I'm not sure what prompted me to write again after all this time. I suppose it could have been a text I received from a friend, or a book I've spent the better part of my Sunday absorbed with.. but the end result is the same no matter the cause. Tonight, I feel that I have to write.

My life has seemed surreal for so long that I've come to expect the unexpected. Whether full of sadness or happy surprise, I seem to experience things that most people only hear about or perhaps read about. Last night, I had lunch with one of the most famous costume designers in Hollywood. Afterward, we went to his big antebellum home for a tour and as I admired the artwork antique furniture, I couldn't help but wonder how I continue to find myself in these types of situations.

There was a time in my life when I thought I was broken and different in a bad way. As I got older, I realized that I had qualities that set me apart from others in a positive way. I was not like the rest, but perhaps, I still had something special to offer. Perhaps I was special. Now, I find myself questioning both of those possibilities. Maybe there isn't any understanding me at all. Maybe I don't fit so neatly into a "good" or "bad" label, and as simple and fine as all that sounds, I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I wish life was more cut and dry. Instead it's full of extremes and contradictions that even I can't keep up with. One minute I've hit a deer and destroyed the only transportation I have and the next, I'm sitting in a French restaurant with a group of people who shouldn't even know I exist. I suppose it makes sense that I'd be complicated having lived the life I've lived but it frustrates me nonetheless and it makes it difficult to truly find a kindred spirit.

I'm usually not lonely though. When I was younger, I was horribly lonely, but now, and for the last few years, I've learned to accept what my life dishes out. Good or bad, it simply is what it is and while this is probably good for me in a lot of ways, it's also left me less hopeful, less expectant, just .. less.

In a nutshell, I don't feel broken anymore. I don't feel special anymore either. I just wonder now, if I'll ever really be able to understand exactly what I actually am. I wonder if my life will speed up enough to gain a healthy momentum and take me away from this rut I'm in, and then I wonder on the other hand if it'll slow down enough for me to truly make peace with it.

I look around at the few people who I can even loosely call my friends and I often find myself wondering what it must be like to have a "normal" life. They don't know it but I live vicariously through their largely mundane lives. Who knows what the future has in store but I pray that it holds something similar for me.

I would love to find some balance..
Intelligently Intelligently
31-35, F
1 Response Jan 13, 2013

I'm sure the future holds great things for you, and much happiness. Have a wonderful day!