Its ******* Over My Life

What else can I say other than if I ever have any real plans to use what little I get for disability, it all goes out the window..actually the to the drive-thru window or to the take-out service. Its been so bad I wrote bounced checks to the local pizza place just for the love of stuffing my face. I thank the kindness and love of my mother for paying the fees to the bank to save my sorry ***. The after effects are still there, this was about 10 or 12 yrs ago, and I still can't get a bank account although my name has been cleared...my reputation precedes me? You would think I learned my lesson about the eating at least, but I always leaned on food in the best and worst of times, anytime I was bored or not. When I moved where I am now almost 4 yrs ago, knowing I was in a decent delivery area where every restaurant was at my reach excited me like any fat person. My first year in my new place was mostly me going to the grocery store weekly, buying and cooking and maybe take out once every 2 weeks. 2012, I go and buy groceries once a month, sometimes not at all and the rest is me ordering take out every night, sometimes twice in a night. Take out is expensive, but I keep telling myself "oh, maybe 10 here or 15 there wont hurt anything..tomorrow I will go buy decent and wholesome stuff from the store"..another day passes and I order again that night. Sometimes I wonder if the take out places I order from regularly are like "oh, its her...doesnt she ever stop? What a f*cking loser!" Sometimes, even my change for laundry or catching the city bus isnt safe. We have two vending machines for soda and snacks, in the laundry room and when I'm hungry or not, I'm down there getting at least 2 bags of chips and maybe a soda, and since the price has went up, my money disappears in a shot. The only thing I'm glad for is that I manage to pay my rent and bills first before I waste away my money, but it doesnt take a way the fact that I make plans for myself in self as in entertainment, savings or decorating my apartment and next thing you know, I'm crying broke because all my money went to eating. Its getting worse because I'm broke before the month ends and then I just starve myself out of "punishment" or go and cut myself because I'm mad at me being so compulsive and losing my money to food. Its probably reaching addiction status if I have to lie to my friend or family for money or food so I can cover ordering out some more. It was probably a sign a few days ago when I was going to corner store in the middle of the night to buy junk food and it felt like I was having a heart attack, so I went back home before I blacked out in the street. Obviously it was wasnt a heart attack, probably overheating and a potential heatstroke from being so heavy. Yet, since then I went ahead and frittered away more money to my habit..sometimes I just feel I can't stop and want to eat myself to death. I feel so hopeless..my mom is always sick, my family is dysfunctional, my friends are friendly but detached, they never want to talk to me unless they need something or want me to listen to their BS, I'm too withdrawn and unmotivated, I have depression and BPD that seems to make people run away from me and I'm overweight which I take responsibility for at least. So because all of that, why not food?
Lov3intheasylum Lov3intheasylum
31-35, F
Jan 11, 2013