in high school. That was the time I confirmed I was really gay. All my friends now are all male and all straight. Straight men my age have only one thing in mind --- women --- so everytime we do go out, it's always hitting on girls are the bar... Don't get me wrong, it's fun and I'm really good at it, but I am just not interested in women at all. I get mixed of emotions when I see my friends with their girlfriends or with girls, hugging and laughing together. I feel sad, angry and depressed inside because it's what I want but I cannot have.

For a 21 year old, I consider myself successful and very mature. I run my own business, I drive a nice car that I paid all by myself, I pay my own bills, I support my parents and I am very independent. People my age envy me and wish they have the work ethics I have. They think that my life is perfect because of what I have and everything I have accomplished, but being a scared "closet gay", they don't know the imprisonment lifestyle I am living. If I was straight, I would say that my life would be perfect, but being gay and in the closet is bringing such a huge negative effect in my life and it's gradually messing me up.

I've always had girlfriends, but I have been single for half a year now. Like any 21 year old, I have a very high sex drive. Being gay, of course, my preference is with a man. Being gay and being in the closet, I do not know any gay friends. My only network is the internet, which, have a very limited number of guys and it seems like all the guys online have had sex with each other already. I've already hooked up with several guys and I really hate doing it. Actually, I despise it. I always judge people and give them a bad "label" for having multiple sexual partners and in this case, I am being a hypocrit because I myself is doing it. I want this to stop. I don't want to have sex with random people. I  I am scared of catching any disease or virus. I want a monogamous relationship.

Ultimately, bottom line, I just want to come out to my family and friends. I want them to know who I really am because I am tired of hiding my real identity. I know they will accept me for who I am, but I am scared. I don't want my siblings to treat me differently especially my brothers. Also my friends. They are all homophobic.

I just want to live freely. I want to be ME. I just wish that if I do come out to people, they will realize that I will still be me and I will not change. I will not turn feminine, I will not start wearing make up, I will still have my manly voice, everything!

It's 3AM on a saturday. I wrote this because I have no one to turn to or to talk to.

royalflush408 royalflush408 18-21, M 137 Responses Nov 29, 2009

Your Response


I am right there with you man. Most of what you said applies to me as well. You're not alone. I know that doesn't help much but sometimes it's good to know you aren't the only one out there struggling with these things. I'm your age as well, haven't come out to my family or most of my close friends, and it all really sucks, very much. I think coming out is one of the only ways, or at least a start, to make things better. Unfortunately, this is no where near easy, I'm sure I don't need to tell you that. Coming out can have mostly good outcomes, but like you said, it's the fear of people treating you different or looking at you different that makes it even harder. I think it's of vital importance to be honest with those you love though. You're gonna need their support. Try coming out slowly, one person you trust at a time. It will be hard, but in the long run it will be so worth it. Again, you're not alone. I even need to take my own advice, because I haven't got it figured out at all yet. Best of luck to you man.

I am proud of you. I know I have never met you and most likely we will never meet in person but you are not alone. I am 19, I drive a nice car that's nicer then most of the people I know. I make monthly payments with my paycheck from my own company as well. You are not alone. I am semi- closeted to my freinds and family and I hate the fact that I can't have what my freinds have. You're not alone. I don't like apps like grindr for hookups and I too wish I could have an actual relationship. You are not alone. I can tell you from my own experience after I came out to my freinds, nothing changed. I have many male freinds and they all took the news as somewhat of a surprise but I didnt get the adverse reaction I thought it would. I too, was scared because of how it would effect people's view of me, but it turns out it doesn't. Yes there are homophobes who panic when their leg hairs touch another man, and yes there are parents who throw their kids out or being gay. Unfortunately those extreme stories tend to get the most attention and we feel like that response is normal. It's not. Everyone I've come out to has made me feel like I can truly behave like I really am. When I'm around my freinds who I am out to, I don't speak in a high pitched voice or act real slutty around other guys they just accept me for who I am. If I'm disinterested in a girl that's flirting with me they know and we can laugh it off. It is tough being a gay man. In fact it's tough being anything these days, but the reason I am proud of you is because you know who you are. You aren't influenced by the standard image of a gay man. You don't go around shoving it down people's throats(no pun intended) and you don't deny it to yourself. You are not the status quo and you came out to so many people including myself, and for that I'm proud of you. With my love and regards, nick g.

Hello there .here is James.
Life is very interesting , but Is how you make it is how is going to be , i am latino so I am better talking on the phone or in person , here is my cell 571-839-3024,i will love to here and give you support , I have bean there I done that , well I try it, to please society but society does not give my happiness , i like Men and that dose no change how I am , one thing there I learn in life is , the is impossible to please society, I am full of love and that is what I get from every one else , people they do not like how I am, is better for me to stay o way from them, because god love you in conditional,well I hope you get what I am trying to tell you...
Lot of love James..

I wish you understood how much similarities we both share. Went to school in California graduated highschool and went back to the islands studied liberal asrt and graduated with my associates. Now woeking and making money while supporting my family. Played volleyball in both hs and college. Too many straight friends with girlfrinds and have tried sleeping with randoms, and have totaly regretted each one. Single had multiple gfs and noone knows im gay. Its frustrating that I cannot be myself being that my brother was a footbal star sisters idk how much they would react but yeah. I hope we can talk more..

Just forget the homosexual thing in the same way you would treat any other negative thoughts. Thoughts lead to actions, actions become habits and habits you. From my own experience I would say something I knew in my gut at the beginning. Don't obsess, don't let your thoughts be influenced by gay ideology which is really vice. Humans are flawed but building of your virtues and strengths pushing this aside given time you will see.

This is a essay i wrote last year for school and while it is about same sex marriage i thing it will have some very useful parts to combat people who say being gay is bad.
Same-Sex Marriage
“Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix.” – Leon M. Bazil (the judge for Loving v. Virginia, a famous court case on interracial marriage in 1958). Loving was sentenced to either a year in prison, or to leave the state, for marrying a black woman. Now, in 2014, most of us find the idea to be punished for marrying a person of a different race to be absurd. Today homosexuals share a similar challenge because it is illegal for them to marry in most states. This is due to many different aspects of the topic such as religious beliefs that declare it an abomination. Many also believe that homosexuality is a choice and that marriage is for procreation. Nevertheless, it can be shown that homosexuality is not a sin, and that marriage can be religiously done by homosexuals according to the bible. Also, other scientific research shows that being gay is not a choice. The United States should add an amendment legalizing same-sex marriage nationwide.
According to the New Testament, being gay is not a sin. Most Christians, however, believe in both the New and the Old Testament, and the Old Testament says being gay is a sin. However, the Old Testament also says that you cannot “shave (Leviticus 19:27), eat shelled fish like lobster (Leviticus 11:10), or pork (Leviticus 11:7), or wear cotton/polyester blends (Leviticus 19:19)”, (O’Flaherty). These everyday things were considered sins in the Old Testament, a text written thousands of years ago and translated thousands of times before being written. To regard some of the rules of the Bible and disregard others does not make sense. So, being gay, according to the Old Testament, is considered the same as eating bacon. The New Testament also says two things about homosexuals.
“Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor the effeminate, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Corinthians 6: 9-11). “understanding this, that the law is not laid down for the just but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who strike their fathers and mothers, for murderers, the sexually immoral, men who practice homosexuality, enslavers, liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine, in accordance with the gospel of the glory of the blessed God with which I have been entrusted”, (1 Timothy 9-11).
These are the two biggest verses people quote about homosexuality. These verses show, in the New Testament, that it is a sin to be gay. And churches should not have to marry two people that would defile their holy bond. That would make the church condone this inevitable sin and weaken the meaning of marriage. However, the translation of these two phrases may be incorrect. “The phrase (in 1 Timothy 10) is derived from a single Greek word, arsenokoitai, which is quite rare. In fact, this biblical reference may be the first examples we have of this word being used in the literature of the time.” (Would Jesus Discriminate?). Arsenokoitai translates best to "a man with many beds", which means promiscuity, and in the preceding text we see that sexually immoral men are also sinning directly eluding to someone who has an addiction for sex. If Timothy meant gay he would have used the accepted term back then which was arsenokoitaiarseno, or a man who beds with another man. There is also a mistranslation in the other passage. “There is the reference to ‘effeminate’ persons, which is viewed as a reference to gay men. In truth, the Greek word translated ‘effeminate’ in verse 9 is broad. The original Greek word is malakoi, and it literally means ‘soft’, So Paul is saying ‘soft people’ will not inherit the kingdom of God.” (Would Jesus Discriminate?). People who are morally weak and cannot sustain to the instructions of Paul, in this text, would more likely mean ‘give in to temptation and immorality easy’, not to be gay. To take these verses as meaning gay is incorrect in the most accurate translation. These refutations prove that homosexuality is not a sin and thus homosexuals have no reason to not get married.
Many argue that sexual preference is a choice and can be changed upon will. However there are studies that show otherwise. “Identical twins, who share 100 percent of their genes, show a higher chance of both being gay compared with fraternal twins, who share the same family environment, but only half their genetic code.”, (Bily 21). People who share 100 percent of the same genes have a higher chance of being the same sexuality than those who do not. And both fraternal and identical twins are both raised in almost the exact same environment. This displays a direct correlation between genes and sexual preference regardless of the way you grew up. Even growing up in the same environment, this study shows how genes play a strong role in sexual preference. However, the family environment one grows up in does play a role in how you view, and in turn act. “What you have learned about homosexuality as you were growing up will affect whether you consider engaging in homosexual acts to be desirable or disgusting.”, (Malory). The way we are parented determines many things; including sexual orientation. If parents say terrorists are bad, then to kids they are bad, n if a parent tells Jimmy he should like boys, then he probably will. If bbeing gay is a choice then why would a church have to marry them as they feel it would defile the sacrament of marriage? If they want to get married they just have to choose to be straight like everyone else. In contrast, science shows that being gay is not a choice. Scientists are researching the genes that cause homosexuality. “In 1993, a study published in the Journal of Science showed that families with two homosexual brothers were very likely to have certain genetic markers on a region of the X chromosome known as Xq28. This led to media headlines about the possibility of the existence of a ‘gay gene’” (Malory). The fact that scientists have proven a linkage between genes and homosexuality shows that it is not something that we can just change. We are born with our genes, and some people are born with genes that make them homosexual. From personal experience, I am a heterosexual male, and there is no way that I could possibly lust or romantically love another man. It is who I am as a person and it is how I was born. Who is to say it is any different for homosexuals? So, how can we discriminate and restrict the holy matrimony of two people that cannot choose to love a different way? It is a God given right at birth; otherwise it would be a choice, who you love.
Upon marriage couples are granted certain rights by the government, including; receiving Social Security, Medicare, and disability benefits, visiting your spouse in a hospital intensive care unit, making medical, decisions for your spouse if he or she becomes incapacitated and unable to express wishes for treatment, living in neighborhoods zoned for "families only", and many more benefits. Some argue that same sex couples deserve these rights. “Banning same-sex marriage violates the 14th Amendment to the Constitution. Basically, this Amendment guarantees equal protection to all Americans. Gay supporters claim, not allowing gay couples to marry denies them the protection of federal benefits, which are given freely to married heterosexual couples”, (Nagle 38). Gays are not allowed to receive federal benefits due to inequality in marriage. This directly contradicts the 14th Amendment, and disregards the separation between church and state in America. We are restricting people to be legally recognized as “families” because of the way they love, and that needs to be changed. Others argue that gays cannot uphold marital conditions given by the Bible, like procreation. “Many who are against same sex marriage hold the idea that marriage is for procreation or having babies.” (Nagle 38). The passage referred to Genesis 2:24 which states; “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh (Meaning sex and offspring)”, and two people of the same sex can't have children naturally. The Bible says that part of marriage is sex and having children. Since gays cannot have babies they can’t uphold the values of marriage. Therefore, the church should not have to marry gays. Otherwise the meaning of marriage would fall apart. However, if we look at all the bible says about marriage we can see a different view.
“Ephesians 5:22-33: Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, Hebrews 13:4: Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. 1 Corinthians 7:1-16: But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
In short, marriage according to multiple passages in the bible is not only for; two to become one in the same flesh (procreate), but also to leave their parents (making a new life), to submit to one another (to love and value each other), love your wives; love your husbands (love each other), cleanse by washing with the word (follow Christ), let marriage be held in honor among all (honor each other), don’t have authority of owns body, do not deprive each other (have sex), let marriage bed be undefiled (no adultery, immorality, etc.). all of the points of marriage according to the Bible can be done by homosexuals and since it is not being a sin to be gay, the bible says nothing contrary to homosexual marriage. If anything, restricting love is worse. Gays have the capability of doing everything the Bible says about marriage, unless the argument is made that sex is only for procreation. In which case, if a gay couple were to marry they would probably want to have kids. And they have the probable option to adopt, which has numerous benefits. It helps with overpopulation, and it keeps kids out of orphanages. It is all a general benefactor to society, for gays to get married, and it is all restricted by current day discrimination in the United States.
Throughout the years the United States has gone through a lot of change, diversity, and social acceptance. Today different religious people, African-Americans, and women, have become fully accepted with nearly equal rights. But, some are still being discriminated against, and being denied rights. Homosexuals cannot get married in most states, and this denies them benefits derived from marriage that are given by the government. The reasoning behind the discrimination is that the church should not have to marry gays because of their religion, and because sexuality is a choice. However, nowhere in the bible is homosexuality really a sin. Gays can even carry out everything the bible says marriage is. Science has proven that homosexuality is not a choice, through studies and analysis of pre-natal conditions. So churches have no reason to discriminate against gays besides ignorant intolerance. America should not stand for the type of discrimination that has been taught as extremely unacceptable behavior in the history books. We as citizens of the United States of America should demand that the government create an amendment legalizing same-sex marriage nationwide.

Works Cited

Bily, Cynthia A., ed. Homosexuality Opposing Viewpoints. Farmington Hills, MI: Greenhaven Press,
2009. Print. Opposing viewpoints.
The English Standard Version Bible. New York: Oxford UP, 2009. Print.
Huffingtonpost. N.p., n.d. Web. 9 Mar. 2014. .
Nagle, Jeanne. Same-Sex Marriage :The Debate. New York: Rosen PG, 2010. Print.
Unfollowingjesus. N.p., n.d. Web. 9 Mar. 2014. .
Would Jesus Discriminate? N.p., n.d. Web. 6 Mar. 2014.

Well written, well researched and a well presented argument.

It is hard i know im 35 married with 3 kids i feel alone all the time depressed shamefull for keeping my wife from finding love but i feel my family and friends would abandon me and id loose everything just wish i could free myself without hurting anyone elses feelings:::(

Key question to ask yourself: Did you marry and have children just to hide your sexual preferences? Or did you marry and have children because you wanted that life? If you wanted to be married and have children, it may be that you are bi-sexual and are now feeling the equivalent of "buyer's remorse" If your wife and children can love you as you are and you are willing to embrace what you have instead of seeking what you don't have, then your life will be fulfilled.
This is not much different from a married heterosexual man who starts to dream about life with his high school heartthrob whom he passed by to marry the girl who shared his values and dreams. He becomes depressed thinking about what might have been while ignoring the great life he already has. The problem comes when society tolerates and even accommodates the hetro male and condemns the gay male.

I am a sister of a gay 22 year old brother. He is a great guy and is looking for a relationship. I am on here because I am in need of help finding him a "good" man. It is true that it seems like all the guys seem to have been with each other. I am worried about my brother both mentally and sexually. We should talk.

aww im here for you always im going through the same thing except my psychiatrist says its my ocd mental illnesses im in lasvegas nv my number is 1(702)410-0170 text me anytime you need a friend

your post was from 2009.... how do you feel now?

I'm married, 2 kids, and 3 grandkids. Know one knows and i can only talk to the 1 night stands i find. I'm miserable. I just would like to just talk. If anyones interested leave me a message. Thanks

CuriousDen, how are you doing now? Happy to talk. Never married but waited till I was 28 to have an experience with another male.

<p>Listen mate, the sooner you come out and get on with your life the better. The chances are good that your family and friends already know you much better than you think, and are aware of your "secret". Sooner or later you will have to get a girlfriend, just to stop the rumours. This will only add to the stress you could end up feeling. Add to this the knowledge that you will be hurting a very nice girl, who like you deserves to be loved.</p><p>If your friends and family will not accept you for who you are then they are not worth the worry. There are believe me many people, Churches, clubs etc that will. We all only get one shot at life, do not wast it living in fear. You do not have to change your behaviour, just be your self, many gay men prefer butch or masculine guys to screeming queens.</p><p>
<br />
A word of warning though, do not be lured into the gay scene with all it's shallowness, drugs and dangerous sex. Live a good happy life, be a good kind person and believe me you will meet the love of your life one day.</p>

You are not alone. I am 50 yrs old now and have been this way my whole life and I haven't a real friend in the world. I am so lonely. I want some friends so bad... but I *don't* want the "benefits" that are offered on so many of the sites you can go to and try and find "friends".

You shouldn't feel bad about who you are. I am a gay man and i am partially out. I told my mom and my close friends know except my fellow football friends but still don't have the strength to tell my dad. He still thinks Im the straightest guy in the world because girls spend the night at my house. But the bottom line is that I'm in the same boat you are. For some reason lately Ive been very scared to get close to a guy even though I want to to so badly!! I mean being with girls is very easy for me but id rather be with a man.

I hear you! I also went through that as a teenager. I had sex when I was sixteen, and my mom caught us, so my mom was pissed, but my father was happy, because he was always asking about why I didn't have a GF, etc. I liked sex with girls, and I wanted more, but I did not pick up on all this stuff about girls, and "going steady", and proms, and all of that. This was the fifties and early sixties, so you would not even talk about this to anybody, so it was very lonely and hard to deal with.

had this happen to me too help me now!

Brayden and royalflush, it is the same with me too. Not sure what to do or how to do it? I just know it is beaten me down till I barely can breathe. Im 26 years old, nor that I am succumbing to suicidal depression but I am feeling depress about the situation. I feel like if I continue to live my life this way, I will probably end up to that state of depression. MY LIFE=(

You hit the nail right on the head for me, wow! I mean I feel as if we live the same life man, I didn't think anyone else felt this way on this planet. My names Brayden and If you want to talk, just message me!

I wish I could hug you... I am only 15 and yeah I am closeted too and my mom is a homophobe. I just want to tell someone but I can't.

I don't hate gay people, I kind of feel sorry for them..... I'm used to forums where gay people are "biting back" and trying ti JUSTIFY being that way. I must say I ended up here because I was trying to come to terms with gay people, because as a Christian I was trying to figure out how to have sympathy and compassion for gay people.....I'm glad I ended up here, I feel so saddened by you guys circumstances. I mean, I love being a Christian..... I love the change it has brought about in my life. I've learned through my own personal experiences with God that through FAITH we can overcome anything and everything we put our minds to and trust God for. It just takes time and dilligence. Well , I hope and pray that you guys will be able to find your way to the Lord's face and get through your fleshly obstacles, because God does not want you to be enslaved to the desires of your flesh. Be Blessed All as you journey and endeavor not only for Physical freedom, but for more importantly SPIRITUAL FREEDOM. One..... :)

Does one have to be a Christian to have sympathy and compassion for gay people? I am sure there are Muslims and Jews out there who want to have sympathy and compassion for Christians and are saddened because their Higher Power did not see fit to allow their Christian friends to see the light. Perhaps if you walked in the shoes of a gay person for a year you would not have such a hard time finding compassion and sympathy for them. The gay people I know did not choose to be gay, they were born that way. One even chose to lead a celibate life but was nonetheless shunned and turned out of his "christian" church when he came out. I do not think that is the kind of Spiritual Freedom you have in mind.

To answer your question, No you do not have to be a Christian in order to have sympathy for any one..... as a matter of fact you don't have to be any religious follower. Christianity just happens to be MYdoctrine to live by, and I just chose to share with whomever would take notice of my insight that a lot of bad habbits and deep dark issues that were once prevelant in my life, I no longer struggle with and as a result I attribute my overcoming and being victorious in those areas to correct biblical teaching and my FAITH in God to help me to no longer practice those things that were not pleasing in the sight of God, and I know if He did it for me then He would certainly do the same for some one else, that's all. Maybe I said it wrong, I was'nt trying to find sympathy for gay people, what I did'nt agree with was gay people stating it was biblically correct to marry or live as such, I do not believe that, nevertheless that's my opinion. And some gay people get angry when such opinions are shared, and automatically resort to, "Someone is JUDGING them", when all that could be happening is statement of a biblical truth. You have the right to believe whatever and so do I. If I am correct this forum was started by someone who is unhappy either being gay or not being able to expose himself, bondage is bondage whether Spiritual or physical and there is need for freedom. I was just offering insight, as well as going forth with putting to death my own misunderstanding about the mentality of gay people. Whether anyone on here agrees with my opinion or not, it does'nt make me, as I said before I'm glad I came across this site in MY search for understanding of what these people actually "struggle" with, because some are'nt struggling, it is what it is, and still that's their business. But from this point on I do see gays in a different light, it's personal and it is for MY GOOD..... Thanks 0_o

If there is a god that would make a person be born a gay and then send him to Hell because he is honest about who he or she is, then I do not want anything to do with this god. I am religious, but they all have it wrong, we need to stop putting god in our box, Love trumps all and you should be true to yourself, love everyone, do no harm to anyone if possible and god will take care of the rest. Friend, come out to the people you trust and you know they love you and will support you and forget the rest. you will meet a great guy that will love you for who you are and life will be great. Unlike this so call Christian, I don't seek to fill sorry for you being gay, nor do I believe you should spend a second trying to change yourself. God love you as you are and wants you to be that way. Just be yourself and enjoy you life, be happy, it will be gone before you know it.

Well said. After all, one can be a person of faith, and still be gay or lesbian, and many people are!

1 More Response

I'm 58 and in the closet,married w/a daughter

So I am 25 years old and I guess you can say recently graduated from college, and still trying for all sorts of jobs, but back to the point. I am out to my coworkers and family members, and have been. But that moment that you come out, it feels like a burden was relieved from my shoulders, and I enjoy being able to be me and happy. It does suck being single, it makes me feel envious when I see friends in relationships or hear people talk about their relationships. I have been told that my personality screams gay by many people, but most people don't know I am gay, even though I am flamboyant. I also stress that as I get older it may be difficult to find someone, but I look forward to being with someone, because yet again a burden will be removed. But coming out to family and friends can be nerve wracking, but you will feel so much better after it all, and I hope that it goes well for you as it did for me. And some words for everyone out there in the world that sees being lonely as a bad thing, when you do and I say WHEN you do find someone, and you WILL, you will be able to express your love and being to them and be with them in happiness and hopefully "til death do you part". But I want people to be happy whether you are single or not, cherish the moments you are alone, or with someone and always look forward to see what awaits you around the corner. There is someone out there for everyone and when you two find one another, you will be at peace.

Am I reading my story, I am 30 years old, I have a nice job, high income . Nice apartment and car. But I am very sad cuz Iam gay. I am not out to my parents. I lost my straight friends because I came out to them, most of my coworkers are married , I have no one to hang with , I became alcoholic as it's an escape from reality , all I want is to live normal like everyone , to have a partner but it seems impossible and the older I get the less chances
I don't want to end up alone but ....

Why are you defining yourself as a gay alcoholic? If you carry that around in your head all day long, that is exactly what you will become. Suggest you focus on one word that will most define who your REALLY are (e.g. HONEST, or KIND, or SOCIAL). Carry that word in your head during all your waking hours and apply it in every situation you encounter. If your word is HONEST, then do not fear telling those you meet that you are a gay person struggling with alcoholism. You don't have to dwell on it. Most people appreciate up front honesty...those who do not are more likely to have even worse skeletons in their closet that they are trying to hide from you.
BTW-unless you are only looking for one-night stands, age has little to do with healthy loving relationships. This is true whether your are straight or gay.

What is it that makes you think you can't have it "all?" In this you obviously enjoy the company of both men and women but not in same sexual ways which you equate as defining you as straight or gay. So what would make you happy?

I actually have never found anyone who sounds as similar to me as the OP does. I am 21, successful, good looking and... Closeted. It's tough. And confusing. I myself hard to have friends because their interests are girls, and yours are about telling them who you really are. I feel horribly alone and like I'm living a lie. The worst part is, my life is nearly perfect. I don't know why I have to ruin it!! I feel like I want to find a guy to run off with and live somewhere else and continue to live my secret, at least it'd be on my terms.

I feel exactly the same!! Wow! Except that I am not tooo keen on coming out as yet :P
Maybe we should have a chat?

This is like reading my life, I relate to this so badly. Especially:

" I get mixed of emotions when I see my friends with their girlfriends or with girls, hugging and laughing together. I feel sad, angry and depressed inside because it's what I want but I cannot have."

I hope by now you've sorted this out since this story was posted in 2009, but if you haven't I completely understand. Being that I'm in almost the exact situation you are/were in, I can't accept the fact that I'm gay. It just makes my whole life a lie.

Thank you for the story, even though this may sound cruel, it fills my heart with joy to see I'm not the only one.

I am a closeted gay man who is 50 years old and I understand the struggles you are going through. It is also hard for me because of the religious issues as well.

Me too! Felt like I was reading my self. I have sexual feelings towards men but have always dreamed of getting married and having children.

I just don't want to follow the wrong path. If anyone has some time to chat that would be much appreciated.

Thank you

I cannot believe that someone of the same age out there is going through the same thing I am going through right now. It's absolutely unbearable. I also don't have gay friends and most of my friends, including my best friend, are homophobic too. I feel you deeply man. I even played sports and went to the gym regularly because I though that these would mask my true nature. I wish I knew the answer to our problem. I am so terrified with the idea of people in my life knowing who I really am. I am actually scared right now as I am typing this because I've become so paranoid and this is the first time I've ever talked about this. Even though I feel so lonely all the time because I don't have anyone to talk to, I am very hopeful that i'll meet the person who can change everything someday. Thank you for your story, It made me feel less alone. Hang in there!

I'm in the same boat as both of you. I hate it so much. I have hope that it will get easier once I'm finally able to accept and love that part of myself, but until then, it's a rough road.