25 And Still In "the Closet"

I'm 25 and consider myself bi, but more interested in men than women. I feel the older I get the harder it is for me to concentrate on school or anything extra-curricular, because my sexuality has increasingly been on my mind. I can't focus on anything! and my life is severely suffering. I don't know if it's depression, it's certainly not the same as my depression in high school which was caused by family issues, health issues and sexuality. I seemed to have gotten over the rest, but it really bothers me how I can't get my sexual identity out of my mind, and I'm starting to realize how its affected negatively a lot of my friendships and social endeavours in the past, and that's depressing. I feel like I'm missing out on something, and I've only recently come to this realization. 

Here's my situation, I'm considered very attractive, etc etc, never been in a relationship, have multiple friends, which helps me perpetuate my own elusiveness, and enables me to be distant enough from people where they don't get the chance to really question me. But that's left me lonely. I think I might be the loneliest person with the most amount of friends. I feel that this issue is stopping me from progressing in life. I'm so far behind in school, and in debt, and I feel that I have confidence in every aspect about myself, except the validation that I would have/ should have already gotten from having previous relationships at my age. I'm just becoming increasingly distant from family and friends emotionally, which I fear is going to heavily effect me negatively in the future, and I really don't want that. All I know is that I'm not happy and Im not entirely sure why, but think this might be the issue. 

All these thoughts recently surfaced after I finally took the plunge last summer and hooked up with a guy, discreet of course. It ended up being a double edged sword sort of experience. It was amazing, too say the least, but  he moved out of the city very shortly after and I was sort of left hanging, more confused than ever, and all of a sudden wanting to be in a relationship fearing I've been missing out this whole time, but also knowing that it would be impossible with this guy cause we'll never live in the same city ever again.  I figured it to be just kind of first time with another guy attachment issues, but he visited a few months later and it turns out we have a really great connection, but it will never happen to due proximity! Frustrated indeed! The worst part I find, is that I'm completely trapped in my head about this whole situation as I am not open, so I can't talk to my friends about this. Although, I hear about their sexcapades and relationships all the time, and feel constantly left out. But I'm  a stubborn person, and my friends no me only to be as a certain individual, not one that wants a relationship, or subordinates himself to sexual attraction. But if I'm too be honest with myself, I've simply been repressing all these wants and desires and focused on anything and everything else. But this experience with another man has completely opened it all up, it's been unwrapped and impossible to repress again, and now all I want is to have more experiences, explore this new unchartered desire, but in order too it'll have to involve a huge restructuring of my social environments and the dynamics I've created.

I'm now constantly questioning everything about myself, who I am, what I'm supposed to be  doing in life, and everything else mid-twenty somethings go through. Worst/Best of all, I've become completely shaped by my past decisions, good and bad, I know only that person, and entering into a world of same-sex relations and friendships and outings, is so foreign to me. I'm destined to lose friends, weird out my family, I'm sure validate a lot of people's already expectations, since it might be obvious to some people, who question my relationship-less life. It all just seems so exhausting and tiring of a mission. But like I said I'm not happy right now, I live in a major city, and young and have the ability to accomplish a lot, but at this rate I'm to end up a depressed thirty year old. But at the same time I HATE how defining sexuality has become, like it even matters in the even slightest who you're sexual preference is, and here come all the stereotypes if I dare tell anyone that I'm open to both types of relationships, I JUST WANT MORE EXPERIENCES! I've partied enough, traveled enough, "schooled" enough, etc. Yet, know nothing of the relation/ship area of life, and it's destroying me. I'm not my full self, but if it wasn't even an issue in our society, then there would be no "coming out" protocol, which is so marginalizing, and frustrating that it even has to be a process to go through, because straight people get to completely avoid all the stress and anxiety involved. But I'm sure we've all thought and felt that. I don't want to fail, or end up in a dead end up, or be missing confidence or experiences, or be held back in anyway because of this. I just don't know if there's a better way to deal with this: Live life on my own accord and rules and not feel this obligation to tell everyone? Get over this guy and move on, take another plunge? If I've never denied my bisexuality, am I still leading a double life? Do I need to talk to at least one person and get this off my mind so as to not affect my studies? Ugh.

Any advice?

P.S. -- 7 months later and I'm still so hung up on this guy, I think about him all the time. We message each other every month or so and tell each other how amazing each one was in bed and how we wish we could be together, but that does anything but help the situation and only perpetuates the cycle of daily thoughts and questionings that constantly recycles themselves in my head, ALL the time , and EVERY day since. 

ilikeartists ilikeartists
22-25, M
7 Responses Mar 1, 2010

You're staring the answer in the face...

I also ,on the other side of earth, share the same feelings that eat you up inside and cannot do anything about it. Many details you have exrpessed there are excactly the same here, even the way you are writing them.... well I am also scared of the fact that i will wake up one day on my late 30's or 40' s or even 50's and be alone in a homophobic world. I have came in terms with my self though this year! And I have came out to my family at 25! They didnt handle it well, they are still strugling with it but nevertheless, one day they will accept me as I am. And I hope your family and surroundings will accept you when it is your time. I hope you experience all the things you desire and accomplish your goals. I would like to keep in touch though. Hopw all the best for you!

I also ,on the other side of earth, share the same feelings that eat you up inside and cannot do anything about it. Many details you have exrpessed there are excactly the same here, even the way you are writing them.... well I am also scared of the fact that i will wake up one day on my late 30's or 40' s or even 50's and be alone in a homophobic world. I have came in terms with my self though this year! And I have came out to my family at 25! They didnt handle it well, they are still strugling with it but nevertheless, one day they will accept me as I am. And I hope your family and surroundings will accept you when it is your time. I hope you experience all the things you desire and accomplish your goals. I would like to keep in touch though. Hopw all the best for you!

Hey man i can relate to most of everything you say!!! No advice for you either but i often ask my self what am i gonna do when i wake up at 40 yrs old and regret not ever taking a chance on happiness.... its easier said then done but taking the leap into the unknown with the slightest chance of happiness compared to a life of what if's seems so more appealing!! I wish i could just suck it up and have a go!!! Good Luck!!

I know how you feel, I'm in the same situation except I'm only 22 and I havn't done anything with another guy.<br />
I hate how there is no one to talk to who you can relate and share thoughts about it all.<br />
I don't even know any other gay people near where I live or work. I am constantly lusting after other guys wondering if they're straight or not..<br />
<br />
Just wanted to let you know you arn't the only one feeling left out, alone, depressed and confused.

I was in the same situation when i was your age minus the plunge. And i still am. I, too, have lots of friends yet i feel lonely. Everytime relationship talks come out, i try as i could to distance myself. But am glad my friends know better than question my sexual orientation. Perhaps they know all this time, just that they dont want me to be put on a hot seat or they want me to deal with it in my own time. Whenever they share their relationship issues, i listen and even advise though i know am not an expert. Everything i know about love i learned vicariously. Still they value my opinion. Maybe they just want my unbiased opinion. <br />
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My studies were likewise affected, as i used to be a straight A student. But as years passed, the thoughts and the longingness for being in a homosexual relationship get the best of me. It's like a broken record that endlessly play in my head. I was lucky enough to finish my studies, but i know i could have done better. <br />
<br />
I share your fears of losing people close to you if they found out the truth. Afraid also of a possibility that i may not like the outcome when i come out. It's not as if i could ran back in the closet. But then again, what could be worse than not really living. <br />
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I am truly saddened that after you finally connected with someone, you have to part ways. It's indeed exponentially difficult for us to meet someone, for fears of not being reciprocated or ending up being exposed prematurely. I can only imagine the pain you are going through. It's already hard hiding one's feeling, i can only guess it's miniscule compared to what you are dealing. I understand that despite of long months being away from each other you could not move on. But in my opinion, it's something you have to do. I know it won't be easy. You admittedly say that there is no future between you since no one is willing to move out to live near each other or together. Then still maintaining communication with him will only make it difficult for you. It will just rekindle your feelings towards him that the longer you allow it to happen, the harder it gets to move on. I only hope that both of you could find a compromise in your situation. Otherwise, i think it would be best if you would completely let him go.

You are what you are JUST you do not have a right to hurt people like my brother did about his sexuality. If someone will be hurt you better come clean as soon as you know