Falling For The Wrong Men...

I am a strong, successful woman.
Yet I'm a firm believer in the conservative concept of looking up to a man. I want to give myself to someone fully and I want to trust him with the decision-making and with my life. I want to obey him and take his word as my rule. My place in the kind of relationship I want is at the bottom.

It is hard to find a man that can be this dominant, strong, and smart.
And it has been even harder to find a man that means well with me and my life.

The trust I have to give has been abused by two men in the last year.
I kept making excuses for their behaviour - because I would like to trust them.

But I cant.
The basis of a good relationship is trust. To be able to blindly follow your husband's orders you must first trust him to mean well for you.

One man led me into a relationship even though all he wanted was sex. I love him still but I see now that to be a good dom he should have been honest with me - especially since I was honest with him. He lied to me to keep me as his sub for months - me being a good sub and not questioning him got hurt so bad..

The other man is violent and aggressive. He gets so angry, and he has hurt me. He doesn't do it on purpose bu he can't control his rage. Because of him I have lost my job. He has broken things around my house, and now has a restraining order against me (the neighbors called the cops one night - I never even made a statement). He is broke and owes me lots of money. He is not the dominant man I want - he is just violent.

I still am drawn toward both of them.
This is not love, this is not dominance.
This is abuse.
I know this but I wanna be there for them, help them, be a good woman, deal with the issues...
fantasiamoon fantasiamoon
26-30, F
5 Responses Jul 23, 2010

Well, when I came acroos the book , I'd suffered alot in my relationship. He definitetly had problems. I stayed in the relationship not knowing the information in the book was out ther. I thought by hanging in things would get better just because. Well, fter many years and learning from the book I see how much it has changed me. My esteem has grown. I have found ME.I am still working a program. (committed to working on recovery from codependence, etc...yes there are groups, like CoDa and the like.<br />
I have committed to working on it the rest of my life because Ii never want to be at a disadvantage and enable mistreatment of myself and disrespect. And not be anyones victim again. No longer will I put up with any abuse ever again. I suspect I will reap all my life by keeping fresh in my mind of all the great things I've learned from that book. It has literally saved my life. It also , places me in a healthier position to get the healthier relationship I wanted and has enhanced my marriage. I could go on and on. Just keep investing in yourself and arming yourself with this new information and you will be alright!!!!

Very well said

I finished the book "Codependent No More" and it taught me so much about myself and I saw myself, and often my mother, in so many of the stories.<br />
It helped me make sense of my emotions. <br />
<br />
now that I can see more clearly what I am doing, I hope I will do it less..<br />
<br />
but not sure yet how this will realistically integrate into my life..<br />
<br />
at least theory makes sense so far..

Good for you on seeking counseling and recognizing things in your life. No matter what is going on in your life , please consider getting the book. It can help you see where you're at and why you do what you do. Cheers to you lady-I see some things good working in your life.We can be friends if you like.

thank you EmeraldSkies, I have begun counselling, but have yet to read "codependent no more". i am dating the abusive guy still, things are sad; there is so much fighting and yelling, much dis-respect, too.<br />
it's hard for me to leave, i put myself into the place of the victim over and over again by staying and enabling his mean behaviour. i am planning on breaking everything up soon though, i hope to get the strength..

There are good Doms out ther, please learn the difference between being a good Dom and just being domineering. Know yourself before you get into any other relationships or you could go on like this for years.

Well, obedient woman-I was somewhat like you once. Although I didnt come right out and say it aloud. I just naturally thought that was the way it is. Please read the book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie for a healthy perspective for women like us. There are some beliefs that we have that may be coming from influences in our life that we didnt know were not quite right and that can make a victim out of you and users will definitely find their way to you EVERY time. It has been a while since you had posted this and I hope you find this or have found true recovery for codepence since. Good luck.