The Thing That Haunts Me Most.

When I was a senior in high school I was pretty self absorbed like any teenager is. I was in the marching band, theater, choir, and I admit it, the debate team. I also had a boyfriend. This boyfriend was a drug addicted, skin and bones, piece of ****. Of course, you couldn't tell 17 year old me that! I was obsessed with him, did everything I could to please him and constantly craved his attention more than anything else. We had almost the exact same schedule so I had no reason really to make friends. Of course I had a few but they were unimportant, just pawns to be played if I ever needed something from one. I had my boyfriend in every class but English. This of course presented a problem to me and so immediately set out to find a companion to be able to converse with in this period. A companion I found. Her name was Lashanda, she was a beautiful black girl who, while sometimes annoying, I found to be of acceptable company. She would often tell me about her love life and I would, naturally, tell her all about my boyfriend. We would discuss just about everything. Then, one day as we were eating some left over food from lunch after a particularly hard class period of testing, she tells me of how she is being abused at home. She tells me that she has to hide from her stepfather, locking herself in the bathroom most times to get away from his sexual abuse. She tellsme of how her mother whips her repeatedly every evening until she has whelps covering her back...she told me all of this. I listened to her, nodded my head here and there, but I didn't really believe her. I thought that she was just attention seeking, you know how high school girls are. Things in her home she said, we're escalating, the teacher overheard and wasby law required to turn it in and call cps (child protective services). The next day in English class, I had no idea of what had happened and was personally excited for a night of clubbing with my boyfriend for his 18th birthday (I had just gotten my fake ID). She came into class a d took her seat next to me, immediately telling me about how cps had come. She told me how they had written all she said off as unchargable without proof, even though she showed them the marks on her back. She told me of how brutally her mother had beaten her after she found out lashanda had told someone about what had happened in the house. She told me her mother had kicked her out, she needed someplace to go...could she live with me? Icalled my mother, my mother said no. I in turn, really wanted to go out with my boyfriend that night and so I told her...I told her maybe she should try and go back home for a few nights until I could figure something out for her. That was on a Friday. I texted her throughout the evening, asked how she was doing... The last text I got from her was 'everything is not ok'. The next Monday, Lashanda was not at school. In fact that entire week she was not at school. Furthermore... I have not heard from lashanda to this day. This is my biggest failure and haunting of my life.
Hypnotixtic Hypnotixtic
18-21, F
5 Responses Sep 11, 2012

Yeah, you could have done more - if you were an adult with substantial resources.
As a kid, confused yourself, immature... well, I understand your guilt but I don't think it is merited.

The failure would be if you did not care. You obviously do care. CPS probably took her that night and moved her and hid her.
If the teacher had not overheard your conversation nothing would have been done at all.

Not a failure at all!!! You cared and tried. You are young, trying to help. You did not cause it and tried your best. Don't feel bad!! :)

A story similar to yours, I was driving in to work one day, foggy as all get out, the fog had froze to the road and driving was really bad. I saw an accident, cops, fire and ambulance was there, they had the fast lane blocked and it looked to be a pretty bad one. Got about a mile down the road and saw the fog light up with lights, it was going way to fast for the conditions that existed and as they went by, I thought, Dip ****, you should have flashed them. That evening on the news I heard two high school boys had died on the way to school that morning, they had hit the back of a fire truck. No one else was hurt, emergency workers had seen the vehicle coming and managed to get out of the road.

this experience is a wake up call.... I feel sick to read this story. While you did not respond, you are not responsible for what did happen. Maybe the real question is, what will you do next? There are alternatives to the official shelters. Where are they in your community or region? There's always hope.

Yeah... :/