I Am Only 18

I am so young and when I wake up, I feel so old because I have destroyed a good future for myself. I am a loser. My grades were never good enough for better schooling after high school. I am really not good at anything. I can sing, but I hate hearing my voice so I don't have a career in that I suppose. All my scars indicate how pathetic I really am. People try to "help" me all the time, adults mainly, and I refuse to take them up on their offers because I feel like I am a lost cause. You may not agree with me... But it is how I feel. There has not been a day where I could see myself going somewhere than six feet under. I actually tell people when they ask me what I am doing once school ends: "Well, if suicide doesn't stick than I don't know what I will do." People find it funny because wow that's a weird thing to say I guess. No, I will say it to you, I do not want to die. I really don't it just seems like that is the only thing I will be able to do. I have no doors opened. All my cards have been burned and Once school ends I will possibly feel ten times worse.

I feel the pain in my stomach everyday. I don't cry because I feel like that is a sign of weakness, but lately, that is all I want to do. I want to sit in my bed and just cry because I am a failure. I am not going anywhere and everyone seems to agree with me. My mother is going to force me to be like her soon because she doesn't want me sitting around and she... I dislike her. She never talks to me. I swear, I don't think she even really likes me. She has never cared about what I did as long as the animals were cleaned and I fed my brothers. That's it. I don't have my permit. I don't have a job. I am the bitter essence of what Failure looks like. I feel it. I feel it growing in me as I breathe. I just have to breathe to understand that ugly feeling in me that I AM.

After reading this, I bet you agree with me, right? I really am a loser. Worthless. Hopeless. A lost cause.

You won't say it because it is rude, but I know you feel that way.

I am a loser.
SunkinLies SunkinLies
18-21, T
1 Response May 17, 2012

You're not a lost cause. Get out and experience life a bit. You can't decide on a path for your future until you find your passion. Then you'll love what you do. <br />
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I can understand you feeling anxious as school is ending. All you've ever been is a student now it's over and you have nothing. I'm not a christian but I do know there is a proverb in the bible that says "without a vision, the people perish". You need a vision, something you want to be or do. <br />
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Singing is great. You may not think you have a career as a singer but maybe in the music industry. Maybe you can just use it as a release. I love karaoke, your a little young for bars though. <br />
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I battle depression and suicidal thoughts daily. I tried suicide a few times, but I can't do anything right. Pills didn't work, I vomitted and passed out before I could take enough to get the job done. However, I did sleep for the better part of a week. Then I woke up tied to a bed. I couldn't even use the toilet without 2 people watching me. <br />
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I was on tons of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, but I hate the side affects. So I just save them for a rainy day. I get a hell of a high from taking a months worth of anti-depressants at once. I'm fricken euphoric for a couple days.<br />
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Since I don't like to take my meds, I had to find a way to fight my depression and lust for death. I think I've finally found the key that works for me. I hoping something I say will work for you. <br />
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I take note of the things that make me happy. When I'm depressed I force myself to do those things. <br />
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Work-work/pay sucks but I'm always on top of the world at work. <br />
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Feed the squirrels- I buy 50lb bags of peanuts at the produce market and leave it by the front door. I toss out a handful every time I go out. I love it when I go out and there's a few squirrels sitting on my porch or they come running up to me. <br />
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Go out an sing karaoke- I not the best singer but the more I do it the better I get. It's not about the singing but the people. I've met dozens of friends. I can't go to the bar without seeing 10-20 friends there. <br />
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Find a purpose: get out and find what you want to do. Get your license, get a job, get a car. There's 3 gaols right there. Then you can get out and explore what it is you want to consume your life with. <br />
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Your life won't change itself, you must decide to change it. You're in the drivers seat. Especially at your young age. Even if you find your passion requires you to go to college you have time to do it. You're not tied down with all kinds finacial responsiblities that hinder your ability to what you want. Don't be in a rush to move out of your home. As long as it does'nt hinder ability to live your own life as you want stay at home as long as possible. It's a lot cheaper, you can save money and have it use when you decide what you really want to do.<br />
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I just recently wrote a stroy about self improvement. It's really long but in a nutshell I said I'd forget the past live for the future. I'm going to improve myself so I feel better about myself. <br />
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I'm going to improve my appearance. I'm going to dress better, no more blue jeans and black t-shirts, I'll wear dress shirts and dress pants. I'm going to keep myself groomed, Long hair is gone and I shave daily. I won't let my piece of crap car look like a pice of crap car. I do owe this to my car, it's never broke down on me. I'll keep it clean inside and out. I'll finally replace the front end I lost in an accident 2 years ago. I thought it'd be hundreds of dollars but I can get it for $80 on ebay. <br />
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Be kind to people less fortunate than myself. My life is **** but I can't help feeling fortunate when I talk to a homeless person, or sombody with a physical or mental hadicap. I might not have money to give them but I can always afford a kind word or a few minute to listen to their story. <br />
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My point is make a list of goals. Like I said you can start with get your license, get a job, get a car. You can also try something like do something or go somewhere new everyweek. Meet new people find out their pasison. you might find yours. <br />
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Get out, start living your life and your passion will find you. <br />
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Best wishes,<br />
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Jake