A Rubik's Cube

...is what I remind myself of the most when it comes to "being complicated."
Now, what probably comes to mind is that classic 3x3x3, multicoloured thing that when frustrated, some people just peel the stickers off and "solve" it.
I prefer to think of myself more as the 7x7x7. If you've never seen one of these, it's just as large and unruly as it may seem in your head. The stickers that were once so removable? Imagine a thick layer of permanent paint instead.
Some days, it is easy to solve this ginormous walking puzzle that is myself; sometimes, it can take months.
I am not always in control of who's moving the pieces around, in which order, but certainly my body is the central pivoting piece inside it.
Some days I wake up afraid of where the puzzle has been left off, or where it will be when I attempt to go back to sleep again.
Anyone else feel similar?
spacehyena spacehyena
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 1, 2012

I think I get it. Sort of like the lyrics to that song Bittersweet Symphony by the Verve, " I am a million different people from one day to the next." "I need to hear some sounds that recognizes the pain in me yah." I struggle with changing form day to day and everyone else seems so constant and fixed. People expect you to be simple and constant and fixed. It may be frustrating but I think it makes you more interesting. You should stop fighting it and go with the flow and accept how you are.

I haven't heard the song, but the lyrics definitely resonate with me! It really does seem tough to be in an ever-changing state of being when everyone else seems to be so constant, but appearances are really deceiving. I know I'm not the first one who felt like this, nor will I be the last. I have a tendency to fight that flow, though, I've never dealt well with just letting it go. As I say, "only dead fish 'go with the flow' " haha!

How do other people react to this? How do you interract with other people? I feel less complicated but similar and it makes it hard when it comes to other people.

It varies from day to day. Some days I am very sociable, others, I'm really hostile or indifferent. Some I'll be really depressed for no reason and it slams me like a ton of bricks. Others, I won't leave my house unless I absolutely have to. Every day is different for me, and I know it sounds cliche, but I don't think anyone else will really understand that. And you know, I've had days where some or most or all of the things I've descried to you happen in the same day, or in the span of a few hours. I've got very high anxiety so that really doesn't help in some situations, but I do talk to a therapist once a week, and I do take medication...I agree, it does make it difficult to communicate with other people. A bulk of them are basically unaware of how things really are with me, some might have an inkling I suppose. I have acquaintances and I've had significant others, and etc. but my relationships are always a little bit...strained, I think the word might be, because I tend to shy away from people when something might be wrong with my meds or my mind. I guess I'm selfish too. I probably think too much.