Its Like A Constant Tornado!!!

Hello, I am a codependant. Here is part of my story. Untill just recently, I discovered I was a co-dependant after going to marriage counseling. I did not realize what damage I had done after all these years, not only to how it has hurt my wife and our marriage, but what it has done to me. My efforts to make others happy has suffocated my own identity and my wifes and her independce. I do everyting for everyone and nothing for myself. Its a vicious cycle that I'm trying to stop. The hardest thing for me is to let go and know everything will not fal apart. Some steps I have taken have started to work. For instance. I no longer do all the house work and insist its done my way. Now she does some of it and I have stopped critizing her and how she is doing it. My next learning task is to stop hovering and being in her face 24/7 waiting for what she needs next. Its like there is another little person inside me pushing me around. And the learning how to curve the anxiety of not being around all the time, worrying about her.

Brentwho Brentwho
36-40, M
1 Response Mar 5, 2010

Hey Brentwho,<br />
I appreciate your story and can relate to it so well!!!<br />
I'm also a dude in my 40's who recently came to understand I am a codependant and how it has negatively affected my life. I always thought I was more willing to help other people and that I just cared more, was more sensitive than others... but now I see that although that is all true- i am INBALANCED with my efforts and need to learn to let others live their life without me trying to Help or control, or fix everything for them.<br />
Here's the GOOD NEWS for us, buddy: We have REALIZED what is wrong! So now that we have identified it, we can begin to change ourselves to fix it!!!! <br />
I sometimes get despondant, depressed and I have to remember this- that I should be happy that I have realized my problem, found a name for it, found other people to share it with , and I am on my way to recovery from it!<br />
So I want to encourage you to hang in there also.<br />
Briefly here's what i have done that has helped me: I have read books on codependancy, I keep a journal and write down important things I learn, also write down my thoughts and struggles and my good behaviors each day.<br />
I discuss and share this knowledge with my partner, BUT am careful not to over-do the sharing and eventually try not to use the term "codependant" after a few weeks because they will begin to tire of this information. Also, found books on COMMUNICATION and began to learn how to use "I statements" and also to listen and not try to "fix" my partners problems when they share.<br />
Finally, I joined support groups so I can NOT BE ALONE in this...I recommend you look for CoDep Anonymous groups AND ALANON groups in your area. I HIGHLY recommend attending ALANON group meetings...just go and sit and listen...it CHANGED my life, reduced my depression and anxiety more than any therapist.<br />
I found a modern, community church to attend- NOT a denominational judgemental church... You can wear jeans and dress casual, etc... Again, I just go and listen without judging or having to agree with everything they say. <br />
Those are things that have worked for me, don't know if they wll have the same effect for you, but I never wanted to attend church or ALANON and now I wouldn't miss them- they have helped me HEAl in ways I could never imagine!<br />
I hope you are doing well and I appreciate you sharing your struggle with me- it makes me feel better to know that we are all struggling and trying to help each other.