I am a complete and utter failure. I'm 21 years old, living with my mom and living off of my parents money. I failed high school twice and only got my GED last year and I have only started my 3rd semester at Uni. My mother is so over protective that she wont even allow me to get a part time job or live alone like other people of my age do. Of course, I'm also to blame for this. I am extremely lazy, I have no motivation to do anything at all. I am too comfortable leeching off of my parents. I'm so pessimistic that I have even stopped studying.
Everyone I went to high school with are already in the job market, either doing their internships or holding part time jobs while entering their final year of their Uni.
The other day I made the mistake of checking some of my past classmates facebook profiles. I just couldn't look at myself in the mirror after that. I cried myself to sleep that night. It felt like I was staring at beings from a different plane of existence. There they were, all successful with future prospects, all smiling and happy with their girlfriends/boyfriends and here I was sitting alone in a dark room creeping on their profiles. And that's not even the worst thing.
The worst thing is that I have absolutely no future. I have no ambition. I have nothing to contribute in the field of work for which I am studying. I am *** deep in loan and by the time I finish my degree I will be completely buried. I have no idea how I will pay back my loans in the future without a job.
And of course, last but not the least, I have never had a relationship, a kissless virgin at 21 who is bound to die alone. I suffer from social anxiety and am completely reluctant to communicate with the opposite sex except when it's for academic reasons.
Oh, and also one more thing. I have no friends. Zero.
Sometimes I want to blame my parents for all of this, especially my mom for raising me in a over protective environment, never allowing me to go out and communicate much with other people. Her reason: " You're my only child, I love you so much."
Thanks mom, for being a over protective, emotionally black mailing manipulative *****.
I still distinctly remember something she said when I was 11 or 12 years old. I had asked to go out with my friends to play after school at a field at the outskirts of the town, a few kilometres away from the house. We got into a argument and I specifically remember these words coming out of her mouth, " Why can't you always stay inside, I loved it when you were younger and you would always stay inside and not talk to anyone cause you were always studying." That hit me like a ton of bricks and I will never forget that moment when she said that to me.
And she hasn't changed a bit. The other day I caught her snooping through my phone. She tried to look innocent when I caught her. Thank goodness I keep my phone locked. Then, the other day I was leaving for uni and on my way I met an old classmate of mine from high school. We smiled, exchanged a few words and just parted ways.
When I came back later that evening, she immediately asked me who that person was. WTF? I was like, " How do you even know when I was talking to someone?". And she was like," That's not important, tell me who that was."
I couldn't take it. I just lost it. I avoided her the entire night and the following day. I seriously thought about running away and never coming back. But of course, my lazy, non-motivated mentality kicked in and I decided not to. A thousand thoughts raced my mind. Where am I going to go? What am I going to do? I have no friends. No job. No connections. Absolutely nothing. So, I just decided to sit back in my room and tried to forget everything and fell asleep. I'm sure if it would have been someone else, they would have left that night in a heartbeat. In fact, they would've never even been in that position.
I seriously don't know what I am going to do. I can't run away, I don't want to stay, I am too much of a coward to kill myself. The only thing that makes me happy is my escapism which is music. I can't even play any instruments. I am just passionate about listening to different kinds of music.
But recently, it seems I am getting bored of my escapism.
Music just doesn't sound the same. I feel like I have nothing left to relate to. As my interest in music becomes tiring and I become more desperate, I feel like I am going to do something unthinkable. I don't know what that is but it isn't going to be good. I would probaby regret it a lot.
I just feel like I am stuck in a cycle of **** with no way of getting out, bound to live a bleak, hopeless life for the rest of my existence.
So, this is my experience of being a 21 y.o. virgin, social retard, jobless and an unmotivated loser. A complete and utter failure. I hope someone can relate to it.
(P.S. English isn't my first language so please excuse my spelling and grammatical mistakes.......or don't. I should be better at english after studying in english medium instituions my whole life so screw it. You can hate me for my bad english)
Misanthroperorschach Misanthroperorschach
22-25, M
Aug 21, 2014