Baby Step..big Leap

I am glad I found this site.  Finally I can confess the truth that has been slowly chewing me up inside all these years.  So here goes.... I am gay.... and ashamed of it. I didn’t expect it would be this hard for me to express it here, even if am just pseudo-coming out of my closet.  At least now am in a bigger one and it’s comforting to know that am not a lone warrior in this battle. 

I knew all along that am gay.  I didn’t just wake up one day and decided to be one.  It’s not a choice and I don’t think anyone in his right mind would choose this path.  I know it’s surprising that for so long I have never told a soul about myself.  There isn’t a day that I never dreamed that I would miraculously become straight, (guy or girl, which is really a wishful thinking) or just be out in the open.  But I really couldn’t draw enough strength to face anyone and say the truth. 

This is probably because of how people close to me view homosexuality.  My dad and my brother are extremely homophobic.  Don’t get me wrong they are nice people and they really don’t mind gay people as long as they are 6 degrees unrelated.  They are really nice that I couldn’t disappoint them. Am pretty sure it’s not hard to tell that I am gay. I am 31, effeminate and I’ve never been in a relationship. Enough red flags, I know.  Well I live in a place where my status is not uncommon. (Or are there just a lot of closeted gay where I lived?) I guess they are just giving me a benefit of doubt or that they just couldn’t handle the truth. I couldn’t handle it myself.  Even to my closest friend I couldn’t say it. Sometimes I would play scenes in my mind where I would confess that I am gay.  But I would end up distancing myself from that person even if it was just my imagination.  I should seek professional help.  Oh wait, am a doctor.  That makes it harder.  I know I AM my biggest obstacle.  When the day comes that I can wholeheartedly embrace my true self, that day would be when I can only be free.  For now I am just taking what seems to be a baby step, but a big leap for me.

vers vers
31-35, M
15 Responses Feb 20, 2010

I know this is an old post, but I have to tell you I am in kind of the same boat. I have a few more people I have shared with, but I am afraid to let the general public know. I am trying to seek help. You sound so sincere. I wish I could meet other gay men like yourself. It seems everyone wants to hook up. I am not even there, that is like light years away for me. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to contact me. I have started to come out, I found a coach online that is gay that I connected with and I am talking with him as he supports me in all of this crazy confussion. I ask myself everyday what did I do to deserve this. It is such a lonly walk. I guess it doesn't have to be though, if we can find people to share with, even if it is online as we encourage each other as we take our baby steps. I finally came out to my family about 2 weeks ago, I mean my whole family, aunts, uncles, cousins, I was loved, but yet I couldn't feel it. I guess my heart has become a stone over the years, because of the fear. I am in the process of trying to heal, and make up for 34 years of repressing everything I ever felt, thinking of all the things I would have wanted to do in life, as simple as to play baseball and feel part of the team. I hope that you have taken some steps since you first wrote this. If you ever need someone to talk to, I would be willing to listen and be a friend. Even after telling my family I am still suffering. How do you live life with out the fear, with self confidence and feel good about yourself, as I think many of us have been programed to think we are terrible people. I continue to struggle, I hope you are making some head way. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Peace

Thank you Praying4you. I have made some steps in coming to terms with myself since i wrote this. I haven't come out to my family and friends yet. But recently, i came out to someone and it was a pleasant experience. I wrote about it here. It gave me hope that i think i can eventually face everyone and tell them what i am. Props to you for being able to come out to your family. A lot of us still struggle. One thing for sure, it only gets better if we allow it to be.

I hope i could take the leap much sooner... Thanks..

Thanks Evania... nice name. You also sound like a sweetie yourself. <br />
<br />
I agree with you 100%. No one has the right to. But in reality, it happens.<br />
<br />
"Let the one who has never sinned, cast the first stone!"

Aww sweetie, <br />
You sound nice. I have a classmate who is gay, I love him. I love many gays. In fact, I haven't met one I don't like. No one has the moral or spiritual authority or standing to judge anyone. We're all insufficient and unrighteous. All the best sweetie.

Thanks guestcy,<br />
<br />
Hopefully everything will do fall in its right place in the right time. <br />
<br />
I'm happy for you that you've made the brave leap. It may not have gone the way you've wanted it, but it's better knowing that you are no longer living a lie. I wish the best for you. Have a promising life ahead. The world is your oyster!

Dear vers,<br />
<br />
Great! small and steady steps will eventually get where you want to go!!!<br />
I did my small steps and I'm still walking this difficult path. But it is necessary to to it because we have only 1 life to live and we have to live at the most. So you are different so are WE :) !!! well that's why I joined this site as well!<br />
<br />
Hope all the best strength within you! Eventually everything will fall into place. Well that's what everyone is hoping for!!!!!<br />
<br />
I got out of the closet but not to much though..... still keeping a safe distance with society here...<br />
<br />
So hope everything works out for you!

Dear vers,<br />
<br />
Great! small and steady steps will eventually get where you want to go!!!<br />
I did my small steps and I'm still walking this difficult path. But it is necessary to to it because we have only 1 life to live and we have to live at the most. So you are different so are WE :) !!! well that's why I joined this site as well!<br />
<br />
Hope all the best strength within you! Eventually everything will fall into place. Well that's what everyone is hoping for!!!!!<br />
<br />
I got out of the closet but not to much though..... still keeping a safe distance with society here...<br />
<br />
So hope everything works out for you!

Thanks gayat54. I wish for the day when the world has a broader understanding on homosexuality, when people won't need to be placed in labels, when we are free to live and love how we choose to.

Thanks Durchschneiden. <br />
<br />
It has been eight months since i wrote this entry. Yet i am still hiding in my closet. My baby step hasn't taken me far. I really find it hard to actually say the three words "I am gay!". There were many instances that i wanted to, but i get tongue-tied. I am still not emotionally ready. But my current situation will inevitably force me to come out. I just hope i'll be ready to take the leap when the inevitable happens.

" what makes your problems so much bigger than everybody else's? They're mine."<br />
<br />
I think one of the problem is we ourselves can not totally embrace who we really are. There, stems all our fears of coming out. we expect to be accepted when we can not even accept ourselves. I dont get why there's a need to put labels on people. Is it really hard just to live and let live as long as we don't step on someone's toe? life would be easier this way.

Hey mate all i can say is your not alone!!! Why is it that there are so many like us and yet we still continue to berate ourselves over those who dont or cant understand!!! The pathetic excuse for a man that treated oconnerma the way he did adds fuel to the fire that makes people fear homosexuality and in return making it hard for decent people to admit to that "lable" !!!<br />
<br />
Again i say there a people with much bigger problems then ours but if you kick your toe.... its your toe that hurts and its your toe that your concerned about!!! I guess we dwell in our own problems too much and maybe if we all were more understanding and reached out to someone else.... everyone's problems wouldn't seem so bad.

@ oconnerma... i feel sorry for what he has done to you for 8 long years in your marriage. What makes it worse is that you are his third victim. I ocan nly hope that you no longer endure the abuses he was doing to you. Dont ever doubt yourself and believe in his lies. Rest assure that i will not resort to his evil acts and ruin someone's life just to coverup myself. I don't intend to stay in the closet for so long. Am still just drawing enough strength to come out of it. I hope you have put a stop to what he is doing and if not, i hope you have gained enough courage to fight back and do legal action against him.

I am a women who was taken in by a gay man who used me as a beard to hide his true sexualyit he is gay. Durig our eight year marriae we hda swx abut 12 times most of which involved me pleading for affection. All duringg our marriae he was having sex with men and simply using me as a cover. I was his third wife and he has had two common law wives as well. He has been doing this for 25 years to women after women but he is very charming as most con artists are. There was also a financial element and he attemtped to get as much moneyout of me as he could during the mariage. This was a very emotionally and physchologially abusive marriage in which he constantloy lied nd manipulated to keep me from understdig ehtruth. He contiaay tod me it wasm y faut th he did not want to hav sex with me because I was such a terrible person I was unworthy of loe and affection. This man nearly destroyed me. Don't so this to any women it is extremely cruel.

@ Brownie25 .... thanks for your sympathy. It was indeed a relief having it somewhat rid off my chest. I know it's a constant struggle to keep it all in me, but i just can not out myself in the open that easily. I have high regards to those who had a strength to do it and ended up happy. However, i am afraid if the outcome may not go my way. I dont want to lose the people close to me. Most especially, i don't want to lose myself. I fear that when they find out, i may not be able to look myself in the mirror without feeling shame and disgust.

I need to start with a great hug and words of admiration ;-) I'm happy you've come across that site since you need someone to tell that to - it's too much of a burden to carry it yourself. I could nearly feel a sigh of a little relief while reading your entry and I am deeply moved, being sorry at the time that I can't come up with any words of meaningful advice. Write me if you want just to share your feelings, I'll wait ;) all the best .