I am a 21 year old closeted gay male and nobody knows about my situation. Though being gay, I still walk, talk, look and act just like any straight guy you see out there, probably even more masculine than most. Except my sexual attraction is with the same sex. I'm a straight man stuck in a gay man's body.
Living a double standard life is very hard and depressing. I question myself everyday why and how I turned like this. I hate my life because of my sexuality. It brings me into an emotional roller coaster everytime I think of it. My life now only consists of work and gym time. I rarely go out because I don't have alot of friends. I've lost most of my friends during my depression times when I was in high school. That was the time I confirmed I was really gay. All my friends now are all male and all straight. Straight men my age have only one thing in mind --- women --- so everytime we do go out, it's always hitting on girls are the bar... Don't get me wrong, it's fun and I'm really good at it, but I am just not interested in women at all. I get mixed of emotions when I see my friends with their girlfriends or with girls, hugging and laughing together. I feel sad, angry and depressed inside because it's what I want but I cannot have.
For a 21 year old, I consider myself successful and very mature. I run my own business, I drive a nice car that I paid all by myself, I pay my own bills, I support my parents and I am very independent. People my age envy me and wish they have the work ethics I have. They think that my life is perfect because of what I have and everything I have accomplished, but being a scared "closet gay", they don't know the imprisonment lifestyle I am living. If I was straight, I would say that my life would be perfect, but being gay and in the closet is bringing such a huge negative effect in my life and it's gradually messing me up.
I've always had girlfriends, but I have been single for half a year now. Like any 21 year old, I have a very high sex drive. Being gay, of course, my preference is with a man. Being gay and being in the closet, I do not know any gay friends. My only network is the internet, which, have a very limited number of guys and it seems like all the guys online have had sex with each other already. I've already hooked up with several guys and I really hate doing it. Actually, I despise it. I always judge people and give them a bad "label" for having multiple sexual partners and in this case, I am being a hypocrit because I myself is doing it. I want this to stop. I don't want to have sex with random people. I I am scared of catching any disease or virus. I want a monogamous relationship.
Ultimately, bottom line, I just want to come out to my family and friends. I want them to know who I really am because I am tired of hiding my real identity. I know they will accept me for who I am, but I am scared. I don't want my siblings to treat me differently especially my brothers. Also my friends. They are all homophobic.
I just want to live freely. I want to be ME. I just wish that if I do come out to people, they will realize that I will still be me and I will not change. I will not turn feminine, I will not start wearing make up, I will still have my manly voice, everything!
It's 3AM on a saturday. I wrote this because I have no one to turn to or to talk to.