Ambitious Suffering

The only reason why i won't kill myself is because despite having a constant trailer of bad to worse, or worse to hell days, is that I always seem to look forward to see if God's Epic test of the worst day ever is over. And it's not. I believe im suffering because
(A) God doesn't think that I'm suffering
(B) God and I think I'm suffering but God doesn't show favoritism...sooo it doesn't matter
(C) God thinks/knows my "issues" aren't signficant enough (yep just like A)
I also believe im sufferring from cinical depression but who wants to be-- a nut?! then you start thinking about the idea of you out of all ppl being a nut, BAM - you're scared striaght into positivity. And just for kicks God throws in a good day, well look-- here's two. Hell, you could be on roll and then comes that blue thing from the depression commercial popping up like yall scheduled a date. Back to square one. Its not that you were doing good, you didn't notice you're still miserable. Oh, dont blame God, cause then you dont know if that makes your life worse or not. Don't think God by being sarcastic, then you dont know if he's doing the same thing. Don't say he's punishing you cause then you're not sure if he has or hasn't...yet.... It's like that lab rat that goes round to every corner of the tank thinking "maybe this time..." HHEEELLLLOOO... I'm that ******* rat! The bad thing is we already know things take time. The even worse thing is that time could be your whole life....
selfmade615 selfmade615
22-25, F
May 21, 2012