I Am a Complicated Person
I'm sitting in my bedroom and the day is half done already. The air is chilly but it reminds me a little bit of being back in Indy during the fall, so it's a comfortable sort of chill. It's something familiar.
I've sat here many times over the past weeks, just thinking about my life and all of my secrets. I wonder what secrets really do lie within the heart of a woman. Are other women like me? Do they all have hidden wounds that they go quietly away to nurse and tend to while everyone else is asleep? Do they sit in solitude and wonder if they could ever trust anyone enough to let their secrets be verbalized? Do they sometimes catch themselves almost letting one or two slip out during moments of weakness? Or am I just a rare breed who has successfully managed to turn the path to her heart of hearts into a labyrinth that is as dangerous as it is daunting?
I wonder if other women, like me, fight a daily battle within themselves to truly know themselves for who they are and to truly be known by others.
That's been one of the most difficult pills for me to swallow on my journey through life. People will judge you by your "cover" and then call you shady when you won't unlock the stories that you have carefully hidden within for your protection. They mistake privacy for "having something to hide". I still can hear the voice of an ex's dad ringing in my ears as he told me to be careful what I listen to. "Once something has gotten into your head, you can never get it back out again and like it or not, it will have a bearing on the choices you make from that point on." How true that statement was..
One thing I'm learning is that in order to pick your battles successfully, you first need to know which questions will lead to an answer and which questions will only lead to more questions. I wonder "why" certain people have taken it upon themselves to hurt me or try to wreak havoc to my reputation, but even though I may wonder it, I don't feel the need to know the answer. That answer will probably only lead me to more into more questions and more confusion, neither of which I need more of.
So many people live out their lives in an extremely reactionary way. Rather than thinking through, "Why do I feel this way", they just feel it and then charge full steam ahead. They never question their own motives or their own selfish agendas. They don't seem to even care if their feelings are legitimate or not. All they care about, in the longrun, is that they make it to their ends by whatever means necessary. It sickens me to know that I've been guilty of doing this same thing. Who can you trust when you can't even trust yourself?
I know I have a mysterious quality about me. It both draws people in and also keeps them at a safe distance. It makes them question me and the more they question me, the more mysterious I become to them. It's nearly impossible to break the code that is "me", and still they keep digging deeper and deeper only to discover that after 5 minutes or 5 years, they haven't actually learned much of anything about me. I hide my private life in the safest places I know of. No one ever pays attention to what's right in front of their face. It's like losing your glasses and then finding them on your own head.
But more on all of that later..
Now feels like a pretty good time to make a pot of coffee.
I've sat here many times over the past weeks, just thinking about my life and all of my secrets. I wonder what secrets really do lie within the heart of a woman. Are other women like me? Do they all have hidden wounds that they go quietly away to nurse and tend to while everyone else is asleep? Do they sit in solitude and wonder if they could ever trust anyone enough to let their secrets be verbalized? Do they sometimes catch themselves almost letting one or two slip out during moments of weakness? Or am I just a rare breed who has successfully managed to turn the path to her heart of hearts into a labyrinth that is as dangerous as it is daunting?
I wonder if other women, like me, fight a daily battle within themselves to truly know themselves for who they are and to truly be known by others.
That's been one of the most difficult pills for me to swallow on my journey through life. People will judge you by your "cover" and then call you shady when you won't unlock the stories that you have carefully hidden within for your protection. They mistake privacy for "having something to hide". I still can hear the voice of an ex's dad ringing in my ears as he told me to be careful what I listen to. "Once something has gotten into your head, you can never get it back out again and like it or not, it will have a bearing on the choices you make from that point on." How true that statement was..
One thing I'm learning is that in order to pick your battles successfully, you first need to know which questions will lead to an answer and which questions will only lead to more questions. I wonder "why" certain people have taken it upon themselves to hurt me or try to wreak havoc to my reputation, but even though I may wonder it, I don't feel the need to know the answer. That answer will probably only lead me to more into more questions and more confusion, neither of which I need more of.
So many people live out their lives in an extremely reactionary way. Rather than thinking through, "Why do I feel this way", they just feel it and then charge full steam ahead. They never question their own motives or their own selfish agendas. They don't seem to even care if their feelings are legitimate or not. All they care about, in the longrun, is that they make it to their ends by whatever means necessary. It sickens me to know that I've been guilty of doing this same thing. Who can you trust when you can't even trust yourself?
I know I have a mysterious quality about me. It both draws people in and also keeps them at a safe distance. It makes them question me and the more they question me, the more mysterious I become to them. It's nearly impossible to break the code that is "me", and still they keep digging deeper and deeper only to discover that after 5 minutes or 5 years, they haven't actually learned much of anything about me. I hide my private life in the safest places I know of. No one ever pays attention to what's right in front of their face. It's like losing your glasses and then finding them on your own head.
But more on all of that later..
Now feels like a pretty good time to make a pot of coffee.
By:
Intelligently
Age:
31-35
,
Female
