At Least I'm Finding Some Nice Outfits In Here...

A few years ago my best friend came out as gay, and it really shook me. It got me evaluating my own sexual orientation, and opened my eyes. Lots of people say they always knew they were gay, but I really began to consider the possibility early on in secondary school. I decided I was, and came out to a few people, including my friend. We got close, had a short lived and pretty uneventful fling together and then I chickened out. I told people I was Bisexual, and over time just stopped mentioning any interest in guys. I'm still somewhat good friends with the boy who made me realise I was gay, and I still have feelings for him, but I think we've known each other too long and have too much history for things to progress now I'm ready, however much I'd like them to.

The next few years led to one meaningful relationship with a girl, and quite a few infatuations with members of the opposite sex. It was only ever on an emotional level, however, and I would go out with my then girlfriend and then come home to thoughts about other guys who I found attractive. This strange double life continued for years, and I was pretty happy. It never occurred to me that I was deluding myself. But I was.

A few months ago I came to a few realisations, including that in reality, however much I loved girls for their personalities, I was only ever physically attracted to men, and what I really wanted was a meaningful relationship with someone of the same sex. I started to look back over my childhood, and noticed how I'd always been different compared to other boys, and that it was the little signs I'd never taken the time to look at that all clearly pointed in one direction. 

Needless to say these revelations were painful, and made me rethink my entire perspective on things. I am a part of a liberal Christian family, though when I tried to express these feelings to my Mum I was met with a firm disagreement and denial of any such possibility. I'm afraid to come out publicly in case people think I'm just trying to jump on a bandwagon (homosexuality is a very big deal yet surprisingly common thing in my College year) or respond, like my Mum, and tell me I'm lying. Unfortunately the years I spent lying to myself and being publicly "heterosexual" are making things complicated. Though I'm finding it hard I'm finally coming to terms with my attractions and accepting myself for who I am, but I'm too nervous to take the next step in coming out like so many others because I'm worried about how other people will react and treat me as a result. I also have a problem with the group of "out" guys in my peer group being very stereotypical and shallow, and I don't want to be associated with them or have people see me as the same as them (I know I'm an individual, but you know how quick to judge and label teenagers can be).

I've confided all this in one girl I know reasonably well, and she helps to show me the lighter side of things, and I feel like things could be looking up, it's just a matter of time until my confidence is great enough and I feel independent enough to come out of the closet on my own terms and ignore any non-believers & nay-sayers.

I've just got to keep my fingers crossed.

SolentDreams SolentDreams
18-21, M
1 Response Feb 17, 2010

There is no time limit for when you wnat to decide to come out.Yes it will be hard when you decide,first you tell your family,and you will get all sorts of reactions,they should still love you for who you are.<br />
Yes you are not being true to your inner feelings,as you know that deep down your gay,accepting it is one big step,comeing out is a very big thing,but once you have come out,you will feel better in yourself,its not a guilt thing,but some people who are gay think it is and deny that they are gay.<br />
And there are a lot of Gay young people who hide it,<br />
At School and College there are a lot of gays who deny that they are,they hide it because of many reasons,one being they still want their friends,and think that they will lose them if they knew they are gay,and another reason they dont want to be made fun of by otheres.<br />
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Hope this helps you<br />
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I am gay have been for Years