Bad Daughter, Girlfriend And Mom

I have never been good at anything. I am not talented in any area. Lets start at the beginning. I was born to a mother that was not a good person. She was a drug addict who abused my sibling and myself. I couldn't protect myself as a baby so I almost died. After that I was placed in lots of foster homes where I faded into the background. I was just another little blond girl who no one loved. Finally I was placed with the people who are my parents now. They adopted me, took me into their home just to have me destroy it. As a child I had problems where I would hit my parents and teacher. Sometimes they had to restrain me to keep me from hurting myself and them. As the years when on my behavior got worse and better. I started acting out in secret. I was sexually active with everyone I could find. I did drugs and drank myself stupid. On my 18th birthday I found out I was pregnant. I ran away from my parents and went to live with my boyfriend at the time. He tried to kill me and I ended up in jail for protecting myself. My parents didn't want me at their house pregnant so they put me in a maturity home. About two weeks before my son was born I got kicked out. Luckily my mother helped me find parents for the baby. I couldn't handle a kid. Plus I don't like kids. After he was gone I felt empty I let myself go and started doing the drugs again only worse. My parents helped me get a house so I didn't have to live with them. The guy who was living with me cheated on me with one of my friends so to get even I called up a dating site and found the guy I am with now. We have been together for almost 6 years. In that time I have cheated on him with three guys. One while he was here. He took me back but our relationship has never been the same. He is trying to improve but I still think about cheating on him. I also recently lost my job that I loved because I could not keep my ******* mouth shut. I have done nothing right in my life from my birth to today. I am a complete failure in every way possible. Even worse I hate who I am. I can't look at myself in the mirror knowing what I've done and that no matter what I do in the future I was this person once. This person will haunt me till I die. If by some miracle I don't **** everything up again I will still hate this person I am. I am a bad daughter, a bad Girlfriend, a bad mom, and a all around bad person.
Zoeyredbird Zoeyredbird
26-30, F
2 Responses May 10, 2012

The first step to self-improvement is recognition that you need to be a better person.<br />
<br />
You're not a child anymore. You have more freedom now than you ever did.<br />
<br />
Don't be embarrassed of the reflection in the mirror. Look yourself in the eyes and commit to yourself that you'll be a better person.<br />
<br />
You don't need to prove anything to anyone.<br />
<br />
Other than yourself.

Just because you've made some bad choices in your life doesn't make you a bad person. I too was born to an unfit mother. I've done some insanely stupid things in my life. I too feel like I'm a bad person sometimes but I remind myself there is still hope. As long as I'm alive another day I have the opportunity to change my life, even if its a super small change. Progress is progress! Don't throw yourself a pity party, CHANGE! Stop thinking like a failure because you'll always be a failure when you do. You can't change the past but you can damn sure shape the future. What do you want for you life? Find a way to obtain it. Trust me, I know how you feel and our stories are very similar. The difference between us is I KNOW I'm not a failure. I have poor decision making skills that I need to work on but I'm smart, beautiful, capable, and worthy of love! So are you

I know what you are saying it just seams like every little step I take to better myself I end up taking three back. I know that if I want anything to change I have to do it but I don't know where to start. It all feels so big and unattainable I am just not sure how to go about it.

I totally understand. I feel the same way sometimes too. Right now I'm going through a very difficult time. My boyfriend just passed away, I lost my job last week, my car is most likely going to get reppoed, and I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills. I feel like giving up some days but I remind myself I have a little girl who's counting on me. To take my mind off of things I started working out, I find friends to hang out with, I go visit my sister. Anything positive you can do to keep your mind focused will help. Go for a walk, start applying for new jobs, call a friend, enroll in some courses at your local community college. Don't stay stagnate, that's when the doubt and frustration creeps in. We may not know each other but if you want to chat, don't hesitate to write me. It helps to talk with someone who understands and won't judge you.

I wish I had friends to hang out with but I don't. No one but my pets rely on me so I am going to try spending more time with them. With my upcoming surgery looking for a job is out right now but once I am better I will continue my search.