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 i am a grown woman with a family and I am so very blessed in many ways. But I am a codependant. I have spent my life trying to make people happy. Trying to make them love me. Trying to be what everyone wanted me to be. My first marriage lasted 16 years. My husband was a good man, but we never had the "connection" I had always longed for. He ignored me, didn't make me feel important enough. When I met who was to be my second husband, everything just clicked. I finally had found that intimate connection I had always longed for. I finally had the passion I had dreamed of as a young girl. He had come out of a horrible marriage, and was a former occasional drug user, but all of that was going to change with me. I was determined that I was going to be the one to love him enough to fix him.
As a child I lived in an alcoholic home. My dad drank and things would get very volatile at times. I always did what I could to stay out of the way and be a "good girl" , and for the most part I was the "good girl". My first marriage was incredibly uneventful, so when I entered into the second, I had no idea what I was in for. I had never experience drug addiction. I had never experienced a crazy ex-wife and all of the drama that entailed. I had never had step children or thought I would have to raise my kids with someone other than their father.  6 years into it now and I've been through it all. Hundreds of dollars wasted on drugs and alcohol. Night after night of abandonment and an overwhelming fear that something would happen to him. Horrific amounts of verbal abuse. Watching MYSELF say things and behave in ways i never thought I was capable of. As a child, ugly words from those I loved was my form of abuse. My husband uses this knowledge to the best of his ability, and boy is he a master with words. I have never cried so much, hated myself so much, loved so much, prayed so much, worried, feared so much. We are both christians, and I have learned so many lessons through this, but I can hardly bear it much longer. He can be so mean and cold. He thinks everything is my fault and makes me feel like a complete failure. God has spoken to him time and again and has given him chance after chance, but he won't do what he has to do to recover. He'd rather push everything off on me than face himself. It's easier that way.
We're broke. I'm stuck. He can't leave because he doesn't have any money. yet, I don't want to live another day like this. I'm tired of waiting around for something that will never happen. He'll never change because it's too easy to make me the bad guy and not him. I have stayed because I felt like God was telling me to, but I guess i'm starting to lose hope. I feel like I'm going to break.....

shebelieves7288 shebelieves7288 36-40 1 Response May 17, 2011

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Boy have I been where you've been. Or at least we have too many similar experiences. Partly, because if you grew up in an alcoholic/addict s home you have a 65-85% chance of being in a relationship with one(time and time again-in some instances) or becoming one yourself. Or at the very least, definately be a codependent.After growing up in a disfunctional home, meeting a regular calm man could seem too drab. Boring. Now that may not have seemed like a bad deal ? No stones thrown here. I have read it can seem that way to us.After being used to chaos or? Well, I didnt know a thing about addicition and I thought an alcoholic was definately one who pissed on himself while drinking. I didnt know my husband was an alcoholic because he 'partied". I thought that was normal. Even every weekend. Boy did it cause so much problems , pain, loss.20 years later, I realize I'd went through alot of hell that could have been avoided, I think, if I'd only knew about some things thAT I will tell you now.(if you haven't heard about them already) DEFINATELY read" Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. You may even borrow it from the library.But get it!!!!

Go to an Al-Anon meeting or CoDa(codependence anonymous). You need to talk about it with others who understand . Believe me they do more than you think.Shame and fear can keep people from going to a group. It will also keep you isolated and crazy and missing out on things that you will learn later, if you will only keep going, no matter what.See a damn counselor EVEN IF HE WONT SEEK ANY HELP. Most times people think it should be the other way around. So wrong.

But you will find out, if you haven't already. It can do a butt load of good!!! Take this advice, please. I've thrown you a life line. One that can help you where you are at. You'll be surprised how much help is out there for you. Dont wait around and go down with the ship, trying to find another way to "help him see the error" of his ways. It doesn't work. Many of us will tell you , who are working arecovery program to heal ourselves. You can come out of this and heal and become better with time, if you will choose to hear this. Good luck, I feel your pain and devastation-as I once was in it myself.I ahve found ME thorugh recovery. It's good. Take care. You can talk with me about my experiences in this. I know more about it than I ever wanted to. But my life also has been found though this hell.Hugs.