Not Sure Complicated Covers Iti just had a meltdown after reading something that gave me mixed emotions. I was happy for this acquaintance. But then after realizing that he admitted he's been ignoring me the last month, and then the sudden realization that he's saying he cannot be friends with me anymore, hurt. Felt like I'd been stabbed in the throat :P Only say it that way because I couldn't talk, couldn't breath, felt choked up. Just lost it. Over what? Someone who doesn't want me in their life? Meh I should be used to it, plenty of people who don't like me. I might be a little bitter right now I don't know.
But it's made me realize how badly I'm fighting my moods and such lately. These last two months especially. I feel like i'm in a constant battle with myself. Fighting what I grew up with, what I was taught to do, ways I was forced to react, my issues from jealously to abandonment. It's all coming to surface. Working on seeing a therapist if I'm being totally honest. It's getting more and more difficult to handle. Granted I have a lot of good days :) But when the mood strikes, it exhausts me.
Just to kind of give people an idea of what's going on here, I'll give some examples, if I can think of them all lol
1.) I literally have been going from sitting around... having fun, joking around. To bursting into tears because of one tiny *** little thing, and then within thirty minutes... I'm bouncing off the walls with energy... wish the energy would stay and the tears would disappear.
2.) Pretty sure this next little bit is normal, since I believe that I am still grieving my mothers death from two years ago.... I think the anger has surfaced along with the sadness and pain associated with it all. But I have been breaking down into tears missing her, and then within a day, I'm like thank god she's gone. I mean... she was an abusive drunk, so I have days where it's like no more worrying, and feeling guilty. I can work on me, without having her criticizing my every move.
3.) My destructive thoughts have been back, one second I'm like hell yes sobriety and within a few hours I want to be high, or drunk, Some days I never have that. but some days it hits me like a ton of bricks. Then my almost "fantasy" of cutting comes about. But I've never actually cut myself, so yeah. Hence calling it a fantasy.
4.) Last night and during the day yesterday... went from amazing mood and one friend they were distancing themselves from me because of a crush, and my mood instantly switched. I held back mood swings and then held back tears, then it all slowly creeped out and bad **** happened needless to say.
5.) I hate how much I always want to sleep as well. I am always wanting to just be in my bed, in the dark, just thinking. Not a bad thing, but not a good thing. But I don't do it that often.
6.) My diet hasn't been as great as it has been the last three months. And that has ****** me up. Granted it's my fault, but holy hell I've been giving myself a lot of **** for it.
I just don't know. I'm more chilled out now. But I just.... I feel so sensitive and silly lately.
Especially today with my mini breakdown of someone making me feel worthless and abandoned. ******* hell.
Greeneyedandcurious 22-25, F 4 Responses 1 Dec 28, 2012