It Wasn't Enough

when we first met, he was very bold and was interested in me. i was a bit freaked out, considering the fact that i didn't even know him. but he was persistent, so we ended up talking to each other. he's a great guy. very interesting and sweet, and he put a smile on my face all the time. we were lovey dovey and we'd have stupid fights that'll go like this:

~i love you

-i love you too

~nuh uh

-uh huh

it was childish, and extremely cheesy. but i always loved it. and the more we talked, i realized that i love HIM. he disappeared for a week. and when he came back, he didn't even bother to say hi to me. it was as if i a stranger. i was crying so much. and i was angry and infuriated. how could he lead me on like that? he was always so sweet, and there was no doubt that he liked me. but he was dating the girl that i barely knew, but who i've grown to hate. i got one 'hi' before he disappeared AGAIN. and this time, for a month or two. the reason for that is because he was shot in the chest. his girlfriend cheated on him during that time, and that totally broke his heart. but i was there to talk to him, and comfort him while other people minded their own business. it's not that he doesn't matter to them. it's just that they were too happy and in-the-moment for anything so strong and deep like that. but i was there. and we talked and he told me what happened. i started being his comfort pillow from that day on. i hated that ***** already. but now i just wanna beat her *** up for putting so much pain in him. but of course i couldn't. a day or two later, he told me something that put me into a total disappointment with him. he got back with the *****. he told me he had dreams of her, being next to him and carrying his baby. that was so sweet. but i dealt with it. i got my heart broken by this guy whom i've also liked for four months. four useless months and that ******* played me. so anyways, being the sweet guy that ben is, he was telling me jokes to make me laugh. like how he had rat soup in the past, or that he ate worms. and when he asked me "if i ate poop, would you still kiss me afterwards?" that totally confused me. i didn't know what to reply to that so i just laughed it off. he also offered to beat the guy up or cuss him out but i told him to just forget it because i was over it now. we got really close, and he soon told me that i was the most important person in the world to him. i instantly started to like him again. i mean, it was hard not to. and even though i knew he has a girlfriend, i didn't stop myself. i didn't stop myself from getting so attached to him like that. i kept on getting moody with him though. and that's something that i wanted to stop. but i couldn't, and what made him even more attractive was the fact that he was the only one who could put up with it. when i walked away, he tried to keep me back. i loved him so much more for that. i don't know why, but he made me so emotional and i cried a lot about him for no reason. he could say one word and whatever it was, it could totally make me cry. anyways, so when his girlfriend disappeared for awhile, he thought that she doesn't love him and did what SHE did with him. which is to cheat on her. so he got together with this hot girl. and he told me about it. when his girlfriend came back, she found out and got mad. and I was the one listening to it and fixing the whole problem, going back and forth between the two of them, giving them lectures and delivering messages. all because i care about him. our goodbyes were always "love ya, cathy wathy. bye." and mine was always "love you too, benny wenny. bye." i appreciated him, even though i never showed it. and i depended on him for my happiness. when i call him weird, he'd always say the same thing, which is "yeah. that's why you love me." and it's true.

he said that he'll always love me because i'm always there. just because of that? gee, that kinda stung. time passes by. i feel like i've gotten less interesting and even MORE moody, and he was just being sweet ol' ben, but so careless though. well four days ago when i got pissed at for always laughing at everything i said. it was like he didn't care, and i'm just a laughingstock. it wasn't the first time he did it either. so i got fed up with it, and i just left. when i came back to cool down, he messaged me up to say that he was ******' pissed and he needed a favor from me. i was messenger lady to him again. i didn't want to but i did it anyway. i grudgingly did it because i care about him, and i know that if i happen to refuse, he'll be feeling crappy whether or not he tells me of it. i expected a 'sorry' from him but nooo. this 'important person'-girl was just too special for him to have her misunderstand their problem, whatever it was. if i meant something to him before, that was no longer the case. i was just moved to the bottom of the line. i believed everything he said about me being so extremely important to him, being his best friend. but those were just empty words. gosh. i don't think i've ever been so disappointed in my life by his actions. he said 'thank you' later on and told me that he loved me. but all i said was 'right.' i was crying my *** off and i didn't really wanna talk to him. turns out, that was our last decent conversation. i haven't talked to him in two days and when he does see me, i don't even get a freakin' 'hi.' i was so sulked over by it, but i'm trying my best to not to cry. yesterday, i held in the tears. and today, i'm going to do the same thing. i'm not a priority, i'm not inferior anymore. i don't matter to him. his words are no longer credible to me. not that we're ever gonna really talk again. i feel so empty without him in my life but it's only been two days. my friends tell me that i can do it. and they've given me a lot of faith. i also tell myself that i've lived without him for fifteen years, i could do without him for another twenty at least. i didn't want me and ben to fall apart like this, because he still means so much to me. i love him. but i can't stand crying and being so devastated when i'm with him, being so insecure and trying to THINK of the right words to say. i wish that i could turn back time so that we could meet each other all over again. i would definitely change a lot of things. i wish that i didn't feel this much regret towards my actions over a guy. i'm such a fool for putting him on top of my list all the time. i want to get rid of everything that reminds me of him, and i told him delete me from his top on myspace but he wouldn't do it, and i didn't know how to feel about that. i kind of blame him for doing this to me. it's like he's dangling me behind with a string that i just wanna cut loose from. i'll always reserve a big place for him in my heart, and he may come back to it whenever he wants. i'm just breaking myself apart because i'm tired of being nothing but a comfort pillow.

iCANfly07 iCANfly07
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 23, 2006

:/// I'm sorry hun *hug* It sounds to me like you need to find yourself a different kind of guy- single and stable! :) Good luck