6.46amYesterday someone here described me as having a "rebellious nature". It's given me a great deal to think about since...
I asked a dear friend if this was indeed the case. He said, "of course... You are an independent thinker who attempts to surround herself with people who are equally independent."
This is true, I do.
I have been told many in my life that I'm different. On the whole open minded people tend to appreciate my "oddness". But the things that they praise me for are the aspects of myself that I find most frustrating. I fight internally, a lot. My brain doesn't often play ball. My perspective, at times seems a world away from the norm, & impatience leads me to lose myself in the swing of my moods. It can actually be exhausting just being in my head.
Right! I couldn't agree more.
I've been saying for a while now, if asked what the matter is that I'm just having a "bad week", but the truth is the past couple of months have been... uncomfortable. I've made some pretty big mistakes. I'm not solely to blame by any means. But still, I screwed up. I own it. I was spoiled & uncooperative, & yes, rebellious. Building walls higher, closing myself in further, & telling myself that I didn't need anyone.
I still will hide though, even still. Ask me & I'll tell you - I'm fine.
But no one's perfect, eh?
Inwardly however I've done a whole lot of feeling sorry for myself. Wallowing in regret, & grief. & picking at myself for not being able to open up to people... It can be a lonely way to be, I suppose.
But yesterday something happened...
My mother called the night before last to inform me that my very sick uncle had been rushed, in a coma, to hospital in the early hours of that morning.
She told me to visit. That it might be my last chance.
He had started to come round yesterday morning. The Doctors began to medicate him again. But there was no expectation of any great improvement.
I took a half day from work & went to sit in his hospital room with my Aunt Ella (my mothers sister), his first wife Laura, their youngest son, & my uncles sister & her husband.
I knew none of these people. I got by on my wit.
My aunt talked of how it was the little things that you remember about the ones you love. She told stories of their life together & we laughed at their follies.
It was time to go. Visiting hours were at an end & I was the only one who didn't have a free pass. I said my goodbyes, kissed cheeks, shook hands & went to his bedside took his hand & said a few words of how I cared for him & that I would see him soon.
As I spoke his eyes opened & he looked right at me.
We were there, us two, in that space. Him holding my gaze, & I realised that that was a moment of true worth.
These little snap shots of pure unsullied existence are the building blocks of our lives. I looked into the eyes if a dying man & I saw... life. It felt as though he was smiling at me. Try as I might words cannot do justice to the feeling of peace.
It was something I will never forget.
All the pain & grief melted away.
I am truly sorry for the loses I've experienced of late. I'm sorry for my part in the pain caused. But I won't carry the burden of it anymore. My uncle told me not to. He told me that regret is futile.
He passed away this morning at 6.46am.